It's been awhile…I mean, a LONG while. So, here's what has happened since my last blog. I had ANOTHER kid (yes I'm serious. However, we finally figured out how it happens so this is the last one) and we moved to a new city. Oh, and I quit my "sort of real job" to be a stay at home mom. Other than every single aspect of my life changing, things are pretty status quo for me.
Moving is SCARY!! It's hard to think about leaving your entire support system and having to start all over. Ok, I admit, I didn't lose my ENTIRE support system. Our nanny moved with us which pretty much confirms that she's either overpaid or has the hots for my husband. I knew I never should have waived my nanny "200 rule" (age plus weight must be at least 200). Anyway, we'll see how that plays out over the next five years. Wish me luck.
We moved to Cincinnati. For those of you who might not know, it's in OHIO. I'll blog more about that later.
Now that I'm stay at home mom, I have a question…..Why are moms so freeking competitive? They say "my kid is so gifted" "My kid is such a great eater" "She can speak two languages already" (one of which is always FRENCH as if you can do anything with French other than order a freeking baguette at au bon pain) blah blah blah. I'm looking for those moms who want to win the "my kid is a bigger bitch than your kid" or "my kids going to be on a higher dose of ritalyn by age 4 than your kid" contest. I mean, I can't be the only one who has a two year old who has bitch slapped both a 2 month old and a 90 year old. No ageists in this house.
I started to think maybe I was revealing too much too soon, you know, the same pitfall when you're doing "real" dating. So I started thinking about the sort of stories I should probably save for the second or third "mom date" …let me know what you think..
1) The one about how my 2 year old bites or hits her brother EVERY SINGLE DAY. When she gets in trouble she just laughs and says "He tough". I started taking away her blanket when she is rough with the baby. She loves that thing more than the feeling of newborn flesh between her teeth so I thought for sure that was going to work like a charm! And for the first couple times, it did. But then, boy, that shit backfired. The other day she said "mama. blankee" and handed it to me. Then she walked over and cold clocked her brother.
2) My four year old is a freeking parrot. You'll think she's totally engrossed in Dora because she doesn't respond to a single question you ask her so you go ahead and give your sister a blow by blow of everything going on in your life without worrying about S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G any of the naughty words. Then you drop her off at pre school the next day and when the teacher says "Hi Charli! How was your morning?" She responds instantly with "oh, Sam was a total f'ing shit show again". Thank god I can think on my feet so I did the only thing you CAN do in that situation. I looked at the teacher and said "Are you saying those kinds of things in class? That's horrible! Clean up your language potty mouth!" To be honest, I was just thrilled that she said "f'ing" instead of the full word. Thank god I try to be efficient on the phone.
The really nice thing about "mom" friends is that its sort of like having your own personal network of pediatricians. I mean for some stay at home moms, they hit the jackpot and had an MD degree fly out of their vag right after the placenta of their first mensa member. I mean, these moms are freaks of nature. They have that "developmental milestone" chart memorized and it's their mom-ic duty to tell you when your kid is lagging behind. And they have an all out hay day when your kid bites their kid. It's like the parental advice jackpot. They have all the solutions on how to get it to stop. And they always say "bite them back" which, coincidentally, I have tried and that result was worse than project blankee. I bit her back once, and, of course, she laughed and started biting even MORE. Then she bit her brother when daddy was around one time. And daddy said "We don't bite in this house!" and of course the little shit strings together her first two word sentence (3 months after her "milestone date" for two word sentences) and says "mommy bites". He turns to me and the look on my face said it all. Thank god his only response was "Jesus christ meg". I'm thinking, great, now Charli's going to take the name of the lord in vain when I drop her off tomorrow….
