Here's what I've learned about traveling with kids. It totally f'ing blows. The floor of the swagger wagon is completely covered in "snack debris" with the occasional spilled sippy cup. Nothing is more awesome than a partially soaked graham cracker on the bottom of your foot. Last time, I actually made a handwritten sign that I held up to passing cars that said "Will Trade Kids for Wine". I got a couple of laughs but no takers on the trade.
The kids language is horrific after two hours in the car. Sam wanted her sippy cup back after hurling it in a fit of travel rage at Johns head. I couldn't find where the damn thing landed so I said "sorry, sam, I can't find it." She gave an exasperated sigh and said, "Oh fuck it. I don't need it". This actually felt like an ENORMOUS win for me so I just said "Thanks for being flexible sam!" Bra. vo!
And then you have to deal with "potty" issues. Sidebar: I have to say that I'd take kid potty issues over adult male potty issues every day of the week. Why do men get a spontaneous urge to take a crap? It's like their bodies offer absolutely no warning for when this is going to happen. Not only that, but it STILL takes them 30 minutes to finish the job. It makes NO SENSE. Either you have to go urgently, or you have to take 30 minutes. It just can't work both ways. I had a good friend say "I go in the bathroom and you don't know whether I shit or pissed because it takes the same amount of time. What the hell takes men so long?" Amen Sista. I have no freeking idea.
Anyway, back to kid travel. Fast forward twelve and a half hours to hotel check in. How hard is it to swipe my credit card and give me keys that will actually open the damn door? We have 18 wheeled carts full of shit, the kids are asleep in our arms (which are, coincidentally also asleep because I've been holding one of them for 26 minutes during check in) and we finally get to the door of our room. We pull out the hotel key card, swipe it, and get the red f'ing light. Of course I try it 10 more times thinking there's no way a key they JUST GAVE ME doesn't work! But, despite my optimism, we return to the front desk for another key. I throw such a shit fit that I'm almost positive they've just given me a master key that will open any door in the hotel just to save themselves from being physically accosted if I have to walk back down there.
We put the kids in their beds and THANK YOU JESUS they stay asleep. I head straight for the mini bar to grab a screw top single serve bottle of wine that they hand out for free on airplanes but charge you $15 for in a hotel room and say "we are never going on 'vacation' again….."
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
The Birds and the Bees….
In my last post, I promised to tell you the story about how I found out I was pregnant. I was going to say "here's the story about how I got pregnant" but that story isn't actually that interesting and I was too bombed to remember the details anyway. Whoever said "a good story never starts with a salad" was spot on.
Anyway, our beloved SamSam (the one I affectionately call an f'ing monster) was about 10 months old. She's been a real piece of work since the minute she entered this world. Actually, she was a monster BEFORE that…most notably during the EIGHTEEN hours of labor to physically get her into this world. The doc who gave me the epidural was about 12 and was obviously on a performance improvement plan at Fairview Hospital. If Sam was going to enter the world through my heel, or even my knee, I would have been GOLDEN because those things were numb as hell. Everything north of that, not so much. Major buzz kill.
Anyway, she was about 10 months old and was already hell on Robeez. We were preparing to move to a new city for my hubby's job and he's 100 years old so we decided that our family was complete with the four of us.
I was spending a lot of time at the gym but still didn't feel like I was getting great results. The girls were sleeping fairly well but I could still barely pull myself out of bed every morning. I stopped by the pharmacy on my way home from work to pick up a refill on my birth control pills. The pharmacist comes over and asks if I have any questions. I explain that I am tired and bloated and suggest that I might want to try a new pill with fewer side effects. He looks puzzled and says "When was your last menstrual cycle". I reply "2010 (it was 2013 at the time) but I've basically been pregnant and/or nursing since then." He pauses and says "Is there a chance you could be pregnant?" I do the laugh that makes a noise and say "No way! I've had two kids, I would know if I was pregnant…I mean…I'd be tired….bloated……shit….shit….shit". I grab the pills and race to the "adult" aisle at Target. I buy the EPT 3 pack and bolt home.
John was out of town at the time (shocker!) so I decided I would take the test after I put the girls to bed. The plus sign showed up INSTANTLY. I had the obvious reaction….I barfed. You would have thought I was a 16 year old taking the pregnancy test in my parents basement for god's sake.
I called the next day to make an OB appointment. I show up and the doc basically repeats the questions the pharmacist asked me. They confirm that I'm pregnant and decide to do a "dating ultra sound". I quip "what are you? match.com for fetuses?" He's not amused.
The ultra sound reveals that I'm 11.5 weeks pregnant. He suggests that I stop taking the birth control pills. I reply "No shit, sherlock". He then asks me "Do you drink regularly?" I laugh (out loud) and say "Umm…I instagrammed a picture of a mojito I was drinking at LUNCH yesterday…BY MYSELF." He gave me the understandable judgement face and says "I'd recommend refraining from alcohol going forward". The shock of the past 24 hours had resulted in a semi permanent loss of my "filter" so I quickly respond "Do you think I should maybe wean it (the fetus) off the booze? Or should I definitely do cold turkey?" He didn't actually speak but his "look" gave me the answer. I quickly agreed "yeah, I mean, I agree, cold turkey for sure." He then tells me that John and I should start talking about more permanent measures to prevent pregnancy if we don't want any additional children. Boy, Captain Obvious is a real genius!!
I must say, it all ended perfectly. Pregnancy flies by a lot quicker when you drink through the first trimester and at the end we ended up with the most adorable little boy who turned out just perfect despite my mojito lunches during the first trimester. As my mom reassured me "I drank all the time when I was pregnant with you kids and you guys turned out just fine!" Well…that's debatable….
Anyway, our beloved SamSam (the one I affectionately call an f'ing monster) was about 10 months old. She's been a real piece of work since the minute she entered this world. Actually, she was a monster BEFORE that…most notably during the EIGHTEEN hours of labor to physically get her into this world. The doc who gave me the epidural was about 12 and was obviously on a performance improvement plan at Fairview Hospital. If Sam was going to enter the world through my heel, or even my knee, I would have been GOLDEN because those things were numb as hell. Everything north of that, not so much. Major buzz kill.
Anyway, she was about 10 months old and was already hell on Robeez. We were preparing to move to a new city for my hubby's job and he's 100 years old so we decided that our family was complete with the four of us.
I was spending a lot of time at the gym but still didn't feel like I was getting great results. The girls were sleeping fairly well but I could still barely pull myself out of bed every morning. I stopped by the pharmacy on my way home from work to pick up a refill on my birth control pills. The pharmacist comes over and asks if I have any questions. I explain that I am tired and bloated and suggest that I might want to try a new pill with fewer side effects. He looks puzzled and says "When was your last menstrual cycle". I reply "2010 (it was 2013 at the time) but I've basically been pregnant and/or nursing since then." He pauses and says "Is there a chance you could be pregnant?" I do the laugh that makes a noise and say "No way! I've had two kids, I would know if I was pregnant…I mean…I'd be tired….bloated……shit….shit….shit". I grab the pills and race to the "adult" aisle at Target. I buy the EPT 3 pack and bolt home.
John was out of town at the time (shocker!) so I decided I would take the test after I put the girls to bed. The plus sign showed up INSTANTLY. I had the obvious reaction….I barfed. You would have thought I was a 16 year old taking the pregnancy test in my parents basement for god's sake.
I called the next day to make an OB appointment. I show up and the doc basically repeats the questions the pharmacist asked me. They confirm that I'm pregnant and decide to do a "dating ultra sound". I quip "what are you? match.com for fetuses?" He's not amused.
The ultra sound reveals that I'm 11.5 weeks pregnant. He suggests that I stop taking the birth control pills. I reply "No shit, sherlock". He then asks me "Do you drink regularly?" I laugh (out loud) and say "Umm…I instagrammed a picture of a mojito I was drinking at LUNCH yesterday…BY MYSELF." He gave me the understandable judgement face and says "I'd recommend refraining from alcohol going forward". The shock of the past 24 hours had resulted in a semi permanent loss of my "filter" so I quickly respond "Do you think I should maybe wean it (the fetus) off the booze? Or should I definitely do cold turkey?" He didn't actually speak but his "look" gave me the answer. I quickly agreed "yeah, I mean, I agree, cold turkey for sure." He then tells me that John and I should start talking about more permanent measures to prevent pregnancy if we don't want any additional children. Boy, Captain Obvious is a real genius!!
I must say, it all ended perfectly. Pregnancy flies by a lot quicker when you drink through the first trimester and at the end we ended up with the most adorable little boy who turned out just perfect despite my mojito lunches during the first trimester. As my mom reassured me "I drank all the time when I was pregnant with you kids and you guys turned out just fine!" Well…that's debatable….
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