Here's what I've learned about traveling with kids. It totally f'ing blows. The floor of the swagger wagon is completely covered in "snack debris" with the occasional spilled sippy cup. Nothing is more awesome than a partially soaked graham cracker on the bottom of your foot. Last time, I actually made a handwritten sign that I held up to passing cars that said "Will Trade Kids for Wine". I got a couple of laughs but no takers on the trade.
The kids language is horrific after two hours in the car. Sam wanted her sippy cup back after hurling it in a fit of travel rage at Johns head. I couldn't find where the damn thing landed so I said "sorry, sam, I can't find it." She gave an exasperated sigh and said, "Oh fuck it. I don't need it". This actually felt like an ENORMOUS win for me so I just said "Thanks for being flexible sam!" Bra. vo!
And then you have to deal with "potty" issues. Sidebar: I have to say that I'd take kid potty issues over adult male potty issues every day of the week. Why do men get a spontaneous urge to take a crap? It's like their bodies offer absolutely no warning for when this is going to happen. Not only that, but it STILL takes them 30 minutes to finish the job. It makes NO SENSE. Either you have to go urgently, or you have to take 30 minutes. It just can't work both ways. I had a good friend say "I go in the bathroom and you don't know whether I shit or pissed because it takes the same amount of time. What the hell takes men so long?" Amen Sista. I have no freeking idea.
Anyway, back to kid travel. Fast forward twelve and a half hours to hotel check in. How hard is it to swipe my credit card and give me keys that will actually open the damn door? We have 18 wheeled carts full of shit, the kids are asleep in our arms (which are, coincidentally also asleep because I've been holding one of them for 26 minutes during check in) and we finally get to the door of our room. We pull out the hotel key card, swipe it, and get the red f'ing light. Of course I try it 10 more times thinking there's no way a key they JUST GAVE ME doesn't work! But, despite my optimism, we return to the front desk for another key. I throw such a shit fit that I'm almost positive they've just given me a master key that will open any door in the hotel just to save themselves from being physically accosted if I have to walk back down there.
We put the kids in their beds and THANK YOU JESUS they stay asleep. I head straight for the mini bar to grab a screw top single serve bottle of wine that they hand out for free on airplanes but charge you $15 for in a hotel room and say "we are never going on 'vacation' again….."
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