A few Easy Steps to Make Your Holiday Merry…

The thing about the holidays is this….we ruin them by trying to do too much.  I don't even have a JOB and I have a TWO PAGE to do list.  My short term memory seems to reset every 30 seconds (what did I need at Target again?) because it's completely overloaded with tasks.

Here are some tips on how to survive the sprint to the finish that is Christmas week.

1.  Avoid shopping malls/strip malls at all possible costs.    I'm not sure what it is about a shopping center that makes people completely forget how to drive.  The only benefit of braving the crowds is witnessing a VW bug crashing into a stop sign and being lifted up like Christ himself.  I was out of memory on my phone so I couldn't video tape the woman literally jumping down from her car.  Hang up the phone and DRIVE PEOPLE!!

2.  Play dates, play dates and more play dates.  Why the hell do schools need to take two full weeks off for the holidays?  I mean, what are we teaching our kids?  95% of our kids will become something OTHER THAN teachers and these long holidays are just setting them up for disappointment once they enter the workforce.  At any rate, all the other moms are miserable as well.  Grab your phone, send out a group text, and plan a last minute play date.  Wine required, post play date clean up is optional….

3.  VALUE YOUR TIME!  Shop online, pay the shipping fees and splurge the $5 to have that shit wrapped for you too.  Do not even THINK about going to the post office.  Wanda has been working the post office for 25 years, she's never been in a hurry and it's not going to start this year.  Just bypass that whole scene and save yourself a lot of time and blood pressure medication.


4.  Take time to slow down and pamper yourself.  However, make sure to allow extra time to fill out all the paperwork required when you're a new client.  I like to alternate "occupations" between trophy wife and spa blogger.

5.  Do something impromptu and fun with your kiddos!   Actually, scratch that.  Don't even think about doing that.  I tried that on Monday.  It started with me packing the van with three kids, three helmets, three scooters and a double stroller.  The "scooter" ride bliss lasted about 12 feet.  Just long enough for the kid with a super sonic sense of smell to step in dog crap.  "I smell sumpin!!  What's on my shoe?  Is it poop mommy?"  "Oh no, honey, it's just smelly mud!"  Thank you jesus, she actually fell for it.

After another 12 feet and they were tired and hungry.  Did I say we went for a scooter ride on the bike path?  I meant "I pushed a hundred pound kid/scooter combo for a mile and they complained about being tired and hungry". Being a mom is hard work!

6.  BE HAPPY and BE NICE!!

People are freeking CRABBY during the "most wonderful time of the year".   I met my hottie husband for an early breakfast yesterday and the woman at the table next to us completely LOST HER SHIT on the waiter because she didn't like her bacon.  She actually said (and I quote) "the bacon was NOT crispy enough and if I would have known it was going to be half fat, I would have ordered something different".  Wait…what?  Being an Iowa farm girl (#gohawks! #rosebowl!), I appreciate that I probably have a bit more hog knowledge than the average bear but even city folk know that bacon is (at least) half fat.  The server handled it beautifully.  He apologized, took it off her bill and said "Have a Happy Holiday!"  He came to our table and I said (loud enough so she could hear) "that's why I only lasted two days as a server.  I would have totally lost my shit on that lady!"


When you break it down, it really isn't that hard to enjoy this time (and every time) of year.    Appreciate what you have, help others when you can, order bacon, and laugh when life hands you some smelly dog crap on your scooter ride.  Because just like the holiday season seems to go by in the blink of an eye, so does this crazy thing called life.  If you don't enjoy it, you just might miss it!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!  TRY NOT TO LOSE YOUR SHIT!

XO Meg (Tipsy Mommy)

Merry F'ing Christmas….

It's the most wonderful  (horrible) time of the year….

I thought about writing one of those cheesy holiday letters this year.  You know, the kind that are always two pages, single spaced, size 12 Comic Sans font.  They talk about the parent, child, and the occasional "family" accomplishments (meet our new puppy, Fito!!)

Here are six easy steps for creating the perfect Christmas letter!

1.  Include flattering pictures of your gorgeous family

I think we can all agree that making sure everyone is facing the camera can only be trumped by the epic picture that includes your 3 year old getting tea bagged by your 18 month old.

2.  Give credit to your supportive, adorable spouse (who doesn't even realize you sent Christmas cards).

Here's a picture of John bringing his A game on a flight back to MN with our 3 kids under age 5.  I look at it and think….that guy really deserves more blow jobs.

3.  Discuss careers.

Meg quit her job and decided to stay at home with the kids.  I think everyone is enjoying the change…..

4.  Talk about each of the kids and their milestones for the year.

At the ripe age of 5, Charli is showing signs of her career aspirations…….

Sammi is learning the critical skills of getting dressed by herself.  She is also showing interest in politics and asked to go as Donald Trump for Halloween (not pictured) #thehair.

Noah is almost 2.  As the 3rd kid, he spends a majority of his time unsupervised  and getting the shit kicked out of him by Sammi. #hugturnedheadlock

5.  Talk about family adventures or trips.

John and I spent a few days in Napa again this year with our dear friends Mike and Cindy.  I always worry that the UPS guy thinks I have a drinking problem because wine gets delivered by the shit ton.  I passed him at the corner one time and he yells "Hey, Meg, I have your booze!  Are you gonna be home in an hour so I can swing back around?".  I think we can all agree that I'm straight up VIP status when the UPS guy is flagging me down at the corner.

#winepeopleproblems #weregonnaneedabiggergarage

6.  Give a general sign off and talk about being "blessed".

We look forward to seeing all of you in the new year and pray for good health, good friends and a shit ton of good wine for all of you.  God bless you in the new year.

 6.  Crack a box of wine, crank the christmas music, address, and send! Oh, and remember, the holidays should be about all the laughter, all the family and all the fun (and YES it really should be fun!)

Happy holidays from our Shit Show to yours….