The 7 Kinds of Stay At Home Moms

I've done extensive research and I've decided there are 7 types of stay at home moms.  Here's a summary.

1)  The Baby Talk Mom (BTM)
*Literally three inches from infants face*  "Hi boo boo! Ooooh!  What does mommy smell?  Did you make a stinky?  YES YOU DID! You made a stinky!!  Silly boy!   Mommy still loves you boo boo!  Yes, I do!   I love you boo boo!"  *grabs monogrammed changing pad from Pottery Barn diaper bag*

Dear BTM- You sound like a fucking lunatic and I give you 13 more days until you start talking baby talk in the sack with your husband. Love, Tipsy Mommy


2) The Zen Mom
I literally heard a mom trying to discipline her 4 year old with deep breathing.

"Honey, please listen to your body.  Take a deep breath.  Now blow out all those bad choices!  That's right…blow them out!  Bye bye bad choices!!  Good job sweetie!!"

Guaranteed that kid will be in timeout on an organic bean bag within 7 minutes.   Blow me, Zen mom.

3) The make up face, size 2, "real" clothes wearing mom
Obviously you didn't get the memo that yoga attire is our WORK UNIFORM.  You wanna wear real clothes?  Then get a real job, in a an office, and flaunt your tight ass there.

4) The shellac mani mom

Go fuck yourself.  How do you have time to do that shit every week?

5)  The Babysitter Poacher
Punishable by death in the stay at home mom world.  I would literally rather have you steal my husband than my babysitter, for reals.

6) The Anti-Hellicopter Mom (aka AHM or Oblivious Mom)
I agree, "helicopter" parenting is probably a bad choice, however, anti-hellicopter moms are flirting with oblivious parenting.  I once saw an AHM's kid push their stroller into the deep end of the pool while she was practicing detachment parenting at the pool bar with a martini.  Good luck making it to 18, kid.

7)  Drinking Mom
Now this is the kind of mom I can get behind.  They have the unwritten "I won't judge if you don't judge" rule and that rule is AWESOME.

Not every mom you meet will be your type, but variety is the spice of life.  I just look for the drinking moms and everything else seems to fall into place.  Just sayin'….

Cheers!

Tipsy Mommy

7 Things That Made My Kids Cry This Week

The thing about kids is that they're unpredictable.  Out of the blue they will say something that makes your heart swell with complete and unconditional love for them and you realize how lucky and blessed you are to be in this life.  And then there are those times that you have to repeat yourself 30 f'ing times before they even acknowledge that you're talking.  And then it takes another 10 times to get them to actually DO what you're asking.  At least twice I day I beg my kids to stop making me sound like a nag.  But, I have to admit, being ignored is a MILLION times better than the WHINING and CRYING.  Here's a recap of shit that made my kids cry this week.


1.  Spilled milk.

Literally, milk spilled and hysteria ensued.

2.  It wasn't swimsuit day at school

Ok, I admit, there's more to this story.  I got an email at 10 pm at night from my kids teacher saying it was swimsuit day at school.  After mentally thinking the teachers really needed to get organized and give parents a little more notice on these things, I laid out swimsuits so I wouldn't forget to put them on in the morning.  

School starts at 8:30 am.  When I woke up at 8:20 I was pretty certain we were going to be late.  We rolled in at 9 am with swimsuits and towels.  Everyone else was wearing normal clothes.  I said "Isn't it swimsuit day today?"  The entire class responded in unison "It's TOMORROW".  Attention to detail really isn't my strong (swim)suit.  

3.  I washed my kids favorite blanket.

I tried to explain the process to her like an adult.  "Look kid, that thing could literally stand up on it's own because it's so disgusting.  This bitch is getting cleaned, even if it means that you are going to sit in the laundry room and cry for the entire 'speed wash' cycle."  Be careful what you wish for.  Longest. 32. Minutes. Of. My. Life.

4.  I said we could't go to Disneyworld after lunch.

What planet do these punks live on?!?!?!

5. I put junk mail in the recycling.

Apparently I didn't hear her when she said she wanted to put it in the recycling bin.  And for some reason, me pulling it out, putting it in her hand and telling her she could do it actually made her cry more.  Worst. Mom. Ever.

6. Sammi's back was hot in her car seat.

Seriously, it's gonna be a long summer.  Sammi is like a freeking polar bear.  It could NEVER be cold enough for her so summer is literally her worst nightmare.  However, in her defense, how has the air conditioned car seat not been invented yet? Get your shit together, Graco!!

7.  I didn't take a picture of her poop before I flushed it.

Wait, what??  I don't even know how that would ever be a "thing" but believe me, I will DEFINITELY take a picture next time and that shit will be on the slide show at your wedding reception.  You're.  Welcome.  

I might not always be able to predict what is going to set my kids off but I know that someday I'll laugh at every single thing they did that made so mad in that moment.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep my wine glass full and try to remember that one day I'm gonna look back on all of this and miss it.

Cheers!!

Tipsy Mommy