She's Just Not That Into You...

People say dating is hard but "mom dating" is worse.  The process has lots of similarities to real dating.  You have all of the same awkwardness on your first mom date and you often cycle through lots of options before you land on someone who has potential to stick.  As with real dating, eventually the stars align and mom sparks fly.  Your kids love each other and your spouses get along too.  She's your daytime play date pal, your sounding board when you bitch about your husband, and the person you text when something super embarrassing (but hilarious) happens.

But the one day things start to change.  It's never one specific event that changes.  It's a series of events that occur and you might not even notice the distance in your "person".

Eventually it becomes painfully obvious that you are in a code red mom breakup.  You tell yourself that it can't be true and that you're being ridiculous.  You try to justify her lack of interest in you, but you can't.  And it sucks.

Here are the top ways to tell that she's just not that into you.

1.  Leave a message at the tone...

Her iPhone is her lifeline and she treats it as such.  It's her connection to babysitters, girls night invites, school information and, of course, Facebook.   If she isn't answering your phone call, it's not because she's not on it, it's cuz she's over you.

2.  The Two Day Texting Rule

She used to instantly respond to your text messages.  Now you wait hours or even days for her response.  It's a sure sign that she's asking you, begging you, to please delete her number and move on.   She may spend a few weeks in the "moms with benefits" category.  She'll send you a last minute text to get together when her new friends aren't available.  If she's a real bitch, she'll keep you at arms length for a couple months.  She'll send you the vague "check in" text when you've managed, with all your might, to avoid her texting her for a week.  You tell yourself you're going to wait a day to respond but 4 hours is the most you can muster.  Once she realizes you're hooked again, she'll go right back to her 2 day rule.

3.  Vague declinations

You invite her to do something and she responds with the "I would love to but I already have plans!"  Or "I can't make it but that sounds like fun!"  That response means she already has plans and she's definitely not giving you an invite.  You tell yourself that she probably didn't coordinate things and that's why you're not included.  This works for about 2 months until she has a dinner party at her house that you hear about from your neighbor who can't keep a secret to save her life because she's consumed her weekly dose of Xanex in one morning.

4.  Out of the mouth of babes

In my case, it was obvious for awhile but I didn't want to believe it.  And then her kid, who is as big of a bitch as she is, tells my kid "My mommy doesn't like your mommy anymore".  Well, there ya have it.  You can't really explain away that one.

At the end of day, we should never settle in life.  Not for work, marriage or the almighty "momship".  When your mom crush starts pulling away, let her go and find someone who deserves you and your bad self.  Just know that we've all been there and if the universe works the way it's supposed to, we will find our tribe when we aren't even looking for them!!

Online Dating Ghostwriter....

You might not realize this, however, Tipsy Mommy got recruited to be an online dating ghost writer.  Here was my response to them:

First of all, let me congratulate you on developing a BRILLIANT business plan.  This concept is nothing short of genius.  However, it makes me appreciate the fact that I'm happily married and (hopefully) won't be venturing into the online dating scene for myself anytime soon.  

Here are all the reasons I agree this is the perfect job for me.

First of all, I'm hysterical.  If you don't believe me, you should probably read my blog.  It's called Tipsy Mommy.  Wait, you already knew that.  Sorry, I'm not good at details. 

Secondly, I understand the difference between there, their and they're.  This is a RARITY these days. 

Third(ly?), I'm a girl.  I sort of understand what girls want to hear.  I'm probably breaking 900 levels of girl code by agreeing to write profiles and messages for dudes they're likely going to sleep with, however, I feel like I can come to terms with that guilt with a couple extra glasses of vino each night. 

Fourth(ly?)  Seriously, the "ly" thing is tricky...do you have training on that?  I'm fast.  I write almost every single day and the words fly out quickly.  

5) (numbers are WAY easier...I have no shame taking the path of least resistance.  #efficient) I like to have some inspiration to speed up the writing process so I think the fact that this content will be directed to a specific goal/subject/etc will be a perfect fit for me. 

6) Generally speaking, my humor can be crude, however, I have a few clean jokes in my arsenal as well.  My husband is "kind of a big deal" in the business community so I often have to act like a normal person at his work events.  I should be a pretty versatile "girl pretending to be a guy" for you. 

It will be an interesting challenge to write as a "guy".....I'll have to give that one some thought.  Do all the bio's cover the size of my package and the number of girls I've slept with?  I feel like these would be pre-qualifiers in the dating scene.  Please let me know. 

I'm flattered for the opportunity.  I'll have my people (me) get back to you by the end of next week.

Thanks,
Tipsy Mommy

Back to School Blues...

I talk a big game about hating my kids and pawning them off on a babysitter 90% of their lives, however, that's not really true (at least not anymore).   Sleeping (or, in our case, NOT sleeping), eating, and pooping dictated our life for SIX YEARS!  In May, I started mentally dreading summer because it's always a shit show.

But our summer was amazing.  The baby is 3 but we still call him "the baby" and he's just independent as his older sisters.  My middle child has found her groove in the family by being the helper who was in charge of packing the essentials for our summer adventures every day.  My oldest can finally swim and sleeps like a teenager.   We played and we napped and we traveled and we SLEPT IN.  We savored the fact that we didn't have to pack lunches and backpacks.  We didn't have to brush our hair or even get out of our pajamas if we didn't want to.  Life is so damn good.

And, just like that, summer is over.  The kids went back to school this week and I know I should be jumping for joy.  I wished away so much time over the past six years waiting for this very day.   When it finally arrived, I didn't feel like jumping for joy.   All I wanted to do was rewind.  I wanted to start summer over.  I wanted to re do all the laughs, the cuddles, and the lazy warm summer days with these three little munchkins.

I put on a brave happy face for my 1st grader when I dropped her off in the wrong car line and she had to bob and weave in between moving cars to reach the curb of her new building at school.  But not so deep down, I was sad.  I was a little sad that I hadn't read the 4 page booklet with car line instructions but I was mostly sad because I wasn't sure that little girl realized how much it meant to me to share the summer with her.  I watched her run to the curb, turn around to give me a "thumbs up" and then race into new building, her new classroom and her exciting new year.  She was so excited and happy to start a new chapter in her life because she enjoyed and cherished every minute of the wonderful summer we shared.  She doesn't have regrets because she's always living in that very moment.  And it made me realize that we truly have so much to learn from our kids. May we all learn to embrace new experiences, live in the moment, and be fearless about what life might throw at us.

Cheers to a wonderful school year!!

Sweet Sam Sam...

If you've met me, you know I often joke about time standing still when you have little ones.  People with older kids always tell me "enjoy it, it goes by so fast".  I quickly respond "you're full of shit, this has been the longest seven years of my LIFE. I haven't had a full nights sleep since 2010!!"

But, this summer has made me start believing them....

Three kids in three and a half years felt like a lot.  It felt like someone always needed me.  Someone was always yelling "MMMMOOOOMMMMMYYYYY!"  Someone was always hungry, tired or crying.  The record for silence in my household was about 90 seconds back in 2014.  

But this summer has been different.  My kids have been HAPPY.  They get along.  They SLEEP (at least some of the nights).  They can all talk and none of them shit in their pants anymore.  They can actually get their own snacks and fill up their own sippy cup.  THANK YOU JESUS!

My middle child turns 5 this week and it's got me all bent out of shape.  Maybe it's because she's my twin in every aspect of life which, by default, makes her my biggest challenge.  There is something so sobering about seeing ourselves through the actions and emotions of our children.  It's a reminder about how important this role is that we play as parents.  How we need to be so careful and intentional and thoughtful if we want them to carry forward our wonderful attributes and leave the negative ones behind.  

My sweet little Sam Sam.  You are the ultimate straight shooter.  You wear your emotions on your sleeve.  Your anger may be big, but your love and happiness are bigger.  Your loyalty is fierce and you will do anything to stand up for people you love.  You're so smart yet so hesitant to reveal it.  You will never answer a question without being certain that it's the right answer.  You are so studious.  As if you think all the answers in life can be learned in a book.  You are so much like me.  From your mischievous ways to your freckle sprinkled nose.  Sometimes I think I catch a glimpse of insecurities in your eyes.  Whether it's meeting new friends or being a new situation.  I reassure you that you're a big girl and that you can handle anything you put your mind to. And the mere suggestion of that power is enough to make you believe it.  I pray that you never lose that belief in yourself.  I pray that you never forget that your incredible smile and your thoughtfulness has the power to change the world.  I pray that you will always recognize the incredible gifts you've been given and use them to make the world a better place.  Don't let anyone stifle your light, Sweet Sam Sam.  

The Power of My Pen...

By almost all accounts, most people would say I'm not a REAL writer.  My grammar is awful and my posts rarely go through spell check.  My consistency is even worse.  But, the reality is, my pen has power.  It has the power to make people laugh.  To make people cry.  And, perhaps most importantly, it has the power to make people think.  To ponder.  To wonder if, by some crazy chance, I might have something to offer this crazy world.

When inspiration comes to me, I physically can't resist the urge to write.  It's therapeutic and nerve wrecking (or is it racking?) all at once.  

People ask me why I haven't been blogging lately.  And, to be honest, I write almost every single day, I just don't post anything.

I've been so weighted down with the fear that people are judging me or don't like me.  I mean, we all know they are, but the weight of worrying about it is new for me.  Somewhere between Minnesota and Ohio, I started worrying about what other people think about me.  Maybe it's because I don't have a job anymore or maybe it's because I still feel like a new girl.  I started planning my whole life around doing things that people thought I should be doing.  I shouldn't be on Facebook making inappropriate comments because not everyone thinks they're funny.  I shouldn't blog because I'm not a real writer.  Blah blah blah.

Anyway, I had three people ask me about my blog this week.  And it made me realize that not everyone wants to hear from me, but some people do.   So I decided it's high time to start sharing my thoughts with the world again.  To those of you who just rolled your eyes, thanks for making me relevant.  To those of you who keep waiting for a post, you'll get a few of them today!

Cheers to the weekend!!!

Tipsy Mommy

MY HOMETOWN

The rural communities across the country have been in the spotlight the last few months. They have been criticized for their way of life and their "unworldly" views.  

I spent 24 hours back in my hometown in rural Iowa last week.  It was an unexpected, last minute trip.  *Unrelated side note: it reminded me that, often times, the best nights are the ones you don't plan in advance.  It also made me realize that you’ll never regret making an effort for someone you love.  If you know what makes somebody happy, you should do it. 

I flew in for a 24 hour visit to celebrate the end of my dad’s political career.  My family has mastered the art of the “surprise” and this was no exception.  I booked a ticket at midnight and was on a plane at 11 am the next morning.  I was able to arrive, undetected, at the Manly, Iowa Legion with my sister and brother to surprise my dad.  We walked in the back door and he was seated at a table right in front of us.  His mouth dropped the floor, tears filled his eyes and he yelled “Marilyn!! Did you know they were coming??!!”  Hugs, more tears and lots and lots of cheap beer continued the rest of the night.  

Time almost seems to stand still in these small, rural communities.  The neighborhood bar was full of all the same faces that I saw every day during my childhood.  It’s the literal and figurative village that raised me.  They raised all of us.  My last minute, unexpected visit included a round robin of people telling the same stories I’ve heard a million times that still end with people laughing until they cry.  

It’s high fives with calloused and dirty hands that know the true meaning of a hard days work.  It’s recalling fist fights in hay mounts and three wheelers getting stuck in a creek.  It’s stories of kids learning to drive in corn fields whenever they're old enough to reach the pedals.  

It’s where people TRULY help their neighbor, most of the time without being asked. It’s knowing who lives in every single house on the 12 mile stretch of road to my old high school.  It’s where coordinates are farm names, not street names.  It’s a bunch of kids who had to do chores, help with housework, and kick ass at sports and school.  It’s where families have an unofficial pew every Sunday morning at church.  It’s where the gas station is also the pizza place. It’s where you learn to respect your elders and no matter how long ago you graduated from high school, you still address your former teachers as Mr. and Mrs.  It’s where we finally share stories with our parents about all the stuff we did in high school only to realize they knew (most of it) all along.  

It’s where kids get a car for their 16th birthday that will require some level of daily maintenance in order for it to run and it was probably acquired with bartering.  It’s where cow tipping, in theory, could be a thing, but just doesn’t sound appealing because you already had to walk through the pasture twice that day to do chores.  It's where you can still pay with a check or run a tab.  It’s where people don’t lock their houses at night and don’t bother locking cars either.  It's being able to recite all of my friend's land line phone numbers and knowing if I dialed them today, it would be the same voices that picked up.  

It’s where kids learn that there are winners and losers in life.  Instead of participation ribbons, they have parents and teachers and coaches who tell you that if you want to be a winner, you have to work harder, be stronger, and be smarter than everyone else.  It’s saying it’s okay to lose.  But saying winning is better.  

To you, it’s a bunch of rednecks around a table with cheap beer.  It’s crazy people who manage to survive without Starbucks, hot spots and high end spas.   But it’s so much more than that.  To my rural upbringing, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that I used to think I was too good for you.  I’m sorry that I thought the big city had so much more to offer than your little town.  I used to feel bad for everyone I left behind in my small town.  I felt bad for them because they didn’t know what they were missing.  But, when I look back, I realize I am the one who is missing out.  While the rest of us were busy searching for the next best thing, they were keeping things the way they've always been.  And they're the ones who got it right.  Here’s to always having a place that feels like a rural Iowa home because it doesn't get any better than that. 

My Tipsy Platform

I've been amazed at how many people actually read a political post written by someone who calls herself Tipsy Mommy.  I'm even more amazed that some people took the time to email/message me with feedback.

I got a few messages explaining that I left out some very important issues in my original blog and they suggested that I needed to research those before I rule out voting for either candidate.  Given my self diagnosed ADHD, I can't say I blame them for assuming that I stopped halfway through my research and started watching funny cat videos on You Tube instead.  However, I'm happy to report that I actually HAVE contemplated most of the hot button issues, even though I didn't spell them out in my blog.  I am thrilled that at least 2 people are happy to read a 15 page dissertation written by Tipsy Mommy about the current shit show that we call the political process.

So, here's my take on which candidate seems to have shit figured out in (some of) the key issues this election.

1.  Foreign Affairs

They even cover this sort of shit in US Weekly, so it's obviously on my radar.  For the most part, Hillary is the clear winner in this department.  I know Trump hates ISIS (at least he's got THAT going for him) but I think the extent of his expertise on the middle east is that he visited there once and it was BEAUTIFUL and that he got along quite well with all the people who lived there.

Trump is definitely a wild card here but I can appreciate his sentiment.  We probably need to grow a set of balls that lines up with the size of our bank roll and figure out a way to be in charge of the playground again. And Trump has really been effective at highlighting some horrible trade deals that have been negotiated by career politicians so perhaps we could add that one to our "notes for next year".

VERDICT: HER

2. The Economy

I feel like I sort of addressed this in my last blog?  Maybe not?  Trump is the winner here.  Hands. Down.  Please don't do the whole "he filed for bankruptcy" business cuz it's weak. Super weak.  Just for background, Trump avoided taxes LEGALLY and, ironically, it was because of legislation put in place by your buddy BARACK OBAMA to stimulate the economy.  I'm sure this is somehow Bush's fault, even though the OTHER Clinton, in between cigar sessions, is the one who allowed no income verification loans through Fannie and Freddie which played a HUGE role in the fall of the economy.  And don't try to tell me that Clinton was an economic genius because we were so prosperous during his reign.  A main driver in the economy was the fact that the INTERNET WAS INVENTED!!!  And, no, Al Gore can NOT take credit for it.   Oh, and the "trumps clothing line is made in Chiiiinnnnaa".  Yeah, and that's less than ONE TENTH OF A PERCENT of his entire empire.  The huge portion of his empire is in BUILDINGS in the good ol' US of A.

I know people think we should tax the shit out of corporations but the problem with those damn for profit enterprises is that their only purpose is to make money.  So, if we raise taxes on business (whether they're small or huge), they have to make cuts elsewhere.  This is a concept that the American people can't always grasp because they treat credit cards with the same disregard that we treat the National Debt.  The art of budgeting and living within our means has fallen by the wayside for the American people and without a doubt, it's long gone for the government.  However, it's alive and well in the business world so increased taxes means they look for cheaper ways to get things done.  This might mean off shoring call centers, factories and distribution centers.  These are MIDDLE CLASS jobs that are lost and the wealth gap in this country gets worse.

VERDICT: The Donald

3. Immigration and Guns

I lump these together because, in my opinion, they need to be treated in a similar manner.  We can't have full access and we can't have no access.

Guns:  You're a complete lunatic if you don't agree that we need common sense gun control.  But you're equally delusional if you think that LAWS will keep people from obtaining guns.  The crappy thing about criminals is that we just can't seem to get them to follow the laws.  Weird.

BUT, the whole "we need guns to protect ourselves" is also moronic (is that a word?).  Unless you are trained by the military or in law enforcement, you have almost a ZERO PERCENT chance of effectively using a gun to defend yourself.  However, there is an argument for allowing law abiding citizens to bear arms.  First and foremost, it's in the Constitution (well, literally in the bill of rights but, whateves).  When you talk about something that important, it seems like trying to regulate it is probably a little easier to tackle than taking it out altogether.  My family cares about the second amendment because they're hunters.  I get that, and I respect that.  So let the argument be that people need guns for recreational purposes because deer are a real problem.  If you don't think they are, you've obviously never totaled your car by accidentally hitting one.

Immigration: I mean, the "big beautiful door" would likely become the 8th wonder of the world so maybe we should do it?!  We need something more than nothing.  And we can be compassionate to people around the world who need our help and our protection without being naive.

Verdict:  We are totally screwed. 

4.  Social Issues
I'm socially liberal.  For example: Gay Marriage.  I personally discourage ANYONE from getting married cuz it totally sucks, but, if someone wants to do it and they're having an open bar, I'm in.  I don't care about any of the other details.

I'm pro life because I have babies and heart beat means life to me.  But I don't think that means everyone else has to be pro life.  And the reality is, the time and money that would be spent trying to enforce anti-abortion laws, even with some of the "exceptions" republicans claims to support, is just not feasible.  Not to mention the absolute anguish it would cause the mother.

I think a handful of social issues are driven by poverty, which could be partially resolved by creating more jobs, incentivizing companies to keep jobs/production/distribution in the US instead of sending it overseas.

Sexism.  I feel like any inequity I received at a job was because I was generally inappropriate and annoying.  Not because I'm a chick.  However, sexism exists and that's probably not okay.

My household is most impacted by fiscal policy so that is what drives my vote.  And, no, I'm not one of those fiscal conservatives who thinks we can save billions by focusing on waste, fraud, and abuse.  It's a small fraction of one of the many versions of that damn graph that everyone alters and then sends around with the official government seal on it.  But there is some low hanging fruit that we should really just deal with.  Like, for example, GOVERNMENT PENSIONS.  I mean, come on people, this is such an archaic concept that companies don't even offer them anymore.  And, in general, I don't think throwing more people at a problem (i.e growing the government) ever helps solve it.


VERDICT: So f'ing screwed.

If you have a candidate you feel strongly about, I envy you.  I know I'm not the only one who feels like I am faced with two bad choices for our President.  I am a (sort of) informed voter just begging for one of these candidates to prove they are worthy of my vote.  And neither of them have done that. I'll probably end up voting for the lesser of the two evils (whatever that means) but I'm not going to like it.

In the meantime, I'm going to send the RNC a quick email and let them know that we have another election in four years and if they haven't started contemplating their candidate pool, they're already late.

And stay tuned for Tipsy Mommy's election coverage in Ohio which I'll be doing via FB Live!  I hope I don't get shot!!

TIPSY MOMMY FOR POTUS!!