Second Time Mamas

So, they have these things called "mom's groups".  Each one varies a bit, however, the general goal is for new mom's to get together to talk about their kids and bitch about their husbands.  

I made the mistake of joining a mom's group at my pre natal yoga studio for my first child.  Holy left wing nut jobs.  I almost quit the first day when one of the mom's was tandem nursing her infant and her 3 year old but I did what any good mom would do....I decided to stick it out so I'd have some good weekly material for my Facebook posts.  

So, TN (tandem nurser) was not the most fit mommy of the bunch and her beebows (as my neice calls them) had seen better, and higher, days.  The 3 year old was a classic "snacker"...meaning that she just wanted a little snack every few minutes.    Anyway, there's no way to give this story it's full value without getting a little graphic.  So, the 3 year old decides to get a little drink so she goes over to the mom and lays across her lap.  She's a little on the lazy side for a toddler so she asks her mom to throw her some boob so she can wet her whistle.   The toddler tries to just tilt her head to start her breast milk keg stand but it's too low for her to reach that way (#gravityiswinning).  No joke, the kid grabs the boob like a freeking sippy cup and then starts looking around at all of us while she's drinking.  

Fast forward almost exactly two years later.  I decided that the yoga studio group wasn't really my speed (especially not in an election year) so I joined another group.  This one was for "second time mama's" (translation, you've got another monster running around in addition to the one who just ripped you a new one a few short months ago).  I was referred to the group by a friend so I was optimistic.  I pull into the parking lot and see another woman there who I know instantly is the token crier and very possibly another tandem nurser.  The "leader" of the group takes her role very seriously.  A second time mama was explaining how her daughter starts crying whenever her husband gives her a bottle and while shes crying he just keeps forcing the bottle on her (which the mom thinks is obviously a horrible choice).  The leader says in all seriousness "Well, I think we have an issue of aggressive bottling here".  I bust out laughing (the laugh that actually makes sound) and say "Excuse me sir, you've been charged with aggressive bottling" in my best "cop" voice.  Everyone gives me this horrified look-- you would have thought I walked into the place with a "I love to shake babies" shirt on.  I tried to stifle my giggles but that was like trying to stop laughing in church.   The next woman talks about how she can't get her baby to take a pacifier.  She said she tries to force her to take it but she won't.  Are you freeking kidding me?  How was I supposed to walk away from that softball?  So of course I say "I think we have a case of aggressive pacifying here".   I did see two of the girls crack a legitmate smile so I could tell I was cracking the shell of these oh so serious second time mamas.  Stay tuned for more tales of moms groups (and all the other crap that happens to me)…