DDM's (Dense Daddy Moments)

Maternal instinct is a commonly used phrase that refers to how mom's just "know" what their kids need.  Have you ever heard the phrase "paternal instinct"? I honestly can't think of a single time that I've heard the phrase because, lets be honest, daddy's can be downright clueless. Here are a few of my favorite acronyms for DDM's (dense daddy moments)...

SSW- Stating the Spelled Word.
Meg "She already had c-o-o-k-i-e-s today"
John "cookies?"
way to go genius, you know how to freeking spell cookies. And now that you said the word out loud our kid is going to refer to them non-stop like rainman until I break down and let her have one more.

The Thanny (ok, so it's not a an acronym---it's a combo phrase like Brangelina)
This term gets used at our house anytime daddy changes a diaper. One side is a complete thong. The entire right ass cheek is hanging out. The other side is full on granny pantie coverage all the way across her hip. It's guaranteed to catch, well, absolutely NOTHING that the little shit (no pun intended) puts in their diaper.

NSB- No Soap Bath
"She sits in there for 30 minutes, you really think she needs soap when she's playing in the warm water for that long?" You know what honey, you're right, how the hell do soap companies make any money because clearly I'm the only idiot who thinks its actually required to get clean.

DC-Daddy Clean
This can be used when referring to the child who has just exited the NSB or when referring to a kitchen that was cleaned without the use of a sponge, broom, spray type cleaner or any kind of towel.

DBR- Daddy Bedtime Routine
 I often sit in the kitchen during DBR and think they must be deep cleaning charli's room and moving every single piece of furniture in there. You also hear sounds that make you think a plane is flying over your house but alas, its just daddy and the kid playing "airplane" during "wind down time". When daddy emerges from DBR he always has the same genuinely confused remark "honestly, I don't know why she never goes to bed for me". I can't even comment.

DDB- Daddy Diaper Bag
First of all, it's not a bag. It's a ziploc. It contains one diaper and a package of wet ones hand wipes.  Don't be impressed because he's considered that the kids hands will get dirty at the park, after all, that's what shirts are for.  He grabbed them with the full intention of using them on your kids ass before using the sole diaper as a thanny for the kid who shits first.

DT- Daddy Time (aka STFM slower than f'in molasses)
Me "Can you put Charli in her car seat while I pack the swim bag and diaper bag?"
Daddy "Sure"
I pack the swim bag, pack the diaper bag, change the baby and then decide I have time to throw in a load of laundry, assuming I can actually find the washing machine behind the mountain of dirty clothes.  7 minutes later I walk out the door and see my husband and daughter on the THIRD STEP of our house. Not even kidding you, they made it less than 7 feet in 7 minutes.

Where is my corkscrew?

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