A few Easy Steps to Make Your Holiday Merry…

The thing about the holidays is this….we ruin them by trying to do too much.  I don't even have a JOB and I have a TWO PAGE to do list.  My short term memory seems to reset every 30 seconds (what did I need at Target again?) because it's completely overloaded with tasks.

Here are some tips on how to survive the sprint to the finish that is Christmas week.

1.  Avoid shopping malls/strip malls at all possible costs.    I'm not sure what it is about a shopping center that makes people completely forget how to drive.  The only benefit of braving the crowds is witnessing a VW bug crashing into a stop sign and being lifted up like Christ himself.  I was out of memory on my phone so I couldn't video tape the woman literally jumping down from her car.  Hang up the phone and DRIVE PEOPLE!!

2.  Play dates, play dates and more play dates.  Why the hell do schools need to take two full weeks off for the holidays?  I mean, what are we teaching our kids?  95% of our kids will become something OTHER THAN teachers and these long holidays are just setting them up for disappointment once they enter the workforce.  At any rate, all the other moms are miserable as well.  Grab your phone, send out a group text, and plan a last minute play date.  Wine required, post play date clean up is optional….

3.  VALUE YOUR TIME!  Shop online, pay the shipping fees and splurge the $5 to have that shit wrapped for you too.  Do not even THINK about going to the post office.  Wanda has been working the post office for 25 years, she's never been in a hurry and it's not going to start this year.  Just bypass that whole scene and save yourself a lot of time and blood pressure medication.


4.  Take time to slow down and pamper yourself.  However, make sure to allow extra time to fill out all the paperwork required when you're a new client.  I like to alternate "occupations" between trophy wife and spa blogger.

5.  Do something impromptu and fun with your kiddos!   Actually, scratch that.  Don't even think about doing that.  I tried that on Monday.  It started with me packing the van with three kids, three helmets, three scooters and a double stroller.  The "scooter" ride bliss lasted about 12 feet.  Just long enough for the kid with a super sonic sense of smell to step in dog crap.  "I smell sumpin!!  What's on my shoe?  Is it poop mommy?"  "Oh no, honey, it's just smelly mud!"  Thank you jesus, she actually fell for it.

After another 12 feet and they were tired and hungry.  Did I say we went for a scooter ride on the bike path?  I meant "I pushed a hundred pound kid/scooter combo for a mile and they complained about being tired and hungry". Being a mom is hard work!

6.  BE HAPPY and BE NICE!!

People are freeking CRABBY during the "most wonderful time of the year".   I met my hottie husband for an early breakfast yesterday and the woman at the table next to us completely LOST HER SHIT on the waiter because she didn't like her bacon.  She actually said (and I quote) "the bacon was NOT crispy enough and if I would have known it was going to be half fat, I would have ordered something different".  Wait…what?  Being an Iowa farm girl (#gohawks! #rosebowl!), I appreciate that I probably have a bit more hog knowledge than the average bear but even city folk know that bacon is (at least) half fat.  The server handled it beautifully.  He apologized, took it off her bill and said "Have a Happy Holiday!"  He came to our table and I said (loud enough so she could hear) "that's why I only lasted two days as a server.  I would have totally lost my shit on that lady!"


When you break it down, it really isn't that hard to enjoy this time (and every time) of year.    Appreciate what you have, help others when you can, order bacon, and laugh when life hands you some smelly dog crap on your scooter ride.  Because just like the holiday season seems to go by in the blink of an eye, so does this crazy thing called life.  If you don't enjoy it, you just might miss it!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!  TRY NOT TO LOSE YOUR SHIT!

XO Meg (Tipsy Mommy)

Merry F'ing Christmas….

It's the most wonderful  (horrible) time of the year….

I thought about writing one of those cheesy holiday letters this year.  You know, the kind that are always two pages, single spaced, size 12 Comic Sans font.  They talk about the parent, child, and the occasional "family" accomplishments (meet our new puppy, Fito!!)

Here are six easy steps for creating the perfect Christmas letter!

1.  Include flattering pictures of your gorgeous family

I think we can all agree that making sure everyone is facing the camera can only be trumped by the epic picture that includes your 3 year old getting tea bagged by your 18 month old.

2.  Give credit to your supportive, adorable spouse (who doesn't even realize you sent Christmas cards).

Here's a picture of John bringing his A game on a flight back to MN with our 3 kids under age 5.  I look at it and think….that guy really deserves more blow jobs.

3.  Discuss careers.

Meg quit her job and decided to stay at home with the kids.  I think everyone is enjoying the change…..

4.  Talk about each of the kids and their milestones for the year.

At the ripe age of 5, Charli is showing signs of her career aspirations…….

Sammi is learning the critical skills of getting dressed by herself.  She is also showing interest in politics and asked to go as Donald Trump for Halloween (not pictured) #thehair.

Noah is almost 2.  As the 3rd kid, he spends a majority of his time unsupervised  and getting the shit kicked out of him by Sammi. #hugturnedheadlock

5.  Talk about family adventures or trips.

John and I spent a few days in Napa again this year with our dear friends Mike and Cindy.  I always worry that the UPS guy thinks I have a drinking problem because wine gets delivered by the shit ton.  I passed him at the corner one time and he yells "Hey, Meg, I have your booze!  Are you gonna be home in an hour so I can swing back around?".  I think we can all agree that I'm straight up VIP status when the UPS guy is flagging me down at the corner.

#winepeopleproblems #weregonnaneedabiggergarage

6.  Give a general sign off and talk about being "blessed".

We look forward to seeing all of you in the new year and pray for good health, good friends and a shit ton of good wine for all of you.  God bless you in the new year.

 6.  Crack a box of wine, crank the christmas music, address, and send! Oh, and remember, the holidays should be about all the laughter, all the family and all the fun (and YES it really should be fun!)

Happy holidays from our Shit Show to yours….

Road Trip!

Here's what I've learned about traveling with kids.   It totally f'ing blows.  The floor of the swagger wagon is completely covered in "snack debris" with the occasional spilled sippy cup.  Nothing is more awesome than a partially soaked graham cracker on the bottom of your foot.  Last time, I actually made a handwritten sign that I held up to passing cars that said "Will Trade Kids for Wine".  I got a couple of laughs but no takers on the trade.

The kids language is horrific after two hours in the car.  Sam wanted her sippy cup back after hurling it in a fit of travel rage at Johns head.  I couldn't find where the damn thing landed so I said "sorry, sam, I can't find it."   She gave an exasperated sigh and said, "Oh fuck it.  I don't need it".  This actually felt like an ENORMOUS win for me so I just said "Thanks for being flexible sam!"  Bra. vo!

And then you have to deal with "potty" issues.  Sidebar:  I have to say that I'd take kid potty issues over adult male potty issues every day of the week.  Why do men get a spontaneous urge to take a crap?  It's like their bodies offer absolutely no warning for when this is going to happen.  Not only that, but it STILL takes them 30 minutes to finish the job.  It makes NO SENSE.  Either you have to go urgently, or you have to take 30 minutes.  It just can't work both ways.  I had a good friend say "I go in the bathroom and you don't know whether I shit or pissed because it takes the same amount of time.  What the hell takes men so long?"  Amen Sista.  I have no freeking idea.

Anyway, back to kid travel.  Fast forward twelve and a half hours to hotel check in.  How hard is it to swipe my credit card and give me keys that will actually open the damn door?  We have 18 wheeled carts full of shit, the kids are asleep in our arms (which are, coincidentally also asleep because I've been holding one of them for 26 minutes during check in) and we finally get to the door of our room.  We pull out the hotel key card, swipe it, and get the red f'ing light.  Of course I try it 10 more times thinking there's no way a key they JUST GAVE ME doesn't work! But, despite my optimism, we return to the front desk for another key.  I throw such a shit fit that I'm almost positive they've just given me a master key that will open any door in the hotel just to save themselves from being physically accosted if I have to walk back down there.

We put the kids in their beds and THANK YOU JESUS they stay asleep.  I head straight for the mini bar to grab a screw top single serve bottle of wine that they hand out for free on airplanes but charge you $15 for in a hotel room and say "we are never going on 'vacation' again….."

The Birds and the Bees….

In my last post, I promised to tell you the story about how I found out I was pregnant.  I was going to say "here's the story about how I got pregnant" but that story isn't actually that interesting and I was too bombed to remember the details anyway.  Whoever said "a good story never starts with a salad" was spot on.

Anyway, our beloved SamSam (the one I affectionately call an f'ing monster) was about 10 months old.    She's been a real piece of work since the minute she entered this world.  Actually, she was a monster BEFORE that…most notably during the EIGHTEEN hours of labor to physically get her into this world.  The doc who gave me the epidural was about 12 and was obviously on a performance improvement plan at Fairview Hospital.  If Sam was going to enter the world through my heel, or even my knee, I would have been GOLDEN because those things were numb as hell.  Everything north of that, not so much.  Major buzz kill.

Anyway, she was about 10 months old and was already hell on Robeez.  We were preparing to move to a new city for my hubby's job and he's 100 years old so we decided that our family was complete with the four of us.

I was spending a lot of time at the gym but still didn't feel like I was getting great results.  The girls were sleeping fairly well but I could still barely pull myself out of bed every morning.  I stopped by the pharmacy on my way home from work to pick up a refill on my birth control pills.  The pharmacist comes over and asks if I have any questions.  I explain that I am tired and bloated and suggest that I might want to try a new pill with fewer side effects.   He looks puzzled and says "When was your last menstrual cycle".  I reply "2010 (it was 2013 at the time) but I've basically been pregnant and/or nursing since then."  He pauses and says "Is there a chance you could be pregnant?"  I do the laugh that makes a noise and say "No way!  I've had two kids, I would know if I was pregnant…I mean…I'd be tired….bloated……shit….shit….shit".   I grab the pills and race to the "adult" aisle at Target.  I buy the EPT 3 pack and bolt home.

John was out of town at the time (shocker!) so I decided I would take the test after I put the girls to bed.    The plus sign showed up INSTANTLY.  I had the obvious reaction….I barfed.  You would have thought I was a 16 year old taking the pregnancy test in my parents basement for god's sake.

I called the next day to make an OB appointment.   I show up and the doc basically repeats the questions the pharmacist asked me.  They confirm that I'm pregnant and decide to do a "dating ultra sound".  I quip "what are you? match.com for fetuses?"  He's not amused.

The ultra sound reveals that I'm 11.5 weeks pregnant.  He suggests that I stop taking the birth control pills.  I reply "No shit, sherlock".  He then asks me "Do you drink regularly?"  I laugh (out loud) and say "Umm…I instagrammed a picture of a mojito I was drinking at LUNCH yesterday…BY MYSELF."  He gave me the understandable judgement face and says "I'd recommend refraining from alcohol going forward".  The shock of the past 24 hours had resulted in a semi permanent loss of my "filter" so I quickly respond "Do you think I should maybe wean it (the fetus) off the booze?  Or should I definitely do cold turkey?" He didn't actually speak but his "look" gave me the answer.  I quickly agreed "yeah, I mean, I agree, cold turkey for sure."  He then tells me that John and I should start talking about more permanent measures to prevent pregnancy if we don't want any additional children.  Boy, Captain Obvious is a real genius!!

I must say, it all ended perfectly.  Pregnancy flies by a lot quicker when you drink through the first trimester and at the end we ended up with the most adorable little boy who turned out just perfect despite my mojito lunches during the first trimester.  As my mom reassured me "I drank all the time when I was pregnant with you kids and you guys turned out just fine!"  Well…that's debatable….