I'm a Botox virgin, I'm scared to death, and I have wine in my pocket….

One of my friends is turning 40 this year and she decided she was going to try Botox.  I invited myself to tag along and try it out.  We settled on Dr. Ginger Hensen at @Cincinnati Eye Institute.  Dr. Hensen is an eye surgeon so she literally does botox in between "put eyeball back in socket" appointments so she seemed qualified.

I was nervous, but I wasn't nervous about the pain.  My epidurals didn't work for my kids so Botox was going to be a walk in the park.  My biggest fear was that I would die.  I googled "botox related deaths" "death by botox" and every imaginable version of that search in the weeks leading up to my appointment.  #WebMD actually gave me an honorary online degree after about three weeks of this nonsense.  I started off the appointment saying "If I'm the first #Botox death on record, I'm gonna be pissed."

Dr Hensen was great.  She patiently answered our questions and explained the procedure.   I offered her a pull off my TSA size wine bottle and she declined, which I thought was very professional.  She politely laughed at my joke about "sharing needles (with my friend) to save money" but you could tell she takes her job very seriously.  It almost deterred me from non stop sarcasm….almost.  Perhaps the most impressive thing about Dr. Hensen is that both of us mentioned areas where we thought needed Botox and she agreed in some areas and discouraged us from doing it on other areas.  Kudos to honesty, doc.  She did make us feel like wimps for requesting numbing cream but I couldn't blame her for that one.

If you're thinking about trying Botox, here are some tips:

1.  Go with someone older.  It's better when you go with an older friend.  The "doesn't she need more because she's older?"  and "how much more is she getting than me?"  jokes never get old.

2.  Bring Alcohol.  Everything is better with booze.

3.  Don't tell your husband.  Most of my friends say their husbands didn't want them to get Botox because they were worried it would look "plastic" or "fake".  The reality is, men are so clueless about this crap that most of them probably wouldn't even notice if you didn't tell them.

4.  Read the waiver form.  Not because the information is relevant, but because it's hysterical.  It explains that you might experience "asymmetry" and advises you to "stay upright for at least four hours".  There goes that five hour nap I had planned this afternoon.

5.  Look the part.  I threw on yoga gear and my "I love camping" sweatshirt and I'm not gonna lie…I felt under dressed.  I'd recommend throwing on some rouge and lipstick too.

6.  Skip the numbing cream.  Because it makes you look like a pussy.

Overall I thought it was a fun experience and I would recommend trying it if you have some disposable income and you're too lazy to stick with an anti-aging skin care regimen.

I'd give you my "Cheers to Thirsty Thursday" look but I can't move my forehead.

XOXO- Tipsy Mommy

Nanny Diaries...

If you're a working mom with toddlers, you've contemplated various child care options for your kids.  I opted for the nanny route for a few different reasons.  We've had our current nanny for 3 and a half years and she is perfect for us.  However, the road to family/nanny compatibility was a rough one and I didn't get it right on the first…or second…or even the third try.   Here's a re cap...

August

I'm not having my first child for two more months, however, I'm anxious to get everything "organized" so I meet with various nanny agencies.  I decide to use Above and Beyond Nannies and pay an outrageous fee for "access" to their "exceptional" candidate pool.

September

After interviewing 13 candidates who were pre-selected by the agency, I decide on a "granny nanny" who meets my 200 rule (age plus weight must be at least 200-- it's a simple, yet effective formula).  I picture the baby and "Nana Cathy" cuddling on the couch with infant approved books and a sparkling clean kitchen every day when I get home.

October

The baby is here!  Nana Cathy starts and it's sort of like what I pictured but there are a few key differences.  For example, she didn't breast feed her kids and I caught her throwing away breast milk on multiple occasions.  Nothing makes a new mama want to cut a bitch more than wasting breast milk.  She didn't seem to understand my attachment to the liquid gold until I said "I have to remove that shit from my body with a f'ing machine that makes me look and sound like a cow….if you throw it out again, you're fired!"

She did clean the kitchen but also spent hours talking on the phone and watching Barefoot Contessa on the cooking channel while the baby sat in her bouncy seat.

Old people also want lots of workplace accommodations….

"My back hurts from bending over the changing table…can you get a taller one?"
"I don't like to drive at night, can you get home early today?"

We hit the point of no return quickly.  After a few months, I started exclusively referring to her as "shit for brains" behind her back but remembered, for the most part, to use her actual name during interactions.


March

Unfortunately, the generation gap didn't end with breast milk.  Granny nanny (aka shit for brains) raised her kids in the "no car seat" era.  It seems obvious to most people that technology advances are annoying in some areas but absolutely critical in other areas, like car seats.  She decided to go for a spin in her car with my kid on her lap in the DRIVER seat and then was dumb enough to tell me about it when I got home.  I did what any reasonable person would do.  I said "are you f'ing kidding me?  you have complete shit for brains.  you're fired".  It felt good to finally get that off my chest.

And now Nanny 2.0 search begins...

March  (later that day...)
I  called the nanny agency and explained that I terminated the nanny they referred to me 5 months ago because she is a fucking moron.  Now that I had some experience with a nanny, I realized there were some additional requirements I wanted to outline.  Some of them should have been obvious, such as car seat usage requirement, no TV for my infant, no union type workplace requests, etc but I specifically outlined them anyway.   They assured me they had countless candidates that would be perfect (for real this time!) for our family and promised to send me some resumes.

Two Days Later
Still waiting for said resumes from agency.

A Week Later
A slew of resumes arrive.  They have "questionnaires" each of the nanny candidates have completed.  Most of them are photocopies of hand written responses which seemed a little behind the times.  Once I got past the ridiculousness of hand written information, I started actually reading them and hilarity ensued.  Here is a exact quote from one of the resumes that is a real gem. 

          Question 26:  Are you eligible to work in the US?  Applicant Response "Yes"
          Question 27:  Do you have a Visa?  If so, what kind?  Applicant Response "Yes. Debit Card"

Out. Standing.

I continue through the list and ignore all the spelling errors.  After all, my kid was only 4 months old.  She'll learn how to spell in Kindergarten.  I settle on a girl who was a preschool teacher.  She showed up for the interview 3 minutes late.  I have an unhealthy obsession with timeliness so this was a huge red flag for me.  But she showed up with toys for the kids and they loved her.  She had another offer that was expiring in two days so I had the make a quick decision.  I decided to hire her.  Her stint was even shorter than shit for brains but, shockingly, her on the job offenses were even more impressive.

Incident #1.  She put her phone on the counter.  I didn't LOOK at it, I just happen to "notice" it.  Imagine my surprise when I notice that she has a picture of John (my husband) as her screen saver.  Not one to shy away from confrontation, I say "Wow, nice pic of my husband on your screen saver".  I have to admit, she shocked me with her response! She smiles and says  "I know, right?"  I couldn't muster a response but thought quietly, this is why I have the 200 rule. 

Incident #2- the drunk dial. To be fair, she wasn't working that day but it was only 4 pm and she was blitzed. I finally just hung up after she slurred "ohmygod....iseeerooiuslyloveyouguyzsss!" for the 5th time.  I was just glad she included the whole family instead of just John. 

Incident #3. The salary discussion.  She tried to negotiate a higher rate when I hired her.  I told her no but said we could revisit it after I got a better feel for her performance. She continued to show up late (and usually hung over) so when she asked for a raise I said no.  She quickly replied "don't you need to ask John?"  I didn't even justify it with a response. That bitch had a lot to learn. 

The straw that broke the camels back was when she called in sick on a Monday morning saying she "got food poisoning at the Renaissance festival".  This seemed a tad far fetched so I decided to creep on her Facebook page (even though we weren't FB friends).  Imagine my surprise when I realized she posted pics with friends and wine at 10 pm. 

I didn't even call her to fire her.  I did it via text. She said "I'm sick today". I responded "thanks for letting me know. Oh and your Renaissance festival pics on FB were super cute. Oh, and you're fired". 

After all, I can't be associated with people who can't handle their wine....

Xoxo tipsy mommy 

Hail to Dr. Seuss….

Happy Dr. Seuss Day!  If you have kids, you have read a Dr. Seuss book…or twelve.

Kids loves his books because they have so many funny words.  They work for older kids too because they talk about emotions in a silly, yet effective way.  While Dr. Suess is one of the most successful authors of all time, I have to admit, as a parent, they aren't my favorite books to read...

The Top 5 Reasons I Try to Avoid Dr. Seuss Books 

1.  Too Tired for Tongue Twisters

I don't know who technically invented the "tongue twister" but this Seuss dude mastered it.  I wonder if I could do a better job with the tongue twisters after a glass or two of wine.

2. I'm Trying To Cut Back on Profanity

Seriously, if you can read this passage without accidentally saying the word dick, you have a gift.

3.  End of Day Attention Span

At the end of a long day, I find myself reading the words on the page but changing them in my head to make it a little more applicable to life as a stay at home mom…

Nah, in my head, I think about my three toddlers who are all still in car seats and I see "Oh the places you WON'T go"…..the list includes anything that doesn't have a drive thru.  And church.

4.  Career Limiting Lyrics

What in the hell was he trying to accomplish with "Put Me in the Zoo" book?  An entire book about a unidentifiable animal who wants to be in the zoo and then sets his sights even higher and lands in the circus??  Have another hit, Doc.

 5.  Poor Life Choices

If you don't realize that "Go Dog Go" is about pot heads driving to a frat party, you're crazy.

And The Cat in the Hat has definitely landed him on the "Most Wanted List" by Child Protective Services.

If I'm reading this correctly, two toddlers were left home alone all day.  It was raining and a strange man, dressed as a cat, showed up and played "make believe" games with them all day?  Dateline would have a field day with this one.


6. Hidden Messages

Ok, I said 5, but ended with 6.
I was inspired by one of his pix.

Clearly this pic, was meant for me.
It might be meant for you too, that's fine.

The Yink likes to drink.
And his drink is pink.
He's talking about wine.
That's what I think.

May Dr. Seuss Day be filled with friends like Yink and fun pink stuff to drink.

XOXO

Tipsy Mommy