August
I'm not having my first child for two more months, however, I'm anxious to get everything "organized" so I meet with various nanny agencies. I decide to use Above and Beyond Nannies and pay an outrageous fee for "access" to their "exceptional" candidate pool.
September
After interviewing 13 candidates who were pre-selected by the agency, I decide on a "granny nanny" who meets my 200 rule (age plus weight must be at least 200-- it's a simple, yet effective formula). I picture the baby and "Nana Cathy" cuddling on the couch with infant approved books and a sparkling clean kitchen every day when I get home.
October
The baby is here! Nana Cathy starts and it's sort of like what I pictured but there are a few key differences. For example, she didn't breast feed her kids and I caught her throwing away breast milk on multiple occasions. Nothing makes a new mama want to cut a bitch more than wasting breast milk. She didn't seem to understand my attachment to the liquid gold until I said "I have to remove that shit from my body with a f'ing machine that makes me look and sound like a cow….if you throw it out again, you're fired!"
She did clean the kitchen but also spent hours talking on the phone and watching Barefoot Contessa on the cooking channel while the baby sat in her bouncy seat.
Old people also want lots of workplace accommodations….
"My back hurts from bending over the changing table…can you get a taller one?"
"I don't like to drive at night, can you get home early today?"
We hit the point of no return quickly. After a few months, I started exclusively referring to her as "shit for brains" behind her back but remembered, for the most part, to use her actual name during interactions.
March
Unfortunately, the generation gap didn't end with breast milk. Granny nanny (aka shit for brains) raised her kids in the "no car seat" era. It seems obvious to most people that technology advances are annoying in some areas but absolutely critical in other areas, like car seats. She decided to go for a spin in her car with my kid on her lap in the DRIVER seat and then was dumb enough to tell me about it when I got home. I did what any reasonable person would do. I said "are you f'ing kidding me? you have complete shit for brains. you're fired". It felt good to finally get that off my chest.
And now Nanny 2.0 search begins...
March (later that day...)
I called the nanny agency and explained that I terminated the nanny they referred to me 5 months ago because she is a fucking moron. Now that I had some experience with a nanny, I realized there were some additional requirements I wanted to outline. Some of them should have been obvious, such as car seat usage requirement, no TV for my infant, no union type workplace requests, etc but I specifically outlined them anyway. They assured me they had countless candidates that would be perfect (for real this time!) for our family and promised to send me some resumes.
Two Days Later
Still waiting for said resumes from agency.
A Week Later
A slew of resumes arrive. They have "questionnaires" each of the nanny candidates have completed. Most of them are photocopies of hand written responses which seemed a little behind the times. Once I got past the ridiculousness of hand written information, I started actually reading them and hilarity ensued. Here is a exact quote from one of the resumes that is a real gem.
Question 26: Are you eligible to work in the US? Applicant Response "Yes"
Question 27: Do you have a Visa? If so, what kind? Applicant Response "Yes. Debit Card"
Out. Standing.
I continue through the list and ignore all the spelling errors. After all, my kid was only 4 months old. She'll learn how to spell in Kindergarten. I settle on a girl who was a preschool teacher. She showed up for the interview 3 minutes late. I have an unhealthy obsession with timeliness so this was a huge red flag for me. But she showed up with toys for the kids and they loved her. She had another offer that was expiring in two days so I had the make a quick decision. I decided to hire her. Her stint was even shorter than shit for brains but, shockingly, her on the job offenses were even more impressive.
Incident #1. She put her phone on the counter. I didn't LOOK at it, I just happen to "notice" it. Imagine my surprise when I notice that she has a picture of John (my husband) as her screen saver. Not one to shy away from confrontation, I say "Wow, nice pic of my husband on your screen saver". I have to admit, she shocked me with her response! She smiles and says "I know, right?" I couldn't muster a response but thought quietly, this is why I have the 200 rule.
Incident #2- the drunk dial. To be fair, she wasn't working that day but it was only 4 pm and she was blitzed. I finally just hung up after she slurred "ohmygod....iseeerooiuslyloveyouguyzsss!" for the 5th time. I was just glad she included the whole family instead of just John.
Incident #3. The salary discussion. She tried to negotiate a higher rate when I hired her. I told her no but said we could revisit it after I got a better feel for her performance. She continued to show up late (and usually hung over) so when she asked for a raise I said no. She quickly replied "don't you need to ask John?" I didn't even justify it with a response. That bitch had a lot to learn.
The straw that broke the camels back was when she called in sick on a Monday morning saying she "got food poisoning at the Renaissance festival". This seemed a tad far fetched so I decided to creep on her Facebook page (even though we weren't FB friends). Imagine my surprise when I realized she posted pics with friends and wine at 10 pm.
I didn't even call her to fire her. I did it via text. She said "I'm sick today". I responded "thanks for letting me know. Oh and your Renaissance festival pics on FB were super cute. Oh, and you're fired".
After all, I can't be associated with people who can't handle their wine....
Xoxo tipsy mommy
You are absolutely hysterical! I can always count on your blog for a laugh! In the future, send me any preschool teacher resumes and I'll screen them for you! ;-)
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