It's only "the thought that counts" if you actually think...

Why is Father's Day "National Spend All Day Golfing With Your Buddies" Day but Mother's Day is "National Let's Do A Huge Outing with The Whole Family" Day?  SPOILER ALERT:  The "day out with the fam" thing is actually a shit ton of work for mom.  Packing lunches, diaper bags, extra clothes, etc. etc….you get my drift.  You'd probably get more points just scheduling a surprise root canal for her that day.

If you're in a romantic relationship with a woman who happens to be a mother, then listen up.  Here are the top 5 things you need to do on Mother's Day if you ever want to get laid again.

1.  Kids?  What kids?

You know what totally ruins Mother's Day?  Kids.  I don't even want to see my kids.  Dads should just pretends it's "No Mothering Today" Day.

2.  Empty Nest? Yes, yes and yes!

You know what is amazing when you're a stay at home mom?  Time alone in your house.  When the house is empty (and quiet) moms can do laundry, clean, or organize the pantry.  Or they have the option of sitting in bed, watching reality TV for hours and not doing anything that resembles "mom life".  You know what's wrong with that?  Not a damn thing.

3.  Pampering, pampering, and more pampering

Massage, facials (from a professional, you pervert) and pedis, oh my!  You know why moms love the spa?  It's not because of the relaxing music, the scented candles, or the comfy robes.  It's because they don't allow kids.  You can actually take a piss in peace and then have someone other than your 3 year old rub your feet.

4.  Channel your Inner Mr. Clean

That's right, honey.  You need to clean.  And then do the laundry.  I'm tellin' ya, this is like mom porn.  Nothing turns mommy on like watching her spouse share the proverbial load.  If you can actually put everything away in the correct place, you're almost guaranteed to get a happy ending.

5.  Get Creative

Once you become a mom, you're required to be sentimental.  It just comes with the territory.  So, if you want to make your old lady swoon, help the kiddos make homemade cards to celebrate Mother's Day.  You get points for being creative and you're sort of sticking it to that asshole Mr. Hallmark who made up this damn day in the first place.

So, this Mother's Day, try to do all the things your spouse/partner/girlfriend does for your entire family every single day.  It will make her feel loved and it just might make you appreciate her a little bit more too.

And you should probably have a glass of wine waiting for her when she finally gets home too.

Cheers!

XOXO  Tipsy Mommy