I had a million errands to do, including getting my oil changed in the van. The appointment was supposed to take an hour but actually took two hours and they didn't even wash the car!! Is this how that other half lives??!
Anyway, I vacuum my van every Monday morning but by Tuesday afternoon it looks like we've been living in it for 3 weeks. It was a Wednesday and I had family coming into town so I decided to wash and vacuum it again. While I was picking up "debris", I found a piece of chocolate that looked like someone(thing) had gnawed the edges. I immediately knew a critter must have been in my van because a half eaten piece of chococlate just doesn't exist with my kids.
I start vacuuming and find mouse shit on the floor of the van. I immediately did the heebee jeebee high step like Clark Griswold when he figures out that Aunt Edna died in his station wagon. I can hardly bring myself to keep vacuuming, even though sucking that fucker in the shop vac is probably best case scenario. I force myself to keep vacuuming because the thought of animal feces in my van is almost as horrifying as having a rodent in there. I finish and have to drive the mouse mobile to pick the girls up at school. I rolled down all the windows for the ride. I realize this makes no sense but it made me feel a little less claustrophobic. I kept waiting for the little shit to spontaneously appear on my steering wheel and hiss at me with his teeth and claws exposed for battle.
I get home and google "rodents in vans".
I get tons of hits and realize I'm not the only person who has experienced this problem. There are multiple lists of "37 simple steps to get a rodent(s) out of your car". Here are the highlights.
1. "Remove rodent hiding-places next to your car. Cut down shrubbery and vines."
Hold on…is "cutting down the forest next to my garage" really a feasible option for people??!!
2. "Remove food sources from car…"
You're basically asking me to get rid of my children. I could probably be convinced but my husband will veto that shit in a heartbeat.
3. "Park with the hood up so the rodent doesn't have a dark place to hide"
This might be an option…if I actually knew how to open it.
4. "Use traps. Baits risk poisoning."
Are you a fucking moron? I could care less if this fucker gets poisoned! I'm actually willing to risk poisoning my kid to guarantee that this thing isn't going to fly across my dash on I-71.
5. "Use strong-smelling substances such as powdered fox urine, used cat litter, cat hair, Pine-Sol, Irish Spring soap, and red pepper."
First of all, Irish Spring soap users across the world should be outraged. Secondly, how the fuck do you "powder" fox urine? I mean, is that a thing? Used cat litter? I. Have. No. Words.
6. "Use electronic deterrent devices. Some have had success with ultrasound devices, others swear by the strobe-light-emitting 'mouse blocker'.”
Wait, a strobe light in my van? I can't decide if I'm more likely to find one of those at Spencer's or Home Depot. And WTF is an ultra sound machine? If the mouse can tolerate the sound of my kids losing their ever living minds because the hot spot on their iPad isn't working, then I don't think this ultra sound situation is going to work.
I settle for a thorough interior detail at the Toyota dealership and tell them I'll slip them an extra c note if they can bring me the carcus of the mouse when they're finished. If they fail at their apprehension mission, I'm going to try to convince my husband that a new van is going to way less painful than listening to me bitch about driving around a rodent infested swagger wagon.
Wish me luck and pour me a double, please.
I get home and google "rodents in vans".
I get tons of hits and realize I'm not the only person who has experienced this problem. There are multiple lists of "37 simple steps to get a rodent(s) out of your car". Here are the highlights.
1. "Remove rodent hiding-places next to your car. Cut down shrubbery and vines."
Hold on…is "cutting down the forest next to my garage" really a feasible option for people??!!
2. "Remove food sources from car…"
You're basically asking me to get rid of my children. I could probably be convinced but my husband will veto that shit in a heartbeat.
3. "Park with the hood up so the rodent doesn't have a dark place to hide"
This might be an option…if I actually knew how to open it.
4. "Use traps. Baits risk poisoning."
Are you a fucking moron? I could care less if this fucker gets poisoned! I'm actually willing to risk poisoning my kid to guarantee that this thing isn't going to fly across my dash on I-71.
5. "Use strong-smelling substances such as powdered fox urine, used cat litter, cat hair, Pine-Sol, Irish Spring soap, and red pepper."
First of all, Irish Spring soap users across the world should be outraged. Secondly, how the fuck do you "powder" fox urine? I mean, is that a thing? Used cat litter? I. Have. No. Words.
6. "Use electronic deterrent devices. Some have had success with ultrasound devices, others swear by the strobe-light-emitting 'mouse blocker'.”
Wait, a strobe light in my van? I can't decide if I'm more likely to find one of those at Spencer's or Home Depot. And WTF is an ultra sound machine? If the mouse can tolerate the sound of my kids losing their ever living minds because the hot spot on their iPad isn't working, then I don't think this ultra sound situation is going to work.
I settle for a thorough interior detail at the Toyota dealership and tell them I'll slip them an extra c note if they can bring me the carcus of the mouse when they're finished. If they fail at their apprehension mission, I'm going to try to convince my husband that a new van is going to way less painful than listening to me bitch about driving around a rodent infested swagger wagon.
Wish me luck and pour me a double, please.
xoxo,
Tipsy Mommy
Ha! It's totally a tossup between deforesting our entire city OR removing all food-eating children so we can have mouse-free rides. C'mon google search, there HAS to be a better way!!
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