7 Words That Make No Freeking Sense.

People are always trying to think of the next "big thing".  This generation isn't content with status quo…they are always on the hunt for something better.  At the risk of being called closed minded, I'm gonna say that we've taken "forward thinking" a little too far.   I've compiled a list of words that prove this point.  These words literally make no sense.

1.  Meme

A meme (/ˈmiːm/ meem) is "an idea, behavior, or style that spreads from person to person within a culture".

First of all, I have no f'ing idea how this is pronounced. Second, if you try to go pre-Y2K and actually use your brain to figure out what the hell it means based on it's letters/structure/etc, there's no way you're gonna figure it out either.  Me me?  Wasn't she that old lady on Golden Girls?


2. Emoticon

e·mo·ti·con

əˈmōdəˌkän/

noun

plural noun: emoticons

1. a representation of a facial expression such as:-) (representing a smile), formed by various combinations of keyboard characters and used in electronic communications to convey the writer's feelings or intended tone.
   
   

   

   
   

   
   

People are SO LAZY! Here's an idea, if you're trying to explain your feelings, then explain your feelings! It would be one thing if there were a handful of emoticons…you know, happy, sad, mad, etc. But there are over 50,000 freeking emoticons! I accidentally hit the one beside the "laughing so hard he's crying" emoticon and I had no idea what the one I inadvertently sent actually meant.

3. Emoji

Emoji: Originally meaning pictograph, the word emoji comes from Japanese e (絵, "picture") + moji (文字, "character"). The apparent resemblance to English "emotion" and "emoticon" is just a coincidence.^[7]

Jesus H.  I really hate research within research.

           A pictogram, also called a pictogramme, pictograph, or simply picto,^[1] and also an          'icon'^{[citation needed]}, is an ideogram that conveys its meaning through its pictorial resemblance to a physical object

Not to be confused with an emoticon because these things are COMPLETELY different.  Honestly, I'm too confused to even type right now.

4. Wikipedia

Calling the site "a place where complete idiots can post totally unsubstantiated shit and make it look legit" won't drum up much business and it's probably a little wordy.  So, creating a completely new word was probably a better route.   Here's my issue.  It pretends to be a "research" site but they have a freeking disclaimer that pops up with some content.

This article needs additional citations for verification. Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (November 2006)

Ok, Wiki, Shit or get off the pot.  Either be a reference site or be the Onion.  You don't get to play both sides.

5.  Millennial

mil·len·nial

miˈlenēəl/

noun

plural noun: millennials; plural noun: Millennials

1. a person reaching young adulthood around the year 2000; a Generation Yer.

   "the industry brims with theories on what makes millennials tick"

Truthfully I understand how they came up with this word, I just don't think the definition is correct.  Apparently they can't swear on Google because we all know this means "entitled little fuckers".

6. Twerk

Twerking (/ˈtwɜrkɪŋ/) is a type of dancing in which an individual, usually a female,^[1] dances to music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low squatting stance.^[2]

Let's all agree that formally documenting a word created by Miley Cyrus is a bad idea, ok?

7. Fleek

on fleek 

the quality of being perfect, or on point i.e. Zayn Malik

What the fleek??  An "on fleek meme"?!?!  *mind blown*. I agree.  Let's boycott on fleek.  You know a good word for something perfect?  "PERFECT!"

I envision a similar list from a teenager that could be called "Words my mom says that make no sense".  It would include things like "land lines", "rotary dial phones", "dial up internet", "jorts" and "flip phones".  I pretend that I'm going to defy these trends and stick to my old school language because I don't care if I'm "hip".  But the reality is that I'll be trying to use these damn words in the correct context for the next year.  Except for #6, I refuse to part of anything related to twerking.  You're welcome.

XOXO Tipsy Mommy

Are you "That" mom? Take this short quiz to find out...

Every group of friends has "that mom".  Just like every group in college had the "slutty friend".  And the same rule applies…if you don't think you have one, it's YOU.

Please answer the questions below to figure out if you're "that mom". 

1.  How many times a week do you cook dinner?

A) 6 times per week.  We have family date night on Friday's.

B) 3 times per week

C) Weekends only

D) What exactly do you mean when you say "cook"?

2.  How many hours per day do you let your kids watch TV?

A) Less than 2 hours

B) 2-3 hours

C) 5 hours

D) Um….let me calculate how many hours they are awake each day….

3. When was your husbands last blow job?

A) This week

B) Less than a month ago

C) Within the last 6 months

D) Blow job?  We're married.  

4.  How many times a week do you wear something OTHER THAN yoga clothes?

A) Every Day

B) 3 times per week

C) Weekends Only

D) I don't understand this question…what else would I wear?

5.  How many times a week do you wear yoga clothes and actually do yoga (or some other form of exercise)?

A) Every Day

B) 3 times per week

C) Weekends Only

D) The last time I hit the gym was the last day I gave my husband a BJ.  Didn't I tell you I'm married?

If you answered mostly "A", you are, without a doubt, "that" mom.
Listen. Women need to start supporting each other.  I think we can all agree that BJ's are pointless once you're married.  They're like watching football.  It's something you do when you're dating to convince the guy that you're not a "typical" chick so they ask you out again.  Make up, cooking and exercise are EASY opportunities for us to level the playing field.  When our spouses see other women making more of an effort (in any aspect of our lives), it puts the slackers in a poor light.  The next time you have the urge to do that two hour hot yoga class, take a minute to think about how that might make that mom who is plucking her chin hairs in car line feel.

If you answered B or C to all/most of the questions you're a "borderline mom".  You make a bit of an effort in most areas of your life, but not enough of an effort to alienate potential mom friends.  Keep up the good work and remember, when in doubt, choose to DO LESS!  Love you!

If you answered "D" to most of the questions you are, without a doubt, a "ROCKSTAR MOM FRIEND".  You have kids, which pre-qualifies you for play dates with other moms.  Once they've peeked into your low standard, low effort world, they will be hooked.  Your gift to the mom universe is making everyone else feel a little bit better about themselves because they aren't quite as lazy as you are.  Way to make a difference girl!!  CHEERS and get ready for your phone to start blowing up with texts from your new besties!!!  

5 Technology "advances" that are actually making us dumber...

Technology has really changed the world.  For the most part, I think it's changed things for the better, however, there are a few technological advances that have made us dumber (or is it more dumb?).

1.  Car Back up cameras

I got a van (STOP JUDGING ME!  It's sweet!  It's like driving a living room!!) and it has a back up camera.  It's amazing.  You hardly even have to turn your head to back up, you just stare at the screen to make sure you don't run over anyone.  However, be advised, they do not always detect childrens bikes that might be laying on the ground behind your van.  Proceed with caution and RIP Huffy.

2.  Parking assist power buttons in cars

My van also has "parking assist".  In a nut shell, it starts beeping and flashing lights if you're going to back into something/someone.  Again, this one is amazing.  It's like the car basically drives itself.  However, BEWARE, the parking assist has a POWER button.

I had just finished picking up dry cleaning and was backing out of my spot.  I looked in my mirror and felt like the car behind me was a little close (especially since the mirror says objects are even closer than they appear).  I know I'm equipped with an idiot proof van so I keep going.  I hear (and feel) a thud as I hit the car behind me.  Despite this proof that I've hit something, I think, 'it can't be my car, I have parking assist'.  I literally backed into the car a SECOND time.  When the audible sound of car to car contact is repeated,  I start questioning the reliability of this life changing technology.  I look down curiously at the little button that is usually yellow and it appears to be "off".  I push the button, it turns yellow, and then starts sounding the "we have made contact!  it's a direct hit" alarm.  My response was obvious: "this thing has a power button?  Why would anyone ever want to shut it off?!!".  So, I literally backed into another car twice because I didn't hear the normal beeping sound from my car telling me to stop.  Don't judge…I know I'm not alone in this one.

3.  Pay at pump gas pumps

Kids these days don't even realize that people work at gas stations because most of them have never been inside of one.  They swipe their credit card, fill up the tank, and they're off before they can send a "GGTTYL" (getting gas, talk to you later) txt.

A teenager needed money for gas.  His dad said "Here's $20".  The son said "But that's not enough".  Dad replied "Well, it's all I have".  The son is still confused and says "But it takes more than $20 to fill it up".  The dad pauses, and says "Just stop it when you get to $20".  His eyes widen and he says "Wait, you can do that?!" *mind blown*  Parenting checklist: Teach your child to "let go"of the gas pump.

4.  GPS

"I drove into a lake because the GPS told me to" was one of my favorite Steve Carell lines on #theoffice.  This highlights a real epidemic in this country.  When you ask a computer to do something for you, we completely abandon our own ability to think.

We planned a trip and projected it would take 8 hours.  I punched it into GPS and immediately got irritated when it said 13 hours.  I say "John, it's 13 hours, we aren't going to SURVIVE!"  He explains "its only 8 hours.  The GPS isn't right."  I look at him like he's crazy but investigate anyway.  I flip through the settings and realize the "avoid tolls" setting is on.  My GPS was literally going to send me to CANADA to avoid tolls. #insanity

5.  Cell Phones

If you have a phone you literally don't need a brain.  It will do EVERYTHING for you!  It can take pictures, give directions, send text messages you ask it to type and research things on the web.  It coincidentally, doesn't have any resemblance to the "original" phone.  We rented a cabin this summer and it had an old school rotary phone.  My 5 year old looked at it with horror and said "WHAT.  IS.  THAT?"  I said "It's a phone".  She responds immediately "Where's the camera?"  Lord. Help. Me.  How did I let my kid live five years without ever laying her eyes on a land line??!!

I'm going to challenge myself to go old school with my kids on occasion.  Whether it's reading a map instead of asking Siri where we're going, reading a book instead of watching you Tube videos, or calling someone on our land line phone instead of face time.  We all know the easiest way to do things is almost NEVER the best way so I'm going to make my kids life a little harder…to make it a little better.

xoxo Meg (Tipsy Mommy)

My iMessage Life

Do you remember life before cell phones and Facebook? People used to actually talk to each other, people wrote stuff down so they wouldn't forget it and some people actually made scrapbooks of pictures so they could cherish them forever.

Reading through old text messages and FB posts is the 2016 equivalent of looking at your kids baby book or flipping through photo albums from college.  I decided to take a stroll down technology lane and unfortunately, these #parentingfail moments will live on forever….

1. Sammi is proof that the terrible twos last well into the threes.

2.  I suck at laundry.

 3.  Visual proof that I'm not qualified to parent unless alcohol is involved...

4.  File under "evidence to destroy if we apply to the gifted program at school".

5.  Third Kid Problems…

6.  You never know what you'll find in my van….

7.  Dear Jesus, I'm sorry.  I've failed you…

I think it's safe to say that I'm out of the running for "Mom of the Year" again this year…..do they still sell those flip phones that don't have wifi or cameras? I think I might be adding that to my birthday list this year….

Take a few minutes and figure out what people might find if they randomly check your phone…delete the bad stuff and have a good laugh about the funny stuff!

XOXO  Meg (Tipsy Mommy)

If you like this post, please stop by my blog and read some more!!

http://tipsymommy2.blogspot.com

2016 Pareting Trends?!?!

So, parenting trends are really a THING! People publish articles about this crap, people apparently read (and share) them and I guarantee they get PAID for them. My favorite list came from care.com. It predicts trends such as "the two nanny family", "downsized parenting" and "professor nannies" (is that like my 200 rule??). Do you see the trend here?  Parents doing less and asking others doing more. Well played nanny sourcing website.  

Apparently "helicopter parenting" is also on it's way out.  I'm actually calling BS on this one.  Helicopter parenting was gone-zo when they created wifi and smart phones. I would like to bring back some version helicopter parenting….maybe drone parenting? I can't stand the "illuminated parent" at the park. You know, the one whose face is illuminated by their smart phone screen the entire time and they have no clue what their kids are doing? I saw a kid fall off the playlet at the park. I went to let the parent know their child was crying and I actually got the universal "hold on a second, I'm on the phone" from an illuminated parent who was on the phone. Helicopter parenting? Not a chance. 

Enlightened parenting? WTF does that even mean? #leftswipe or is it #swipeleft? 

And last, by certainly not least…The Paleo, Gluten-Free Vegan Pet. I guess we'll have lots more time to cook healthy for our family AND our pets once we hire two professor nannies.  I demand the past ten minutes of my life back because that list is crap. 

Here's a much better list of 2016 parenting trends…

Parenting Dilemma #1: The mom/child trip to the grocery store.  

Let's be honest, it's a pain in the a%$ to take 3 little kids to Whole Foods. It takes longer to load those bastards in and out of their car seats then it takes me to actually purchase $100 worth of over priced organic processed foods.   

Parenting Solution: FaceTime Parenting

Materials Required: iPhone, duct tape and a dead bolt 

Optional Materials: A Mac computer streaming the latest shopkin video on NetFlix.

This is nothing short of brilliant. I think it's safe to say that Apple was thinking about this very situation when they invented FaceTime. You maintain constant contact with your children but can still zip off the store by yourself. Thanks Steve (and RIP).  

Parenting Dilemma #2: Swearing

I've been asked several times if I moonlight as a sailor because my language is horrific. Sammi enjoys the occassional f'inheimer now as well so I've got to dig deep and get this shit figured out.

Parenting Solution: TBD

Materials Required: New Mother

F*&%,  I'm screwed.

Parenting Dilemma #3: Bedtime Chaos

I think we can all relate to this one. There's a reason why that "Go the F&*# to Sleep" book has more copies sold than BabyWise. Why is it so hard? Before I had kids, I envisioned these precious little moments of giggling and throwing bubbles around the tub, smelling their sweet clean hair before putting on their freshly laundered jams. We'd read two stories and they would just nod off in the middle of the second story because they were so relaxed and happy and perfect. Instead, it's an all out war to get them in the tub, you do speed scrubbing on the critical areas. They're finally (sort of) clean and they scream AGAIN when it's time to get out because they want to play longer. You finally wrestle the wet, half clean/half dirty kid out, dry them with a towel that smells like it was left in the washer for four days (but put in the dryer anyway). I let go of them for two seconds to grab a pair of dirty/mismatched jams and the little f'er's escape (naked) down the hallway doing their "ha ha, you can't catch me" f'ing jingle. 

Parenting Solution:  Bedtime Babysitters 

Materials Required:  Cash and a Babysitter

I think care.com might be on to something.  If there's something you don't like (or you suck at it), have someone else do it for you!

Parenting Dilemma #4: The kid has a favorite parent


Me "Charli, what do you think mommy can do to help Sam not be so sad when daddy's gone?" She replies "well, for starters you could try to be fun". Excuse me?  Don't sugar coat it on my account!  Good lord! That one actually stung a little!

Parenting Solution:  Drinking

Materials Required: Alcohol (duh)

I admit, I really come out of my shell after a glass of wine and am often referred to as "the life of the party".  I think I'd have a lot more bedtime success if I let my kids see a little more of "bombed mom".  

Parenting Dilemma #5: Your co-parent is an idiot.

My husband never ceases to amaze me with his incompetence at bedtime. In a moment of weakness I agreed that he could put Sammi to bed. I sent her upstairs (with daddy) in her pajamas. After cleaning the kitchen, pouring some wine and making dinner, I turned on sammi's monitor, assuming I would find both of them asleep in the chair. Imagine my surprise when she is "surfing" on the ottoman wearing an Elsa costume, swim goggles and a sun hat while daddy sings "surfing USA". Am I being punked?!!!  The best (worst) part is that toys/costumes are not allowed in their rooms. Which means they actually went downstairs to get "props" for daddy wind down time. 

Parenting Solution:  New dad? Not an option. Current dad is too cute.

Back Up Solution:  Drinking

Materials Required: Alcohol (Duh)


I think we can all see the REAL 2016 parenting trend…..  The bottom line is this, if you're google searching "2016 parenting trends", you're over thinking things.  Treat your kids like an expensive wine….savor them, keep them safe, concentrate on them so you can see all their beautiful components, be patient and appreciate the changes that come with age, and be gentle with them so they don't lose their purity.  Once they're finally asleep, grab a REAL glass of wine (I prefer the expensive ones) and reflect on how lucky you are to be part of this crazy trend they call parenting.  It's one of the only trends that will never go out of style.

Bring it on 2016!

Happy New Year!!!  Time for overly aggressive resolutions that will make you feel like a lazy piece of poo by January 8th.  I don't have any expertise in "self help", however,  I know an over aggressive list when I see one.

Here's my 2016 list.  

I'd like to point out a few things that are pretty much indicative of how this is gonna end:

1) I changed the title from "resolutions" to "goals".  #commitmentissues
2) I had to clarify HOW to keep up with laundry for item 4.  If I need "directions" included with my goals, that's a real problem.
3) #6 isn't crossed out because it's been accomplished.  It's crossed out because that's the dumbest goal ever.

So I decided to throw out the damn list and do my own thing.  I decided 2016 is going to be the year that I make a list of things I'm NOT going to change.

1) Drink too much wine every once in awhile.  Because nights when you drink a little too much, drunk dial your parents, hug your bestie 42 times, take 312 selfies with friends (and strangers), and fall asleep in your "going out clothes" are good for your soul every once in a while.  And, for the record, I was NOT slurring….I was talking in cursive and I have photo evidence that the room really WAS spinning!

2) Judge people.  I think J.C. technically frowns upon this one but lets be honest, sometimes it's the right thing to do.  Case in point, this guy.  Apparently vanity plates don't have enough characters for "douchebag".

3) Be Funny.  If you can make someone laugh (the kind that makes a sound) every single day, then Life. Is. Good.

3) Photobomb. People take pictures non stop these days and I photobomb my a&* off.  This morning a chick was doing a selfie outside of a breakfast place.  I saw it coming, raced into the background and yelled "PHOTOBOMB!" She thought it was hilarious and I guarantee that shit is going to have at least 37 likes on Instagram today.  And lets be honest,  "likes" are really the only measure in life these days.


4) Micro-manage my husband.  This shit definitely needs to continue in 2016 and beyond.  The stuff that is obvious to 95% of the population, is completely foreign to my hubby.

So ring in this new year by focusing on the things you should keep exactly the same, instead of worrying about all the stuff you aren't doing quite right.

Wishing you loads of love and laughter in 2016!!!

xo Meg (Tipsy Mommy)