2016 Pareting Trends?!?!

So, parenting trends are really a THING! People publish articles about this crap, people apparently read (and share) them and I guarantee they get PAID for them. My favorite list came from care.com. It predicts trends such as "the two nanny family", "downsized parenting" and "professor nannies" (is that like my 200 rule??). Do you see the trend here?  Parents doing less and asking others doing more. Well played nanny sourcing website.  

Apparently "helicopter parenting" is also on it's way out.  I'm actually calling BS on this one.  Helicopter parenting was gone-zo when they created wifi and smart phones. I would like to bring back some version helicopter parenting….maybe drone parenting? I can't stand the "illuminated parent" at the park. You know, the one whose face is illuminated by their smart phone screen the entire time and they have no clue what their kids are doing? I saw a kid fall off the playlet at the park. I went to let the parent know their child was crying and I actually got the universal "hold on a second, I'm on the phone" from an illuminated parent who was on the phone. Helicopter parenting? Not a chance. 

Enlightened parenting? WTF does that even mean? #leftswipe or is it #swipeleft? 

And last, by certainly not least…The Paleo, Gluten-Free Vegan Pet. I guess we'll have lots more time to cook healthy for our family AND our pets once we hire two professor nannies.  I demand the past ten minutes of my life back because that list is crap. 

Here's a much better list of 2016 parenting trends…

Parenting Dilemma #1: The mom/child trip to the grocery store.  

Let's be honest, it's a pain in the a%$ to take 3 little kids to Whole Foods. It takes longer to load those bastards in and out of their car seats then it takes me to actually purchase $100 worth of over priced organic processed foods.   

Parenting Solution: FaceTime Parenting

Materials Required: iPhone, duct tape and a dead bolt 

Optional Materials: A Mac computer streaming the latest shopkin video on NetFlix.

This is nothing short of brilliant. I think it's safe to say that Apple was thinking about this very situation when they invented FaceTime. You maintain constant contact with your children but can still zip off the store by yourself. Thanks Steve (and RIP).  

Parenting Dilemma #2: Swearing

I've been asked several times if I moonlight as a sailor because my language is horrific. Sammi enjoys the occassional f'inheimer now as well so I've got to dig deep and get this shit figured out.

Parenting Solution: TBD

Materials Required: New Mother

F*&%,  I'm screwed.

Parenting Dilemma #3: Bedtime Chaos

I think we can all relate to this one. There's a reason why that "Go the F&*# to Sleep" book has more copies sold than BabyWise. Why is it so hard? Before I had kids, I envisioned these precious little moments of giggling and throwing bubbles around the tub, smelling their sweet clean hair before putting on their freshly laundered jams. We'd read two stories and they would just nod off in the middle of the second story because they were so relaxed and happy and perfect. Instead, it's an all out war to get them in the tub, you do speed scrubbing on the critical areas. They're finally (sort of) clean and they scream AGAIN when it's time to get out because they want to play longer. You finally wrestle the wet, half clean/half dirty kid out, dry them with a towel that smells like it was left in the washer for four days (but put in the dryer anyway). I let go of them for two seconds to grab a pair of dirty/mismatched jams and the little f'er's escape (naked) down the hallway doing their "ha ha, you can't catch me" f'ing jingle. 

Parenting Solution:  Bedtime Babysitters 

Materials Required:  Cash and a Babysitter

I think care.com might be on to something.  If there's something you don't like (or you suck at it), have someone else do it for you!

Parenting Dilemma #4: The kid has a favorite parent


Me "Charli, what do you think mommy can do to help Sam not be so sad when daddy's gone?" She replies "well, for starters you could try to be fun". Excuse me?  Don't sugar coat it on my account!  Good lord! That one actually stung a little!

Parenting Solution:  Drinking

Materials Required: Alcohol (duh)

I admit, I really come out of my shell after a glass of wine and am often referred to as "the life of the party".  I think I'd have a lot more bedtime success if I let my kids see a little more of "bombed mom".  

Parenting Dilemma #5: Your co-parent is an idiot.

My husband never ceases to amaze me with his incompetence at bedtime. In a moment of weakness I agreed that he could put Sammi to bed. I sent her upstairs (with daddy) in her pajamas. After cleaning the kitchen, pouring some wine and making dinner, I turned on sammi's monitor, assuming I would find both of them asleep in the chair. Imagine my surprise when she is "surfing" on the ottoman wearing an Elsa costume, swim goggles and a sun hat while daddy sings "surfing USA". Am I being punked?!!!  The best (worst) part is that toys/costumes are not allowed in their rooms. Which means they actually went downstairs to get "props" for daddy wind down time. 

Parenting Solution:  New dad? Not an option. Current dad is too cute.

Back Up Solution:  Drinking

Materials Required: Alcohol (Duh)


I think we can all see the REAL 2016 parenting trend…..  The bottom line is this, if you're google searching "2016 parenting trends", you're over thinking things.  Treat your kids like an expensive wine….savor them, keep them safe, concentrate on them so you can see all their beautiful components, be patient and appreciate the changes that come with age, and be gentle with them so they don't lose their purity.  Once they're finally asleep, grab a REAL glass of wine (I prefer the expensive ones) and reflect on how lucky you are to be part of this crazy trend they call parenting.  It's one of the only trends that will never go out of style.