Hoarding….it's a real thing...

That's it.  I'm getting off the "highway to hoarding" today.  I want a clutter free, sparkly clean house.  I wanted to blame my husband and kids for our massive quantities of clutter but I realized that I am the clean house #dreamblocker.

I took an inventory of the shit in my house and found a theme.  It all revolves around things I can't seem to throw away.  Here are the top 10 things I need to stop "saving" if I ever want a clean house.

1. "Non-Toy" Toys

For reasons I can't quite figure out, "non-toy" toys are most commonly repurposed as bath toys in my house.  These are things like empty shampoo bottles, sippy cups with missing parts, plastic water bottles with missing straws (seriously, those straws are harder to keep track of than sock 2 of 2), old measuring cups, and every single happy meal toy we've ever gotten. (Yes, I let my kids eat McD's on occasion.  Stop judging).  Oh, and we have a shit load of "real" bath toys too.  It's official.  I'm going to be buried alive in repurposed BPA free plastic.

2.  "Art"

I use this term loosely because I have toddlers.  I find myself saying "oh, look, his first scribble!  I have to save it!"  or "Oh!  Look, she 'wrote' her name!"  I can't identify a single letter on the page, yet I feel compelled to save it.  There is some weird mom guilt attached to stuff that our kids have created but this crap needs to stop!

3.  Magazines

Look.  I know US Weekly only comes weekly and you think you're going to read it some night after the kids go to bed.  But it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  And you're not going to remember to grab all 16 back issues and read them the next time you go on an adult only tropical vacation (which, to be honest, probably isn't happening either).

4.  Books

See #3 for reference.  And these things are even bigger.  No. F'ing. Way.

5.  Instruction booklets

When is the last time you said "Oooh….I'm trying to figure out how to turn on my microwave.  Let me go fetch my tub 'o manuals and figure out how to do that".  Pitch them immediately.  In the unlikely event that you actually need them, they can most certainly be located on the world wide web.

6.  Luggage

I know, this seems strange but I can't be alone on this one.  I have six suitcases and countless duffel bags.  When is the last time you went on a trip that required six suitcases?  Never?  Yeah, me neither.  Bye bye bags!

7.  Shoes and Handbags

What?!  Are you fucking crazy?  You can NEVER have too many of these things and there's no way in hell I will EVER throw any of them away.  Period.

8.  Flatware/Cutlery

I actually wrote "organize flatware" as a goal for 2016.  This is the kind of shit you write down when you are a stay at home mom.  It's awful.  At any rate, we got beautiful new flatware for our wedding but I "saved" the flatware that John and I had before we were married.  You know, on the off chance that I'm hosting 106 people for dinner sometime.  Don't walk, RUN to goodwill with this crap you f'ing hoarder!!

9.  Orphan socks

Everyone has that basket of socks with no mates.  When we moved to cincy I should have been smart enough to just throw the orphan socks away but I actually put them in a box and freeking moved them. I'm a failure as a wife and mother.

10.  Broken crayons and dried out markers

I don't even want to take responsibility for this one.  We have smart phones and cars that self park but no one has bothered to make a cap free marker or an unbreakable crayon?  I'm calling BS on that one.


Go forth and declutter!  And try to remember that LESS is MORE….except when it comes to shoes, handbags and wine, of course.

XOXO Tipsy Mommy

F*&k You Zuckerberg….

I admit it.  I have a total love/hate relationship with Facebook.  Damn you Mark Zuckerburg and your brilliant illusion about keeping us "connected" even though we haven't had a conversation in 10 years (or ever, in some cases).   I can't stand Facebook (but can't quit it either…). Here are the top reasons Facebook turns me into that psycho bitch….

1.  "Seen" notification on FB Messenger-  Let me get this straight, you decided it would be a good idea to tell people when a message they sent has been seen? I guess this could be an innocent feature but it becomes a PROBLEM is when people don't respond.  Now you KNOW they saw it and you spend the rest of your night trying to figure out why they read it but didn't respond.  

2.  "People you may know".  Ok Zuckerburg.  When you get back from your over-publicized paternity leave, I have a bone to pick with you about this one.  I've been accused of being "obnoxious" in the past and let's just say my friend number "fluctuates".  About 95% of the time, I figure out that I was unfriended because you suggest a former friend as "someone I might know".  Of course I know them, you asshole, I was "friends" with them.  Stop making me feel like a loser!  This is also how my nephew got busted having a FB page after his mom specifically told him he couldn't.  Oh how you love to stir the pot… 

3.  "Friends".  I think we can all agree that a FB friend is no where near a real "friend".  Let's all agree that "FB acquaintance" is a lot more transparent.  

4. "Like".  Ok, the like part itself isn't passive aggressive but the radio silence (i.e NOT "liking") is SUPER passive aggressive.  I waste hours wondering why my "friend" didn't "like" my post but liked 14 other ones.  Fuck you FB and the way you make me a #stalker.

5. "Block".  Ok, this is quite possibly the winner in our test.  You don't send me any kind of notification that I've been blocked but it's super obvious when the asshole gets suggested as someone I might know.  

6. "Hide" I can't even complain about this one.  I have two FB friends who I maintain my digital relationship for the sole purpose of making fun of their posts to my sister and my friend Jessica.  I'm going to hell.  Sorry, I'm not sorry.

7. FB Lingo/Hashtags/Emojicons-  These millenials are starting to think this whole FB thing is real life.  They never type a full word, let alone a complete sentence, they audibly say "hashtag" and they're all going to have carpel tunnel by the time they're 27.

8. Friend Count- Ok, I don't need to be reminded that I only have 212 friends and 56 of them have never ever liked anything I've posted. 

9.  Suggested Ads- That's it.  You guys are assholes.  No I don't need Spanx, viagra, or botox.  Get out of my house!

10.  Candy Crush Saga- NO I don't want to play candy crush saga and why are 50 year old people doing this in the middle of the day?  Don't firewalls block that sort of shit from happening at work?

It's official. I'm going to consciously uncouple from FaceBook…tomorrow….maybe.

xoxo Tipsy Mommy

The Allergy "Don't" List...

Allergies have become all too common with children these days.  My child has severe food allergies and if you want to help her, there aren't things I want you to do.  There are things I want you to stop.

1.  Please don't tell my daughter her life is hard.  She has food allergies, not cancer.  She's one of the luckiest girls in the world and I will never let her use allergies as a crutch.  The biggest challenge with food allergies are the people who don't "believe" them. They roll their eyes and act like you're hypochondriac allergy mom.  These people are the single biggest risk to my allergy child.  I beg you.  Do NOT be that person.  So, instead of telling her that you feel sorry for her, tell her you'll help protect her.  Tell her you understand allergies are serious and you will be a grown up she can trust to help keep her safe.  And then do that.

2.  Please don't ask me what she's allergic to.  Ask her.  One of the best things you can do for a child is empower them.   She's our first line of defense in allergy warfare and teaching her to communicate about her allergies is critical.  She's allergic to 15 things and she can tell you every single one of them.  If she hasn't been to your house, she'll ask you to read the soap label for her to confirm it doesn't have milk or tree nuts (a lot of them do!).  She knows that casein is actually considered dairy and that only some of the Annies products are safe because some are manufactured on the same line as eggs.  You think a 5 year old can't advocate for their own safety?  I disagree.

3.  Please don't tell me "she'll probably outgrow" them.  It's true.  Most kids outgrow allergies.  In Charli's case, her numbers continue to rise which decreases the likelihood of her outgrowing them.  I'm not going to let her think they're going to go away, because there's a chance they won't.

4.  Please don't bitch about having nut free schools or having to refrain from eating peanuts when you're on a flight with her.  You know why?  Cuz it makes you an ass, that's why.

5.  Please don't give her anything to eat (EVEN IF I TOLD YOU IT WAS SAFE) without asking her if she has her EPI pen.  There are stories all the time about kids dying from allergic reactions.  A large portion of these deaths could be prevented if the allergy child had been given epinephrine.  So, if she doesn't have it, you CANNOT feed her.

6.  Please don't treat her like she's special….for this.  She IS special, for a million reasons other than her allergies.  She doesn't need you to make special treats for your kids birthday party.  The world isn't going to accommodate her allergies so you don't need to either.  She needs to realize that she's not like other kids.  She can't eat the cake at birthday parties, she can't have cookies at the grocery store, and she needs to wash her hands every single time she puts them in her mouth.  She needs to realize that in life you need to be prepared.  When she goes to a party, she needs to bring food that is safe for her to eat and that's OK.

I know some allergy parents will disagree with me on these things.  Some allergy parents want allergy free schools, nut free bakeries, and a load of other special accommodations.  But that's not teaching our kids about the way life works.  I think all schools should have epi pens on hand because they can save a kids life.  I think schools should have nut free zones because it's an easy enough thing to do and it could save a child's life.  I think we should educate people about allergies and how they can keep kids safe.  I think we should focus on finding a cure for allergies because life would be easier without them. But we can't insist on everyone considering our allergy kids as much as we, their parents, do. 

Allergies are a challenge.  Allergies are scary.  But allergies are just one of the many challenges my child will face in life.  The best thing we can do for our allergy kids is to empower them.  To believe them.  And to help keep them safe.  Not by putting them in a bubble, or adapting the entire world to their needs.  We keep them safe by teaching them to navigate in an unsafe world.  By teaching them to be prepared. Teaching them to communicate. And teaching them to TRUST THEMSELVES above anyone else. And teaching them to stab someone with their EPI who says allergies are fake. Ok, you're right, let's not teach them that. 

Xoxo. Tipsy mommy 

The Top 6 Reasons I'm Never Getting a Job....

Being a stay at home mom is hard but it does come with a few perks.  Here are a few things you can only do at "work" when you're a stay at home mom.

1.  Swearing/yelling at subordinates

Swearing is encouraged in the stay at home mom ranks.  Every day I tell myself I'm not going to lose my patience but I'm cussing like a sailor through gritted teeth by 9 am.   And it's ALWAYS related to getting kids in the van so we can get to school on time.  It starts with me patiently asking them to get in the van.  After 6 minutes, I'm white knuckled and yelling through gritted teeth "GET IN THE F$#*ING VAN!"  

2. Inappropriate Contact with Subordinates

Truthfully, I'm not a spanker.  Most of them time I'm disciplining my kids because they hit/bite/push their sibling(s) and it just doesn't seem right to respond to that with spanking.  I envision that process playing out like this….  "Get over here you little f*$%er!  *spanking* We do NOT hit in this house!".  It just doesn't seem effective to me.

However, I do resort to the use of force when the baby pulls that "arched back to avoid the car seat" move.  That sh*t sends me into orbit!  You're TWO!  I'm NOT two!  I'm gonna kick your a#% in the arched back battle!!

3.  Promptness

I'm proud to say that I'm habitually on time.  I will pull out of the driveway with my kids still rolling around the back seat in order to get somewhere on time.  It's a huge #petpeeve of mine when my "peers" are late.  I know that kids take extra time.  But, guess what, I'm pretty sure you knew you had kids when you woke up this morning.  Maybe you should go ahead and allow extra time to get them "situated" so you can show up somewhere on time. #beinglateisplanned

4.  Sleeping with your subordinates.

Think about it.  You know I'm right on this one.  Btw, I'm NOT talking about your kids here.  I'm talking about your spouse/partner/co-parent because we all know that stay at home moms are the real deal boss of every household.  #Momboss

5.  Dress Code

There are two employers that allows yoga gear every day of the year.  A yoga studio and your house.

6.  Drinking
The late afternoon playdate is the equivalent of a "think tank" at work.  Where you share ides (i.e bitch about your husbands) and talk about activities for the week.  You vent about the trials of potty training, mean girls in preschool (YES, it starts that early), and (sort of) punch out for an hour while your toddlers self police.  The only difference here is the alcohol….but, you know I'm not going to hold THAT against anyone. 

So, maybe there's a few "perks" to the SAHM mom gig that don't fly in the corporate world but no one views this thing as a cake walk.  There are also all nighters with sick kids, daily discussions about bodily fluids, cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework, and activity shuttling that make this a 24/7 commitment.  SAHM's rarely get to think about themselves because their brains are full with what they're doing for everyone else in the house.  But that cheesy statement about it being the most rewarding unpaid job you'll ever do is so true.  So somewhere in between the diaper changes, impromptu dance parties, kissed boo boo's, unexpected belly laughs, and predictable temper tantrums, remember how important your "job" is and that no one else in this world can do it as well as you.  Oh, and celebrate yourself with some vino after bedtime.  

 xoxo Tipsy Mommy