I admit it. I have a total love/hate relationship with Facebook. Damn you Mark Zuckerburg and your brilliant illusion about keeping us "connected" even though we haven't had a conversation in 10 years (or ever, in some cases). I can't stand Facebook (but can't quit it either…). Here are the top reasons Facebook turns me into that psycho bitch….
1. "Seen" notification on FB Messenger- Let me get this straight, you decided it would be a good idea to tell people when a message they sent has been seen? I guess this could be an innocent feature but it becomes a PROBLEM is when people don't respond. Now you KNOW they saw it and you spend the rest of your night trying to figure out why they read it but didn't respond.
2. "People you may know". Ok Zuckerburg. When you get back from your over-publicized paternity leave, I have a bone to pick with you about this one. I've been accused of being "obnoxious" in the past and let's just say my friend number "fluctuates". About 95% of the time, I figure out that I was unfriended because you suggest a former friend as "someone I might know". Of course I know them, you asshole, I was "friends" with them. Stop making me feel like a loser! This is also how my nephew got busted having a FB page after his mom specifically told him he couldn't. Oh how you love to stir the pot…
3. "Friends". I think we can all agree that a FB friend is no where near a real "friend". Let's all agree that "FB acquaintance" is a lot more transparent.
4. "Like". Ok, the like part itself isn't passive aggressive but the radio silence (i.e NOT "liking") is SUPER passive aggressive. I waste hours wondering why my "friend" didn't "like" my post but liked 14 other ones. Fuck you FB and the way you make me a #stalker.
5. "Block". Ok, this is quite possibly the winner in our test. You don't send me any kind of notification that I've been blocked but it's super obvious when the asshole gets suggested as someone I might know.
6. "Hide" I can't even complain about this one. I have two FB friends who I maintain my digital relationship for the sole purpose of making fun of their posts to my sister and my friend Jessica. I'm going to hell. Sorry, I'm not sorry.
7. FB Lingo/Hashtags/Emojicons- These millenials are starting to think this whole FB thing is real life. They never type a full word, let alone a complete sentence, they audibly say "hashtag" and they're all going to have carpel tunnel by the time they're 27.
8. Friend Count- Ok, I don't need to be reminded that I only have 212 friends and 56 of them have never ever liked anything I've posted.
9. Suggested Ads- That's it. You guys are assholes. No I don't need Spanx, viagra, or botox. Get out of my house!
10. Candy Crush Saga- NO I don't want to play candy crush saga and why are 50 year old people doing this in the middle of the day? Don't firewalls block that sort of shit from happening at work?
It's official. I'm going to consciously uncouple from FaceBook…tomorrow….maybe.
xoxo Tipsy Mommy
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