Goodnight little house…goodnight mouse….

I can't figure out a good intro for this blog.  So here goes.  I HAVE A FUCKING MOUSE IN MY MOTHER FUCKING VAN.

I had a million errands to do, including getting my oil changed in the van.  The appointment was supposed to take an hour but actually took two hours and they didn't even wash the car!!  Is this how that other half lives??!

Anyway, I vacuum my van every Monday morning but by Tuesday afternoon it looks like we've been living in it for 3 weeks.  It was a Wednesday and I had family coming into town so I decided to wash and vacuum it again.  While I was picking up "debris", I found a piece of chocolate that looked like someone(thing) had gnawed the edges.  I immediately knew a critter must have been in my van because a half eaten piece of chococlate just doesn't exist with my kids.   

I start vacuuming and find mouse shit on the floor of the van.   I immediately did the heebee jeebee high step like Clark Griswold when he figures out that Aunt Edna died in his station wagon. I can hardly bring myself to keep vacuuming, even though sucking that fucker in the shop vac is probably best case scenario.  I force myself to keep vacuuming because the thought of animal feces in my van is almost as horrifying as having a rodent in there.  I finish and have to drive the mouse mobile to pick the girls up at school.  I rolled down all the windows for the ride.  I realize this makes no sense but it made me feel a little less claustrophobic.  I kept waiting for the little shit to spontaneously appear on my steering wheel and hiss at me with his teeth and claws exposed for battle.

I get home and google "rodents in vans".

I get tons of hits and realize I'm not the only person who has experienced this problem.  There are multiple lists of "37 simple steps to get a rodent(s) out of your car".  Here are the highlights.

1.  "Remove rodent hiding-places next to your car. Cut down shrubbery and vines."

Hold on…is "cutting down the forest next to my garage" really a feasible option for people??!!

2.  "Remove food sources from car…"

You're basically asking me to get rid of my children.  I could probably be convinced but my husband will veto that shit in a heartbeat.

3.  "Park with the hood up so the rodent doesn't have a dark place to hide"

This might be an option…if I actually knew how to open it.

4.  "Use traps. Baits risk poisoning."

Are you a fucking moron?  I could care less if this fucker gets poisoned!  I'm actually willing to risk poisoning my kid to guarantee that this thing isn't going to fly across my dash on I-71.

5.  "Use strong-smelling substances such as powdered fox urine, used cat litter, cat hair, Pine-Sol, Irish Spring soap, and red pepper."

First of all, Irish Spring soap users across the world should be outraged.  Secondly, how the fuck do you "powder" fox urine?  I mean, is that a thing?  Used cat litter?  I. Have. No. Words.

6.  "Use electronic deterrent devices. Some have had success with ultrasound devices, others swear by the strobe-light-emitting 'mouse blocker'.”

Wait, a strobe light in my van?  I can't decide if I'm more likely to find one of those at Spencer's or Home Depot.  And WTF is an ultra sound machine?  If the mouse can tolerate the sound of my kids losing their ever living minds because the hot spot on their iPad isn't working, then I don't think this ultra sound situation is going to work.  

I settle for a thorough interior detail at the Toyota dealership and tell them I'll slip them an extra c note if they can bring me the carcus of the mouse when they're finished.  If they fail at their apprehension mission, I'm going to try to convince my husband that a new van is going to way less painful than listening to me bitch about driving around a rodent infested swagger wagon. 
Wish me luck and pour me a double, please. 

xoxo,

Tipsy Mommy 

I hate you summer...

Here are the top reasons my family might not survive summer.

1.  Mommy has to wear a swimsuit.

I "kept that shit tight" after my 1st and 2nd kids.  The girls nursed like champs so I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't have to work too hard in the gym.  And then "the baby" came along.  The extra pounds from baby #3 are like a stage 5 cling on.  I skated through last summer in a bikini because I never took off my cover up.  However, since all of these lunatics are going to want some water action this summer, I actually have to get in the water (but I REFUSE to get my hair wet).  I tried on my bikini to see what I was up against.  I thought I might be able to whip myself into shape by only consuming celery and wine for the next 6 weeks but I don't think it's gonna happen.  So….I'm officially in the market for a one piece.  There are only a couple options….the Miracle Suit or some sort of skirted situation. We all know you can't go the skirt route until your late 50's, so the Miracle Suit was the winner.

I ordered a few online so I could try them in the privacy of my dimly lit, super slanted full length mirror (you know, exactly like it will be at the pool this summer).  I have to admit, its pretty amazing how much better I look with a little ruching and a shit ton compression in the gut area.  But I'm totally gonna be pissing in the pool because there is NO WAY I'm gonna be able to get that thing off when it's wet.  #whyisthewateralwayswarmbymeg?

2.  SPF 900

I can describe my summer self in three words.  Pale, freckles, redhead.  I got the triple whammy in the alabaster curse.   There is no "tan mom" in this house.  I alternate between Elmers Paste and Red Lobster Glow.  The 10,000 freckles I have are the icing on this uber white cake.

3.  White Pants

We all want to wear white pants.  You probably think white goes with EVERYTHING but that's not true.  It goes with everything EXCEPT cellulite.   To make matters worse,  there is some unwritten rule about white pants being made out of the thinnest fabric on the planet.  I'm accepting my fate.  Black is the new white for this girl.

4.  No School

This one shouldn't even require discussion.  No school means the kids are NOT AT SCHOOL.  Which means they are WITH ME.  And that sucks.  Why don't they call it "summer work"?  Because there is no break happening in my house until those fuckers climb back on the bus in August.

5.  Hot Cars, Hot Kids, Hot Everything

You might have forgotten the dirty little secret about summer…it's hotter than satan's armpit.   I find myself thinking, "Oooh!  It's summer!  I can't wait to burn my bare legs on boiling leather seats and hear my kids throw a shit fit about getting in the car because it feels like the f'ing equator in there."

But summer is coming, whether or like it not.  So, I'm going to enjoy the last few weeks of weather that  still requires 90% of my body to be covered by clothing.  Once summer hits, I'm going focus on beating the heat with a joint team of miracle suits and frozen drinks with umbrellas in them.  Who's in?!?!

Cheers!

XOXO
Tipsy Mommy

The Buckle Battle...

I had three kids in three and a half years.  My oldest is (almost) five and a half.  I cherish my kids.  I know I'm lucky to have them because so many people try to conceive/adopt/etc but aren't able to…blah blah blah.  But sometimes being a parent sucks.  But not at the times when you think.  When they're sick it's hard, but it feels so good to be able to comfort them, cuddle them, and "mom" them.  When they're naughty it's hard, but those will be the things we will laugh about in 20 years.  The parenting annoyances at this stage come from one thing.   Car seats.

Can the world please be a f'ing drive thru?  I want to drive thru for everything.  Coffee, lunch, dinner, wine…everything.  It literally takes me 15 minutes to get these bastards situated in my car.  FIF TEEN MIN UTES.  And that's assuming everyone is in a good mood which we know NEVER happens.

Here are top five reasons that car seats are ruining my life.

1.  Buh bye coffee runs

You don't realize that each drink takes approximately 58 seconds for a barista to make, UNLESS you're standing in a line of 10 people with your three toddlers.  And I would like to thank Mr. Starbucks for strategically placing the incredibly over priced "snacks" at prime "toddler level" in line.   It would literally cost me $17.67 per day if I lugged these little shits into Starbucks every morning.  And it would take 31 minutes.  Thanks, but no thanks.

2.  Airplane Travel

Ok, I'm not even THINKING about actually lugging those things on the plane so my kids can sit in them, but they still f'ing ruin airline travel.  Car seats basically add 14 steps to airline travel. You have to take them out of your car once you get them into the airport, put them in bags (#germphobe), lug them into baggage drop, and then repeat the ENTIRE process once you arrive at your destination.  The alternative is that you could spend $20 per day, per seat to rent the germ infested ones that don't come with a manual but are NOTHING like the ones you have at home, thus taking EVEN LONGER to install. Let me think…NO!

3.  Germphobe

The only thing worse than installing car seats is cleaning them.  Every time I do it, I find a food item that has been there so long it's literally beyond the point of recognition.  I convince myself it's just an old graham cracker but there's a good chance that it's actually a piece of turkey that has been transformed.  Remind me to start a car seat detailing business when I'm done with the whole parenting thing.

4.  The Arched F'ing Back Move

I agree, this isn't technically the car seats fault, but I don't feel like this shit goes down in the "post car seat" years.   These episodes prove that toddlers actually have super sonic strength.  I feel like they could literally move my van with their torso.  There is only one thing that can defeat the toddler back arch….an adult knee to the f'ing gut.  Truthfully, I've never done this but I'm telling ya, it's been a close call on a couple of occasions.

5.  Independence

That moment when they decide they want to start buckling on their own.  Lord Jesus.  Believe me, I can defeat there arched back moves in WAY LESS time than it takes three toddlers to buckle themselves.  And the arched back move has a lot less risk of the super time consuming "my finner got pinched by the buckle!" scenarios.

In the grand scheme of things, even though this is sky high on the "shit that annoys mom" list right now, it will be a distant memory before I know it.  So, I'm going to cherish the parenting moments that melt my heart and TRY not to wish time away when it feels hard (because "they're only little once").  And I'll continue to use those damn car seats as my excuse to have a glass wine after the little shits are tucked in their beds….

XOXO
Tipsy Mommy