I hate you summer...

Here are the top reasons my family might not survive summer.

1.  Mommy has to wear a swimsuit.

I "kept that shit tight" after my 1st and 2nd kids.  The girls nursed like champs so I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't have to work too hard in the gym.  And then "the baby" came along.  The extra pounds from baby #3 are like a stage 5 cling on.  I skated through last summer in a bikini because I never took off my cover up.  However, since all of these lunatics are going to want some water action this summer, I actually have to get in the water (but I REFUSE to get my hair wet).  I tried on my bikini to see what I was up against.  I thought I might be able to whip myself into shape by only consuming celery and wine for the next 6 weeks but I don't think it's gonna happen.  So….I'm officially in the market for a one piece.  There are only a couple options….the Miracle Suit or some sort of skirted situation. We all know you can't go the skirt route until your late 50's, so the Miracle Suit was the winner.

I ordered a few online so I could try them in the privacy of my dimly lit, super slanted full length mirror (you know, exactly like it will be at the pool this summer).  I have to admit, its pretty amazing how much better I look with a little ruching and a shit ton compression in the gut area.  But I'm totally gonna be pissing in the pool because there is NO WAY I'm gonna be able to get that thing off when it's wet.  #whyisthewateralwayswarmbymeg?

2.  SPF 900

I can describe my summer self in three words.  Pale, freckles, redhead.  I got the triple whammy in the alabaster curse.   There is no "tan mom" in this house.  I alternate between Elmers Paste and Red Lobster Glow.  The 10,000 freckles I have are the icing on this uber white cake.

3.  White Pants

We all want to wear white pants.  You probably think white goes with EVERYTHING but that's not true.  It goes with everything EXCEPT cellulite.   To make matters worse,  there is some unwritten rule about white pants being made out of the thinnest fabric on the planet.  I'm accepting my fate.  Black is the new white for this girl.

4.  No School

This one shouldn't even require discussion.  No school means the kids are NOT AT SCHOOL.  Which means they are WITH ME.  And that sucks.  Why don't they call it "summer work"?  Because there is no break happening in my house until those fuckers climb back on the bus in August.

5.  Hot Cars, Hot Kids, Hot Everything

You might have forgotten the dirty little secret about summer…it's hotter than satan's armpit.   I find myself thinking, "Oooh!  It's summer!  I can't wait to burn my bare legs on boiling leather seats and hear my kids throw a shit fit about getting in the car because it feels like the f'ing equator in there."

But summer is coming, whether or like it not.  So, I'm going to enjoy the last few weeks of weather that  still requires 90% of my body to be covered by clothing.  Once summer hits, I'm going focus on beating the heat with a joint team of miracle suits and frozen drinks with umbrellas in them.  Who's in?!?!

Cheers!

XOXO
Tipsy Mommy