I had three kids in three and a half years. My oldest is (almost) five and a half. I cherish my kids. I know I'm lucky to have them because so many people try to conceive/adopt/etc but aren't able to…blah blah blah. But sometimes being a parent sucks. But not at the times when you think. When they're sick it's hard, but it feels so good to be able to comfort them, cuddle them, and "mom" them. When they're naughty it's hard, but those will be the things we will laugh about in 20 years. The parenting annoyances at this stage come from one thing. Car seats.
Can the world please be a f'ing drive thru? I want to drive thru for everything. Coffee, lunch, dinner, wine…everything. It literally takes me 15 minutes to get these bastards situated in my car. FIF TEEN MIN UTES. And that's assuming everyone is in a good mood which we know NEVER happens.
Here are top five reasons that car seats are ruining my life.
1. Buh bye coffee runs
You don't realize that each drink takes approximately 58 seconds for a barista to make, UNLESS you're standing in a line of 10 people with your three toddlers. And I would like to thank Mr. Starbucks for strategically placing the incredibly over priced "snacks" at prime "toddler level" in line. It would literally cost me $17.67 per day if I lugged these little shits into Starbucks every morning. And it would take 31 minutes. Thanks, but no thanks.
2. Airplane Travel
Ok, I'm not even THINKING about actually lugging those things on the plane so my kids can sit in them, but they still f'ing ruin airline travel. Car seats basically add 14 steps to airline travel. You have to take them out of your car once you get them into the airport, put them in bags (#germphobe), lug them into baggage drop, and then repeat the ENTIRE process once you arrive at your destination. The alternative is that you could spend $20 per day, per seat to rent the germ infested ones that don't come with a manual but are NOTHING like the ones you have at home, thus taking EVEN LONGER to install. Let me think…NO!
3. Germphobe
The only thing worse than installing car seats is cleaning them. Every time I do it, I find a food item that has been there so long it's literally beyond the point of recognition. I convince myself it's just an old graham cracker but there's a good chance that it's actually a piece of turkey that has been transformed. Remind me to start a car seat detailing business when I'm done with the whole parenting thing.
4. The Arched F'ing Back Move
I agree, this isn't technically the car seats fault, but I don't feel like this shit goes down in the "post car seat" years. These episodes prove that toddlers actually have super sonic strength. I feel like they could literally move my van with their torso. There is only one thing that can defeat the toddler back arch….an adult knee to the f'ing gut. Truthfully, I've never done this but I'm telling ya, it's been a close call on a couple of occasions.
5. Independence
That moment when they decide they want to start buckling on their own. Lord Jesus. Believe me, I can defeat there arched back moves in WAY LESS time than it takes three toddlers to buckle themselves. And the arched back move has a lot less risk of the super time consuming "my finner got pinched by the buckle!" scenarios.
In the grand scheme of things, even though this is sky high on the "shit that annoys mom" list right now, it will be a distant memory before I know it. So, I'm going to cherish the parenting moments that melt my heart and TRY not to wish time away when it feels hard (because "they're only little once"). And I'll continue to use those damn car seats as my excuse to have a glass wine after the little shits are tucked in their beds….
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
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