SAHM seeks SAHM for drinking and playdates….(in that order)

It's been awhile…I mean, a LONG while.  So, here's what has happened since my last blog.  I had ANOTHER kid (yes I'm serious.  However, we finally figured out how it happens so this is the last one) and we moved to a new city.  Oh, and I quit my "sort of real job" to be a stay at home mom.  Other than every single aspect of my life changing, things are pretty status quo for me.

Moving is SCARY!!  It's hard to think about leaving your entire support system and having to start all over.  Ok, I admit, I didn't lose my ENTIRE support system.  Our nanny moved with us which pretty much confirms that she's either overpaid or has the hots for my husband.  I knew I never should have waived my nanny "200 rule" (age plus weight must be at least 200).   Anyway, we'll see how that plays out over the next five years.  Wish me luck.

We moved to Cincinnati.  For those of you who might not know, it's in OHIO.  I'll blog more about that later.

Now that I'm stay at home mom, I have a question…..Why are moms so freeking competitive?  They say "my kid is so gifted"  "My kid is such a great eater" "She can speak two languages already" (one of which is always FRENCH as if you can do anything with French other than order a freeking baguette at au bon pain) blah blah blah.  I'm looking for those moms who want to win the "my kid is a bigger bitch than your kid" or "my kids going to be on a higher dose of ritalyn by age 4 than your kid" contest.  I mean, I can't be the only one who has a two year old who has bitch slapped both a 2 month old and a 90 year old.  No ageists in this house.

I started to think maybe I was revealing too much too soon, you know, the same pitfall when you're doing "real" dating.  So I started thinking about the sort of stories I should probably save for the second or third "mom date" …let me know what you think..

1) The one about how my 2 year old bites or hits her brother EVERY SINGLE DAY.  When she gets in trouble she just laughs and says "He tough".  I started taking away her blanket when she is rough with the baby.  She loves that thing more than the feeling of newborn flesh between her teeth so I thought for sure that was going to work like a charm!  And for the first couple times, it did.  But then, boy, that shit backfired.  The other day she said "mama.  blankee" and handed it to me.  Then she walked over and cold clocked her brother.

2) My four year old is a freeking parrot.  You'll think she's totally engrossed in Dora because she doesn't respond to a single question you ask her so you go ahead and give your sister a blow by blow of everything going on in your life without worrying about S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G any of the naughty words.  Then you drop her off at pre school the next day and when the teacher says "Hi Charli!  How was your morning?"  She responds instantly with "oh, Sam was a total f'ing shit show again".  Thank god I can think on my feet so I did the only thing you CAN do in that situation.  I looked at the teacher and said "Are you saying those kinds of things in class?  That's horrible!  Clean up your language potty mouth!" To be honest, I was just thrilled that she said "f'ing" instead of the full word.  Thank god I try to be efficient on the phone.

The really nice thing about "mom" friends is that its sort of like having your own personal network of pediatricians.  I mean for some stay at home moms, they hit the jackpot and had an MD degree fly out of their vag right after the placenta of their first mensa member.   I mean, these moms are freaks of nature.  They have that "developmental milestone" chart memorized and it's their mom-ic duty to tell you when your kid is lagging behind.  And they have an all out hay day when your kid bites their kid.  It's like the parental advice jackpot.  They have all the solutions on how to get it to stop.  And they always say "bite them back" which, coincidentally, I have tried and that result was worse than project blankee.  I bit her back once, and, of course, she laughed and started biting even MORE.  Then she bit her brother when daddy was around one time.  And daddy said "We don't bite in this house!" and of course the little shit strings together her first two word sentence (3 months after her "milestone date" for two word sentences) and says "mommy bites".  He turns to me and the look on my face said it all.  Thank god his only response was "Jesus christ meg".  I'm thinking, great, now Charli's going to take the name of the lord in vain when I drop her off tomorrow….

DDM's (Dense Daddy Moments)

Maternal instinct is a commonly used phrase that refers to how mom's just "know" what their kids need.  Have you ever heard the phrase "paternal instinct"? I honestly can't think of a single time that I've heard the phrase because, lets be honest, daddy's can be downright clueless. Here are a few of my favorite acronyms for DDM's (dense daddy moments)...

SSW- Stating the Spelled Word.
Meg "She already had c-o-o-k-i-e-s today"
John "cookies?"
way to go genius, you know how to freeking spell cookies. And now that you said the word out loud our kid is going to refer to them non-stop like rainman until I break down and let her have one more.

The Thanny (ok, so it's not a an acronym---it's a combo phrase like Brangelina)
This term gets used at our house anytime daddy changes a diaper. One side is a complete thong. The entire right ass cheek is hanging out. The other side is full on granny pantie coverage all the way across her hip. It's guaranteed to catch, well, absolutely NOTHING that the little shit (no pun intended) puts in their diaper.

NSB- No Soap Bath
"She sits in there for 30 minutes, you really think she needs soap when she's playing in the warm water for that long?" You know what honey, you're right, how the hell do soap companies make any money because clearly I'm the only idiot who thinks its actually required to get clean.

DC-Daddy Clean
This can be used when referring to the child who has just exited the NSB or when referring to a kitchen that was cleaned without the use of a sponge, broom, spray type cleaner or any kind of towel.

DBR- Daddy Bedtime Routine
 I often sit in the kitchen during DBR and think they must be deep cleaning charli's room and moving every single piece of furniture in there. You also hear sounds that make you think a plane is flying over your house but alas, its just daddy and the kid playing "airplane" during "wind down time". When daddy emerges from DBR he always has the same genuinely confused remark "honestly, I don't know why she never goes to bed for me". I can't even comment.

DDB- Daddy Diaper Bag
First of all, it's not a bag. It's a ziploc. It contains one diaper and a package of wet ones hand wipes.  Don't be impressed because he's considered that the kids hands will get dirty at the park, after all, that's what shirts are for.  He grabbed them with the full intention of using them on your kids ass before using the sole diaper as a thanny for the kid who shits first.

DT- Daddy Time (aka STFM slower than f'in molasses)
Me "Can you put Charli in her car seat while I pack the swim bag and diaper bag?"
Daddy "Sure"
I pack the swim bag, pack the diaper bag, change the baby and then decide I have time to throw in a load of laundry, assuming I can actually find the washing machine behind the mountain of dirty clothes.  7 minutes later I walk out the door and see my husband and daughter on the THIRD STEP of our house. Not even kidding you, they made it less than 7 feet in 7 minutes.

Where is my corkscrew?

If you enjoyed this post, please visit my blog for more comedy…. http://tipsymommy2.blogspot.com

Second Time Mamas

So, they have these things called "mom's groups".  Each one varies a bit, however, the general goal is for new mom's to get together to talk about their kids and bitch about their husbands.  

I made the mistake of joining a mom's group at my pre natal yoga studio for my first child.  Holy left wing nut jobs.  I almost quit the first day when one of the mom's was tandem nursing her infant and her 3 year old but I did what any good mom would do....I decided to stick it out so I'd have some good weekly material for my Facebook posts.  

So, TN (tandem nurser) was not the most fit mommy of the bunch and her beebows (as my neice calls them) had seen better, and higher, days.  The 3 year old was a classic "snacker"...meaning that she just wanted a little snack every few minutes.    Anyway, there's no way to give this story it's full value without getting a little graphic.  So, the 3 year old decides to get a little drink so she goes over to the mom and lays across her lap.  She's a little on the lazy side for a toddler so she asks her mom to throw her some boob so she can wet her whistle.   The toddler tries to just tilt her head to start her breast milk keg stand but it's too low for her to reach that way (#gravityiswinning).  No joke, the kid grabs the boob like a freeking sippy cup and then starts looking around at all of us while she's drinking.  

Fast forward almost exactly two years later.  I decided that the yoga studio group wasn't really my speed (especially not in an election year) so I joined another group.  This one was for "second time mama's" (translation, you've got another monster running around in addition to the one who just ripped you a new one a few short months ago).  I was referred to the group by a friend so I was optimistic.  I pull into the parking lot and see another woman there who I know instantly is the token crier and very possibly another tandem nurser.  The "leader" of the group takes her role very seriously.  A second time mama was explaining how her daughter starts crying whenever her husband gives her a bottle and while shes crying he just keeps forcing the bottle on her (which the mom thinks is obviously a horrible choice).  The leader says in all seriousness "Well, I think we have an issue of aggressive bottling here".  I bust out laughing (the laugh that actually makes sound) and say "Excuse me sir, you've been charged with aggressive bottling" in my best "cop" voice.  Everyone gives me this horrified look-- you would have thought I walked into the place with a "I love to shake babies" shirt on.  I tried to stifle my giggles but that was like trying to stop laughing in church.   The next woman talks about how she can't get her baby to take a pacifier.  She said she tries to force her to take it but she won't.  Are you freeking kidding me?  How was I supposed to walk away from that softball?  So of course I say "I think we have a case of aggressive pacifying here".   I did see two of the girls crack a legitmate smile so I could tell I was cracking the shell of these oh so serious second time mamas.  Stay tuned for more tales of moms groups (and all the other crap that happens to me)…