Nanny Diaries...

If you're a working mom with toddlers, you've contemplated various child care options for your kids.  I opted for the nanny route for a few different reasons.  We've had our current nanny for 3 and a half years and she is perfect for us.  However, the road to family/nanny compatibility was a rough one and I didn't get it right on the first…or second…or even the third try.   Here's a re cap...

August

I'm not having my first child for two more months, however, I'm anxious to get everything "organized" so I meet with various nanny agencies.  I decide to use Above and Beyond Nannies and pay an outrageous fee for "access" to their "exceptional" candidate pool.

September

After interviewing 13 candidates who were pre-selected by the agency, I decide on a "granny nanny" who meets my 200 rule (age plus weight must be at least 200-- it's a simple, yet effective formula).  I picture the baby and "Nana Cathy" cuddling on the couch with infant approved books and a sparkling clean kitchen every day when I get home.

October

The baby is here!  Nana Cathy starts and it's sort of like what I pictured but there are a few key differences.  For example, she didn't breast feed her kids and I caught her throwing away breast milk on multiple occasions.  Nothing makes a new mama want to cut a bitch more than wasting breast milk.  She didn't seem to understand my attachment to the liquid gold until I said "I have to remove that shit from my body with a f'ing machine that makes me look and sound like a cow….if you throw it out again, you're fired!"

She did clean the kitchen but also spent hours talking on the phone and watching Barefoot Contessa on the cooking channel while the baby sat in her bouncy seat.

Old people also want lots of workplace accommodations….

"My back hurts from bending over the changing table…can you get a taller one?"
"I don't like to drive at night, can you get home early today?"

We hit the point of no return quickly.  After a few months, I started exclusively referring to her as "shit for brains" behind her back but remembered, for the most part, to use her actual name during interactions.


March

Unfortunately, the generation gap didn't end with breast milk.  Granny nanny (aka shit for brains) raised her kids in the "no car seat" era.  It seems obvious to most people that technology advances are annoying in some areas but absolutely critical in other areas, like car seats.  She decided to go for a spin in her car with my kid on her lap in the DRIVER seat and then was dumb enough to tell me about it when I got home.  I did what any reasonable person would do.  I said "are you f'ing kidding me?  you have complete shit for brains.  you're fired".  It felt good to finally get that off my chest.

And now Nanny 2.0 search begins...

March  (later that day...)
I  called the nanny agency and explained that I terminated the nanny they referred to me 5 months ago because she is a fucking moron.  Now that I had some experience with a nanny, I realized there were some additional requirements I wanted to outline.  Some of them should have been obvious, such as car seat usage requirement, no TV for my infant, no union type workplace requests, etc but I specifically outlined them anyway.   They assured me they had countless candidates that would be perfect (for real this time!) for our family and promised to send me some resumes.

Two Days Later
Still waiting for said resumes from agency.

A Week Later
A slew of resumes arrive.  They have "questionnaires" each of the nanny candidates have completed.  Most of them are photocopies of hand written responses which seemed a little behind the times.  Once I got past the ridiculousness of hand written information, I started actually reading them and hilarity ensued.  Here is a exact quote from one of the resumes that is a real gem. 

          Question 26:  Are you eligible to work in the US?  Applicant Response "Yes"
          Question 27:  Do you have a Visa?  If so, what kind?  Applicant Response "Yes. Debit Card"

Out. Standing.

I continue through the list and ignore all the spelling errors.  After all, my kid was only 4 months old.  She'll learn how to spell in Kindergarten.  I settle on a girl who was a preschool teacher.  She showed up for the interview 3 minutes late.  I have an unhealthy obsession with timeliness so this was a huge red flag for me.  But she showed up with toys for the kids and they loved her.  She had another offer that was expiring in two days so I had the make a quick decision.  I decided to hire her.  Her stint was even shorter than shit for brains but, shockingly, her on the job offenses were even more impressive.

Incident #1.  She put her phone on the counter.  I didn't LOOK at it, I just happen to "notice" it.  Imagine my surprise when I notice that she has a picture of John (my husband) as her screen saver.  Not one to shy away from confrontation, I say "Wow, nice pic of my husband on your screen saver".  I have to admit, she shocked me with her response! She smiles and says  "I know, right?"  I couldn't muster a response but thought quietly, this is why I have the 200 rule. 

Incident #2- the drunk dial. To be fair, she wasn't working that day but it was only 4 pm and she was blitzed. I finally just hung up after she slurred "ohmygod....iseeerooiuslyloveyouguyzsss!" for the 5th time.  I was just glad she included the whole family instead of just John. 

Incident #3. The salary discussion.  She tried to negotiate a higher rate when I hired her.  I told her no but said we could revisit it after I got a better feel for her performance. She continued to show up late (and usually hung over) so when she asked for a raise I said no.  She quickly replied "don't you need to ask John?"  I didn't even justify it with a response. That bitch had a lot to learn. 

The straw that broke the camels back was when she called in sick on a Monday morning saying she "got food poisoning at the Renaissance festival".  This seemed a tad far fetched so I decided to creep on her Facebook page (even though we weren't FB friends).  Imagine my surprise when I realized she posted pics with friends and wine at 10 pm. 

I didn't even call her to fire her.  I did it via text. She said "I'm sick today". I responded "thanks for letting me know. Oh and your Renaissance festival pics on FB were super cute. Oh, and you're fired". 

After all, I can't be associated with people who can't handle their wine....

Xoxo tipsy mommy 

Hail to Dr. Seuss….

Happy Dr. Seuss Day!  If you have kids, you have read a Dr. Seuss book…or twelve.

Kids loves his books because they have so many funny words.  They work for older kids too because they talk about emotions in a silly, yet effective way.  While Dr. Suess is one of the most successful authors of all time, I have to admit, as a parent, they aren't my favorite books to read...

The Top 5 Reasons I Try to Avoid Dr. Seuss Books 

1.  Too Tired for Tongue Twisters

I don't know who technically invented the "tongue twister" but this Seuss dude mastered it.  I wonder if I could do a better job with the tongue twisters after a glass or two of wine.

2. I'm Trying To Cut Back on Profanity

Seriously, if you can read this passage without accidentally saying the word dick, you have a gift.

3.  End of Day Attention Span

At the end of a long day, I find myself reading the words on the page but changing them in my head to make it a little more applicable to life as a stay at home mom…

Nah, in my head, I think about my three toddlers who are all still in car seats and I see "Oh the places you WON'T go"…..the list includes anything that doesn't have a drive thru.  And church.

4.  Career Limiting Lyrics

What in the hell was he trying to accomplish with "Put Me in the Zoo" book?  An entire book about a unidentifiable animal who wants to be in the zoo and then sets his sights even higher and lands in the circus??  Have another hit, Doc.

 5.  Poor Life Choices

If you don't realize that "Go Dog Go" is about pot heads driving to a frat party, you're crazy.

And The Cat in the Hat has definitely landed him on the "Most Wanted List" by Child Protective Services.

If I'm reading this correctly, two toddlers were left home alone all day.  It was raining and a strange man, dressed as a cat, showed up and played "make believe" games with them all day?  Dateline would have a field day with this one.


6. Hidden Messages

Ok, I said 5, but ended with 6.
I was inspired by one of his pix.

Clearly this pic, was meant for me.
It might be meant for you too, that's fine.

The Yink likes to drink.
And his drink is pink.
He's talking about wine.
That's what I think.

May Dr. Seuss Day be filled with friends like Yink and fun pink stuff to drink.

XOXO

Tipsy Mommy

Hoarding….it's a real thing...

That's it.  I'm getting off the "highway to hoarding" today.  I want a clutter free, sparkly clean house.  I wanted to blame my husband and kids for our massive quantities of clutter but I realized that I am the clean house #dreamblocker.

I took an inventory of the shit in my house and found a theme.  It all revolves around things I can't seem to throw away.  Here are the top 10 things I need to stop "saving" if I ever want a clean house.

1. "Non-Toy" Toys

For reasons I can't quite figure out, "non-toy" toys are most commonly repurposed as bath toys in my house.  These are things like empty shampoo bottles, sippy cups with missing parts, plastic water bottles with missing straws (seriously, those straws are harder to keep track of than sock 2 of 2), old measuring cups, and every single happy meal toy we've ever gotten. (Yes, I let my kids eat McD's on occasion.  Stop judging).  Oh, and we have a shit load of "real" bath toys too.  It's official.  I'm going to be buried alive in repurposed BPA free plastic.

2.  "Art"

I use this term loosely because I have toddlers.  I find myself saying "oh, look, his first scribble!  I have to save it!"  or "Oh!  Look, she 'wrote' her name!"  I can't identify a single letter on the page, yet I feel compelled to save it.  There is some weird mom guilt attached to stuff that our kids have created but this crap needs to stop!

3.  Magazines

Look.  I know US Weekly only comes weekly and you think you're going to read it some night after the kids go to bed.  But it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  And you're not going to remember to grab all 16 back issues and read them the next time you go on an adult only tropical vacation (which, to be honest, probably isn't happening either).

4.  Books

See #3 for reference.  And these things are even bigger.  No. F'ing. Way.

5.  Instruction booklets

When is the last time you said "Oooh….I'm trying to figure out how to turn on my microwave.  Let me go fetch my tub 'o manuals and figure out how to do that".  Pitch them immediately.  In the unlikely event that you actually need them, they can most certainly be located on the world wide web.

6.  Luggage

I know, this seems strange but I can't be alone on this one.  I have six suitcases and countless duffel bags.  When is the last time you went on a trip that required six suitcases?  Never?  Yeah, me neither.  Bye bye bags!

7.  Shoes and Handbags

What?!  Are you fucking crazy?  You can NEVER have too many of these things and there's no way in hell I will EVER throw any of them away.  Period.

8.  Flatware/Cutlery

I actually wrote "organize flatware" as a goal for 2016.  This is the kind of shit you write down when you are a stay at home mom.  It's awful.  At any rate, we got beautiful new flatware for our wedding but I "saved" the flatware that John and I had before we were married.  You know, on the off chance that I'm hosting 106 people for dinner sometime.  Don't walk, RUN to goodwill with this crap you f'ing hoarder!!

9.  Orphan socks

Everyone has that basket of socks with no mates.  When we moved to cincy I should have been smart enough to just throw the orphan socks away but I actually put them in a box and freeking moved them. I'm a failure as a wife and mother.

10.  Broken crayons and dried out markers

I don't even want to take responsibility for this one.  We have smart phones and cars that self park but no one has bothered to make a cap free marker or an unbreakable crayon?  I'm calling BS on that one.


Go forth and declutter!  And try to remember that LESS is MORE….except when it comes to shoes, handbags and wine, of course.

XOXO Tipsy Mommy

F*&k You Zuckerberg….

I admit it.  I have a total love/hate relationship with Facebook.  Damn you Mark Zuckerburg and your brilliant illusion about keeping us "connected" even though we haven't had a conversation in 10 years (or ever, in some cases).   I can't stand Facebook (but can't quit it either…). Here are the top reasons Facebook turns me into that psycho bitch….

1.  "Seen" notification on FB Messenger-  Let me get this straight, you decided it would be a good idea to tell people when a message they sent has been seen? I guess this could be an innocent feature but it becomes a PROBLEM is when people don't respond.  Now you KNOW they saw it and you spend the rest of your night trying to figure out why they read it but didn't respond.  

2.  "People you may know".  Ok Zuckerburg.  When you get back from your over-publicized paternity leave, I have a bone to pick with you about this one.  I've been accused of being "obnoxious" in the past and let's just say my friend number "fluctuates".  About 95% of the time, I figure out that I was unfriended because you suggest a former friend as "someone I might know".  Of course I know them, you asshole, I was "friends" with them.  Stop making me feel like a loser!  This is also how my nephew got busted having a FB page after his mom specifically told him he couldn't.  Oh how you love to stir the pot… 

3.  "Friends".  I think we can all agree that a FB friend is no where near a real "friend".  Let's all agree that "FB acquaintance" is a lot more transparent.  

4. "Like".  Ok, the like part itself isn't passive aggressive but the radio silence (i.e NOT "liking") is SUPER passive aggressive.  I waste hours wondering why my "friend" didn't "like" my post but liked 14 other ones.  Fuck you FB and the way you make me a #stalker.

5. "Block".  Ok, this is quite possibly the winner in our test.  You don't send me any kind of notification that I've been blocked but it's super obvious when the asshole gets suggested as someone I might know.  

6. "Hide" I can't even complain about this one.  I have two FB friends who I maintain my digital relationship for the sole purpose of making fun of their posts to my sister and my friend Jessica.  I'm going to hell.  Sorry, I'm not sorry.

7. FB Lingo/Hashtags/Emojicons-  These millenials are starting to think this whole FB thing is real life.  They never type a full word, let alone a complete sentence, they audibly say "hashtag" and they're all going to have carpel tunnel by the time they're 27.

8. Friend Count- Ok, I don't need to be reminded that I only have 212 friends and 56 of them have never ever liked anything I've posted. 

9.  Suggested Ads- That's it.  You guys are assholes.  No I don't need Spanx, viagra, or botox.  Get out of my house!

10.  Candy Crush Saga- NO I don't want to play candy crush saga and why are 50 year old people doing this in the middle of the day?  Don't firewalls block that sort of shit from happening at work?

It's official. I'm going to consciously uncouple from FaceBook…tomorrow….maybe.

xoxo Tipsy Mommy

The Allergy "Don't" List...

Allergies have become all too common with children these days.  My child has severe food allergies and if you want to help her, there aren't things I want you to do.  There are things I want you to stop.

1.  Please don't tell my daughter her life is hard.  She has food allergies, not cancer.  She's one of the luckiest girls in the world and I will never let her use allergies as a crutch.  The biggest challenge with food allergies are the people who don't "believe" them. They roll their eyes and act like you're hypochondriac allergy mom.  These people are the single biggest risk to my allergy child.  I beg you.  Do NOT be that person.  So, instead of telling her that you feel sorry for her, tell her you'll help protect her.  Tell her you understand allergies are serious and you will be a grown up she can trust to help keep her safe.  And then do that.

2.  Please don't ask me what she's allergic to.  Ask her.  One of the best things you can do for a child is empower them.   She's our first line of defense in allergy warfare and teaching her to communicate about her allergies is critical.  She's allergic to 15 things and she can tell you every single one of them.  If she hasn't been to your house, she'll ask you to read the soap label for her to confirm it doesn't have milk or tree nuts (a lot of them do!).  She knows that casein is actually considered dairy and that only some of the Annies products are safe because some are manufactured on the same line as eggs.  You think a 5 year old can't advocate for their own safety?  I disagree.

3.  Please don't tell me "she'll probably outgrow" them.  It's true.  Most kids outgrow allergies.  In Charli's case, her numbers continue to rise which decreases the likelihood of her outgrowing them.  I'm not going to let her think they're going to go away, because there's a chance they won't.

4.  Please don't bitch about having nut free schools or having to refrain from eating peanuts when you're on a flight with her.  You know why?  Cuz it makes you an ass, that's why.

5.  Please don't give her anything to eat (EVEN IF I TOLD YOU IT WAS SAFE) without asking her if she has her EPI pen.  There are stories all the time about kids dying from allergic reactions.  A large portion of these deaths could be prevented if the allergy child had been given epinephrine.  So, if she doesn't have it, you CANNOT feed her.

6.  Please don't treat her like she's special….for this.  She IS special, for a million reasons other than her allergies.  She doesn't need you to make special treats for your kids birthday party.  The world isn't going to accommodate her allergies so you don't need to either.  She needs to realize that she's not like other kids.  She can't eat the cake at birthday parties, she can't have cookies at the grocery store, and she needs to wash her hands every single time she puts them in her mouth.  She needs to realize that in life you need to be prepared.  When she goes to a party, she needs to bring food that is safe for her to eat and that's OK.

I know some allergy parents will disagree with me on these things.  Some allergy parents want allergy free schools, nut free bakeries, and a load of other special accommodations.  But that's not teaching our kids about the way life works.  I think all schools should have epi pens on hand because they can save a kids life.  I think schools should have nut free zones because it's an easy enough thing to do and it could save a child's life.  I think we should educate people about allergies and how they can keep kids safe.  I think we should focus on finding a cure for allergies because life would be easier without them. But we can't insist on everyone considering our allergy kids as much as we, their parents, do. 

Allergies are a challenge.  Allergies are scary.  But allergies are just one of the many challenges my child will face in life.  The best thing we can do for our allergy kids is to empower them.  To believe them.  And to help keep them safe.  Not by putting them in a bubble, or adapting the entire world to their needs.  We keep them safe by teaching them to navigate in an unsafe world.  By teaching them to be prepared. Teaching them to communicate. And teaching them to TRUST THEMSELVES above anyone else. And teaching them to stab someone with their EPI who says allergies are fake. Ok, you're right, let's not teach them that. 

Xoxo. Tipsy mommy 

The Top 6 Reasons I'm Never Getting a Job....

Being a stay at home mom is hard but it does come with a few perks.  Here are a few things you can only do at "work" when you're a stay at home mom.

1.  Swearing/yelling at subordinates

Swearing is encouraged in the stay at home mom ranks.  Every day I tell myself I'm not going to lose my patience but I'm cussing like a sailor through gritted teeth by 9 am.   And it's ALWAYS related to getting kids in the van so we can get to school on time.  It starts with me patiently asking them to get in the van.  After 6 minutes, I'm white knuckled and yelling through gritted teeth "GET IN THE F$#*ING VAN!"  

2. Inappropriate Contact with Subordinates

Truthfully, I'm not a spanker.  Most of them time I'm disciplining my kids because they hit/bite/push their sibling(s) and it just doesn't seem right to respond to that with spanking.  I envision that process playing out like this….  "Get over here you little f*$%er!  *spanking* We do NOT hit in this house!".  It just doesn't seem effective to me.

However, I do resort to the use of force when the baby pulls that "arched back to avoid the car seat" move.  That sh*t sends me into orbit!  You're TWO!  I'm NOT two!  I'm gonna kick your a#% in the arched back battle!!

3.  Promptness

I'm proud to say that I'm habitually on time.  I will pull out of the driveway with my kids still rolling around the back seat in order to get somewhere on time.  It's a huge #petpeeve of mine when my "peers" are late.  I know that kids take extra time.  But, guess what, I'm pretty sure you knew you had kids when you woke up this morning.  Maybe you should go ahead and allow extra time to get them "situated" so you can show up somewhere on time. #beinglateisplanned

4.  Sleeping with your subordinates.

Think about it.  You know I'm right on this one.  Btw, I'm NOT talking about your kids here.  I'm talking about your spouse/partner/co-parent because we all know that stay at home moms are the real deal boss of every household.  #Momboss

5.  Dress Code

There are two employers that allows yoga gear every day of the year.  A yoga studio and your house.

6.  Drinking
The late afternoon playdate is the equivalent of a "think tank" at work.  Where you share ides (i.e bitch about your husbands) and talk about activities for the week.  You vent about the trials of potty training, mean girls in preschool (YES, it starts that early), and (sort of) punch out for an hour while your toddlers self police.  The only difference here is the alcohol….but, you know I'm not going to hold THAT against anyone. 

So, maybe there's a few "perks" to the SAHM mom gig that don't fly in the corporate world but no one views this thing as a cake walk.  There are also all nighters with sick kids, daily discussions about bodily fluids, cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework, and activity shuttling that make this a 24/7 commitment.  SAHM's rarely get to think about themselves because their brains are full with what they're doing for everyone else in the house.  But that cheesy statement about it being the most rewarding unpaid job you'll ever do is so true.  So somewhere in between the diaper changes, impromptu dance parties, kissed boo boo's, unexpected belly laughs, and predictable temper tantrums, remember how important your "job" is and that no one else in this world can do it as well as you.  Oh, and celebrate yourself with some vino after bedtime.  

 xoxo Tipsy Mommy

7 Words That Make No Freeking Sense.

People are always trying to think of the next "big thing".  This generation isn't content with status quo…they are always on the hunt for something better.  At the risk of being called closed minded, I'm gonna say that we've taken "forward thinking" a little too far.   I've compiled a list of words that prove this point.  These words literally make no sense.

1.  Meme

A meme (/ˈmiːm/ meem) is "an idea, behavior, or style that spreads from person to person within a culture".

First of all, I have no f'ing idea how this is pronounced. Second, if you try to go pre-Y2K and actually use your brain to figure out what the hell it means based on it's letters/structure/etc, there's no way you're gonna figure it out either.  Me me?  Wasn't she that old lady on Golden Girls?


2. Emoticon

e·mo·ti·con

əˈmōdəˌkän/

noun

plural noun: emoticons

1. a representation of a facial expression such as:-) (representing a smile), formed by various combinations of keyboard characters and used in electronic communications to convey the writer's feelings or intended tone.
   
   

   

   
   

   
   

People are SO LAZY! Here's an idea, if you're trying to explain your feelings, then explain your feelings! It would be one thing if there were a handful of emoticons…you know, happy, sad, mad, etc. But there are over 50,000 freeking emoticons! I accidentally hit the one beside the "laughing so hard he's crying" emoticon and I had no idea what the one I inadvertently sent actually meant.

3. Emoji

Emoji: Originally meaning pictograph, the word emoji comes from Japanese e (絵, "picture") + moji (文字, "character"). The apparent resemblance to English "emotion" and "emoticon" is just a coincidence.^[7]

Jesus H.  I really hate research within research.

           A pictogram, also called a pictogramme, pictograph, or simply picto,^[1] and also an          'icon'^{[citation needed]}, is an ideogram that conveys its meaning through its pictorial resemblance to a physical object

Not to be confused with an emoticon because these things are COMPLETELY different.  Honestly, I'm too confused to even type right now.

4. Wikipedia

Calling the site "a place where complete idiots can post totally unsubstantiated shit and make it look legit" won't drum up much business and it's probably a little wordy.  So, creating a completely new word was probably a better route.   Here's my issue.  It pretends to be a "research" site but they have a freeking disclaimer that pops up with some content.

This article needs additional citations for verification. Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (November 2006)

Ok, Wiki, Shit or get off the pot.  Either be a reference site or be the Onion.  You don't get to play both sides.

5.  Millennial

mil·len·nial

miˈlenēəl/

noun

plural noun: millennials; plural noun: Millennials

1. a person reaching young adulthood around the year 2000; a Generation Yer.

   "the industry brims with theories on what makes millennials tick"

Truthfully I understand how they came up with this word, I just don't think the definition is correct.  Apparently they can't swear on Google because we all know this means "entitled little fuckers".

6. Twerk

Twerking (/ˈtwɜrkɪŋ/) is a type of dancing in which an individual, usually a female,^[1] dances to music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low squatting stance.^[2]

Let's all agree that formally documenting a word created by Miley Cyrus is a bad idea, ok?

7. Fleek

on fleek 

the quality of being perfect, or on point i.e. Zayn Malik

What the fleek??  An "on fleek meme"?!?!  *mind blown*. I agree.  Let's boycott on fleek.  You know a good word for something perfect?  "PERFECT!"

I envision a similar list from a teenager that could be called "Words my mom says that make no sense".  It would include things like "land lines", "rotary dial phones", "dial up internet", "jorts" and "flip phones".  I pretend that I'm going to defy these trends and stick to my old school language because I don't care if I'm "hip".  But the reality is that I'll be trying to use these damn words in the correct context for the next year.  Except for #6, I refuse to part of anything related to twerking.  You're welcome.

XOXO Tipsy Mommy