Hoarding….it's a real thing...

That's it.  I'm getting off the "highway to hoarding" today.  I want a clutter free, sparkly clean house.  I wanted to blame my husband and kids for our massive quantities of clutter but I realized that I am the clean house #dreamblocker.

I took an inventory of the shit in my house and found a theme.  It all revolves around things I can't seem to throw away.  Here are the top 10 things I need to stop "saving" if I ever want a clean house.

1. "Non-Toy" Toys

For reasons I can't quite figure out, "non-toy" toys are most commonly repurposed as bath toys in my house.  These are things like empty shampoo bottles, sippy cups with missing parts, plastic water bottles with missing straws (seriously, those straws are harder to keep track of than sock 2 of 2), old measuring cups, and every single happy meal toy we've ever gotten. (Yes, I let my kids eat McD's on occasion.  Stop judging).  Oh, and we have a shit load of "real" bath toys too.  It's official.  I'm going to be buried alive in repurposed BPA free plastic.

2.  "Art"

I use this term loosely because I have toddlers.  I find myself saying "oh, look, his first scribble!  I have to save it!"  or "Oh!  Look, she 'wrote' her name!"  I can't identify a single letter on the page, yet I feel compelled to save it.  There is some weird mom guilt attached to stuff that our kids have created but this crap needs to stop!

3.  Magazines

Look.  I know US Weekly only comes weekly and you think you're going to read it some night after the kids go to bed.  But it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  And you're not going to remember to grab all 16 back issues and read them the next time you go on an adult only tropical vacation (which, to be honest, probably isn't happening either).

4.  Books

See #3 for reference.  And these things are even bigger.  No. F'ing. Way.

5.  Instruction booklets

When is the last time you said "Oooh….I'm trying to figure out how to turn on my microwave.  Let me go fetch my tub 'o manuals and figure out how to do that".  Pitch them immediately.  In the unlikely event that you actually need them, they can most certainly be located on the world wide web.

6.  Luggage

I know, this seems strange but I can't be alone on this one.  I have six suitcases and countless duffel bags.  When is the last time you went on a trip that required six suitcases?  Never?  Yeah, me neither.  Bye bye bags!

7.  Shoes and Handbags

What?!  Are you fucking crazy?  You can NEVER have too many of these things and there's no way in hell I will EVER throw any of them away.  Period.

8.  Flatware/Cutlery

I actually wrote "organize flatware" as a goal for 2016.  This is the kind of shit you write down when you are a stay at home mom.  It's awful.  At any rate, we got beautiful new flatware for our wedding but I "saved" the flatware that John and I had before we were married.  You know, on the off chance that I'm hosting 106 people for dinner sometime.  Don't walk, RUN to goodwill with this crap you f'ing hoarder!!

9.  Orphan socks

Everyone has that basket of socks with no mates.  When we moved to cincy I should have been smart enough to just throw the orphan socks away but I actually put them in a box and freeking moved them. I'm a failure as a wife and mother.

10.  Broken crayons and dried out markers

I don't even want to take responsibility for this one.  We have smart phones and cars that self park but no one has bothered to make a cap free marker or an unbreakable crayon?  I'm calling BS on that one.


Go forth and declutter!  And try to remember that LESS is MORE….except when it comes to shoes, handbags and wine, of course.

XOXO Tipsy Mommy

F*&k You Zuckerberg….

I admit it.  I have a total love/hate relationship with Facebook.  Damn you Mark Zuckerburg and your brilliant illusion about keeping us "connected" even though we haven't had a conversation in 10 years (or ever, in some cases).   I can't stand Facebook (but can't quit it either…). Here are the top reasons Facebook turns me into that psycho bitch….

1.  "Seen" notification on FB Messenger-  Let me get this straight, you decided it would be a good idea to tell people when a message they sent has been seen? I guess this could be an innocent feature but it becomes a PROBLEM is when people don't respond.  Now you KNOW they saw it and you spend the rest of your night trying to figure out why they read it but didn't respond.  

2.  "People you may know".  Ok Zuckerburg.  When you get back from your over-publicized paternity leave, I have a bone to pick with you about this one.  I've been accused of being "obnoxious" in the past and let's just say my friend number "fluctuates".  About 95% of the time, I figure out that I was unfriended because you suggest a former friend as "someone I might know".  Of course I know them, you asshole, I was "friends" with them.  Stop making me feel like a loser!  This is also how my nephew got busted having a FB page after his mom specifically told him he couldn't.  Oh how you love to stir the pot… 

3.  "Friends".  I think we can all agree that a FB friend is no where near a real "friend".  Let's all agree that "FB acquaintance" is a lot more transparent.  

4. "Like".  Ok, the like part itself isn't passive aggressive but the radio silence (i.e NOT "liking") is SUPER passive aggressive.  I waste hours wondering why my "friend" didn't "like" my post but liked 14 other ones.  Fuck you FB and the way you make me a #stalker.

5. "Block".  Ok, this is quite possibly the winner in our test.  You don't send me any kind of notification that I've been blocked but it's super obvious when the asshole gets suggested as someone I might know.  

6. "Hide" I can't even complain about this one.  I have two FB friends who I maintain my digital relationship for the sole purpose of making fun of their posts to my sister and my friend Jessica.  I'm going to hell.  Sorry, I'm not sorry.

7. FB Lingo/Hashtags/Emojicons-  These millenials are starting to think this whole FB thing is real life.  They never type a full word, let alone a complete sentence, they audibly say "hashtag" and they're all going to have carpel tunnel by the time they're 27.

8. Friend Count- Ok, I don't need to be reminded that I only have 212 friends and 56 of them have never ever liked anything I've posted. 

9.  Suggested Ads- That's it.  You guys are assholes.  No I don't need Spanx, viagra, or botox.  Get out of my house!

10.  Candy Crush Saga- NO I don't want to play candy crush saga and why are 50 year old people doing this in the middle of the day?  Don't firewalls block that sort of shit from happening at work?

It's official. I'm going to consciously uncouple from FaceBook…tomorrow….maybe.

xoxo Tipsy Mommy

The Allergy "Don't" List...

Allergies have become all too common with children these days.  My child has severe food allergies and if you want to help her, there aren't things I want you to do.  There are things I want you to stop.

1.  Please don't tell my daughter her life is hard.  She has food allergies, not cancer.  She's one of the luckiest girls in the world and I will never let her use allergies as a crutch.  The biggest challenge with food allergies are the people who don't "believe" them. They roll their eyes and act like you're hypochondriac allergy mom.  These people are the single biggest risk to my allergy child.  I beg you.  Do NOT be that person.  So, instead of telling her that you feel sorry for her, tell her you'll help protect her.  Tell her you understand allergies are serious and you will be a grown up she can trust to help keep her safe.  And then do that.

2.  Please don't ask me what she's allergic to.  Ask her.  One of the best things you can do for a child is empower them.   She's our first line of defense in allergy warfare and teaching her to communicate about her allergies is critical.  She's allergic to 15 things and she can tell you every single one of them.  If she hasn't been to your house, she'll ask you to read the soap label for her to confirm it doesn't have milk or tree nuts (a lot of them do!).  She knows that casein is actually considered dairy and that only some of the Annies products are safe because some are manufactured on the same line as eggs.  You think a 5 year old can't advocate for their own safety?  I disagree.

3.  Please don't tell me "she'll probably outgrow" them.  It's true.  Most kids outgrow allergies.  In Charli's case, her numbers continue to rise which decreases the likelihood of her outgrowing them.  I'm not going to let her think they're going to go away, because there's a chance they won't.

4.  Please don't bitch about having nut free schools or having to refrain from eating peanuts when you're on a flight with her.  You know why?  Cuz it makes you an ass, that's why.

5.  Please don't give her anything to eat (EVEN IF I TOLD YOU IT WAS SAFE) without asking her if she has her EPI pen.  There are stories all the time about kids dying from allergic reactions.  A large portion of these deaths could be prevented if the allergy child had been given epinephrine.  So, if she doesn't have it, you CANNOT feed her.

6.  Please don't treat her like she's special….for this.  She IS special, for a million reasons other than her allergies.  She doesn't need you to make special treats for your kids birthday party.  The world isn't going to accommodate her allergies so you don't need to either.  She needs to realize that she's not like other kids.  She can't eat the cake at birthday parties, she can't have cookies at the grocery store, and she needs to wash her hands every single time she puts them in her mouth.  She needs to realize that in life you need to be prepared.  When she goes to a party, she needs to bring food that is safe for her to eat and that's OK.

I know some allergy parents will disagree with me on these things.  Some allergy parents want allergy free schools, nut free bakeries, and a load of other special accommodations.  But that's not teaching our kids about the way life works.  I think all schools should have epi pens on hand because they can save a kids life.  I think schools should have nut free zones because it's an easy enough thing to do and it could save a child's life.  I think we should educate people about allergies and how they can keep kids safe.  I think we should focus on finding a cure for allergies because life would be easier without them. But we can't insist on everyone considering our allergy kids as much as we, their parents, do. 

Allergies are a challenge.  Allergies are scary.  But allergies are just one of the many challenges my child will face in life.  The best thing we can do for our allergy kids is to empower them.  To believe them.  And to help keep them safe.  Not by putting them in a bubble, or adapting the entire world to their needs.  We keep them safe by teaching them to navigate in an unsafe world.  By teaching them to be prepared. Teaching them to communicate. And teaching them to TRUST THEMSELVES above anyone else. And teaching them to stab someone with their EPI who says allergies are fake. Ok, you're right, let's not teach them that. 

Xoxo. Tipsy mommy 

The Top 6 Reasons I'm Never Getting a Job....

Being a stay at home mom is hard but it does come with a few perks.  Here are a few things you can only do at "work" when you're a stay at home mom.

1.  Swearing/yelling at subordinates

Swearing is encouraged in the stay at home mom ranks.  Every day I tell myself I'm not going to lose my patience but I'm cussing like a sailor through gritted teeth by 9 am.   And it's ALWAYS related to getting kids in the van so we can get to school on time.  It starts with me patiently asking them to get in the van.  After 6 minutes, I'm white knuckled and yelling through gritted teeth "GET IN THE F$#*ING VAN!"  

2. Inappropriate Contact with Subordinates

Truthfully, I'm not a spanker.  Most of them time I'm disciplining my kids because they hit/bite/push their sibling(s) and it just doesn't seem right to respond to that with spanking.  I envision that process playing out like this….  "Get over here you little f*$%er!  *spanking* We do NOT hit in this house!".  It just doesn't seem effective to me.

However, I do resort to the use of force when the baby pulls that "arched back to avoid the car seat" move.  That sh*t sends me into orbit!  You're TWO!  I'm NOT two!  I'm gonna kick your a#% in the arched back battle!!

3.  Promptness

I'm proud to say that I'm habitually on time.  I will pull out of the driveway with my kids still rolling around the back seat in order to get somewhere on time.  It's a huge #petpeeve of mine when my "peers" are late.  I know that kids take extra time.  But, guess what, I'm pretty sure you knew you had kids when you woke up this morning.  Maybe you should go ahead and allow extra time to get them "situated" so you can show up somewhere on time. #beinglateisplanned

4.  Sleeping with your subordinates.

Think about it.  You know I'm right on this one.  Btw, I'm NOT talking about your kids here.  I'm talking about your spouse/partner/co-parent because we all know that stay at home moms are the real deal boss of every household.  #Momboss

5.  Dress Code

There are two employers that allows yoga gear every day of the year.  A yoga studio and your house.

6.  Drinking
The late afternoon playdate is the equivalent of a "think tank" at work.  Where you share ides (i.e bitch about your husbands) and talk about activities for the week.  You vent about the trials of potty training, mean girls in preschool (YES, it starts that early), and (sort of) punch out for an hour while your toddlers self police.  The only difference here is the alcohol….but, you know I'm not going to hold THAT against anyone. 

So, maybe there's a few "perks" to the SAHM mom gig that don't fly in the corporate world but no one views this thing as a cake walk.  There are also all nighters with sick kids, daily discussions about bodily fluids, cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework, and activity shuttling that make this a 24/7 commitment.  SAHM's rarely get to think about themselves because their brains are full with what they're doing for everyone else in the house.  But that cheesy statement about it being the most rewarding unpaid job you'll ever do is so true.  So somewhere in between the diaper changes, impromptu dance parties, kissed boo boo's, unexpected belly laughs, and predictable temper tantrums, remember how important your "job" is and that no one else in this world can do it as well as you.  Oh, and celebrate yourself with some vino after bedtime.  

 xoxo Tipsy Mommy

7 Words That Make No Freeking Sense.

People are always trying to think of the next "big thing".  This generation isn't content with status quo…they are always on the hunt for something better.  At the risk of being called closed minded, I'm gonna say that we've taken "forward thinking" a little too far.   I've compiled a list of words that prove this point.  These words literally make no sense.

1.  Meme

A meme (/ˈmiːm/ meem) is "an idea, behavior, or style that spreads from person to person within a culture".

First of all, I have no f'ing idea how this is pronounced. Second, if you try to go pre-Y2K and actually use your brain to figure out what the hell it means based on it's letters/structure/etc, there's no way you're gonna figure it out either.  Me me?  Wasn't she that old lady on Golden Girls?


2. Emoticon

e·mo·ti·con

əˈmōdəˌkän/

noun

plural noun: emoticons

1. a representation of a facial expression such as:-) (representing a smile), formed by various combinations of keyboard characters and used in electronic communications to convey the writer's feelings or intended tone.
   
   

   

   
   

   
   

People are SO LAZY! Here's an idea, if you're trying to explain your feelings, then explain your feelings! It would be one thing if there were a handful of emoticons…you know, happy, sad, mad, etc. But there are over 50,000 freeking emoticons! I accidentally hit the one beside the "laughing so hard he's crying" emoticon and I had no idea what the one I inadvertently sent actually meant.

3. Emoji

Emoji: Originally meaning pictograph, the word emoji comes from Japanese e (絵, "picture") + moji (文字, "character"). The apparent resemblance to English "emotion" and "emoticon" is just a coincidence.^[7]

Jesus H.  I really hate research within research.

           A pictogram, also called a pictogramme, pictograph, or simply picto,^[1] and also an          'icon'^{[citation needed]}, is an ideogram that conveys its meaning through its pictorial resemblance to a physical object

Not to be confused with an emoticon because these things are COMPLETELY different.  Honestly, I'm too confused to even type right now.

4. Wikipedia

Calling the site "a place where complete idiots can post totally unsubstantiated shit and make it look legit" won't drum up much business and it's probably a little wordy.  So, creating a completely new word was probably a better route.   Here's my issue.  It pretends to be a "research" site but they have a freeking disclaimer that pops up with some content.

This article needs additional citations for verification. Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (November 2006)

Ok, Wiki, Shit or get off the pot.  Either be a reference site or be the Onion.  You don't get to play both sides.

5.  Millennial

mil·len·nial

miˈlenēəl/

noun

plural noun: millennials; plural noun: Millennials

1. a person reaching young adulthood around the year 2000; a Generation Yer.

   "the industry brims with theories on what makes millennials tick"

Truthfully I understand how they came up with this word, I just don't think the definition is correct.  Apparently they can't swear on Google because we all know this means "entitled little fuckers".

6. Twerk

Twerking (/ˈtwɜrkɪŋ/) is a type of dancing in which an individual, usually a female,^[1] dances to music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low squatting stance.^[2]

Let's all agree that formally documenting a word created by Miley Cyrus is a bad idea, ok?

7. Fleek

on fleek 

the quality of being perfect, or on point i.e. Zayn Malik

What the fleek??  An "on fleek meme"?!?!  *mind blown*. I agree.  Let's boycott on fleek.  You know a good word for something perfect?  "PERFECT!"

I envision a similar list from a teenager that could be called "Words my mom says that make no sense".  It would include things like "land lines", "rotary dial phones", "dial up internet", "jorts" and "flip phones".  I pretend that I'm going to defy these trends and stick to my old school language because I don't care if I'm "hip".  But the reality is that I'll be trying to use these damn words in the correct context for the next year.  Except for #6, I refuse to part of anything related to twerking.  You're welcome.

XOXO Tipsy Mommy

Are you "That" mom? Take this short quiz to find out...

Every group of friends has "that mom".  Just like every group in college had the "slutty friend".  And the same rule applies…if you don't think you have one, it's YOU.

Please answer the questions below to figure out if you're "that mom". 

1.  How many times a week do you cook dinner?

A) 6 times per week.  We have family date night on Friday's.

B) 3 times per week

C) Weekends only

D) What exactly do you mean when you say "cook"?

2.  How many hours per day do you let your kids watch TV?

A) Less than 2 hours

B) 2-3 hours

C) 5 hours

D) Um….let me calculate how many hours they are awake each day….

3. When was your husbands last blow job?

A) This week

B) Less than a month ago

C) Within the last 6 months

D) Blow job?  We're married.  

4.  How many times a week do you wear something OTHER THAN yoga clothes?

A) Every Day

B) 3 times per week

C) Weekends Only

D) I don't understand this question…what else would I wear?

5.  How many times a week do you wear yoga clothes and actually do yoga (or some other form of exercise)?

A) Every Day

B) 3 times per week

C) Weekends Only

D) The last time I hit the gym was the last day I gave my husband a BJ.  Didn't I tell you I'm married?

If you answered mostly "A", you are, without a doubt, "that" mom.
Listen. Women need to start supporting each other.  I think we can all agree that BJ's are pointless once you're married.  They're like watching football.  It's something you do when you're dating to convince the guy that you're not a "typical" chick so they ask you out again.  Make up, cooking and exercise are EASY opportunities for us to level the playing field.  When our spouses see other women making more of an effort (in any aspect of our lives), it puts the slackers in a poor light.  The next time you have the urge to do that two hour hot yoga class, take a minute to think about how that might make that mom who is plucking her chin hairs in car line feel.

If you answered B or C to all/most of the questions you're a "borderline mom".  You make a bit of an effort in most areas of your life, but not enough of an effort to alienate potential mom friends.  Keep up the good work and remember, when in doubt, choose to DO LESS!  Love you!

If you answered "D" to most of the questions you are, without a doubt, a "ROCKSTAR MOM FRIEND".  You have kids, which pre-qualifies you for play dates with other moms.  Once they've peeked into your low standard, low effort world, they will be hooked.  Your gift to the mom universe is making everyone else feel a little bit better about themselves because they aren't quite as lazy as you are.  Way to make a difference girl!!  CHEERS and get ready for your phone to start blowing up with texts from your new besties!!!  

5 Technology "advances" that are actually making us dumber...

Technology has really changed the world.  For the most part, I think it's changed things for the better, however, there are a few technological advances that have made us dumber (or is it more dumb?).

1.  Car Back up cameras

I got a van (STOP JUDGING ME!  It's sweet!  It's like driving a living room!!) and it has a back up camera.  It's amazing.  You hardly even have to turn your head to back up, you just stare at the screen to make sure you don't run over anyone.  However, be advised, they do not always detect childrens bikes that might be laying on the ground behind your van.  Proceed with caution and RIP Huffy.

2.  Parking assist power buttons in cars

My van also has "parking assist".  In a nut shell, it starts beeping and flashing lights if you're going to back into something/someone.  Again, this one is amazing.  It's like the car basically drives itself.  However, BEWARE, the parking assist has a POWER button.

I had just finished picking up dry cleaning and was backing out of my spot.  I looked in my mirror and felt like the car behind me was a little close (especially since the mirror says objects are even closer than they appear).  I know I'm equipped with an idiot proof van so I keep going.  I hear (and feel) a thud as I hit the car behind me.  Despite this proof that I've hit something, I think, 'it can't be my car, I have parking assist'.  I literally backed into the car a SECOND time.  When the audible sound of car to car contact is repeated,  I start questioning the reliability of this life changing technology.  I look down curiously at the little button that is usually yellow and it appears to be "off".  I push the button, it turns yellow, and then starts sounding the "we have made contact!  it's a direct hit" alarm.  My response was obvious: "this thing has a power button?  Why would anyone ever want to shut it off?!!".  So, I literally backed into another car twice because I didn't hear the normal beeping sound from my car telling me to stop.  Don't judge…I know I'm not alone in this one.

3.  Pay at pump gas pumps

Kids these days don't even realize that people work at gas stations because most of them have never been inside of one.  They swipe their credit card, fill up the tank, and they're off before they can send a "GGTTYL" (getting gas, talk to you later) txt.

A teenager needed money for gas.  His dad said "Here's $20".  The son said "But that's not enough".  Dad replied "Well, it's all I have".  The son is still confused and says "But it takes more than $20 to fill it up".  The dad pauses, and says "Just stop it when you get to $20".  His eyes widen and he says "Wait, you can do that?!" *mind blown*  Parenting checklist: Teach your child to "let go"of the gas pump.

4.  GPS

"I drove into a lake because the GPS told me to" was one of my favorite Steve Carell lines on #theoffice.  This highlights a real epidemic in this country.  When you ask a computer to do something for you, we completely abandon our own ability to think.

We planned a trip and projected it would take 8 hours.  I punched it into GPS and immediately got irritated when it said 13 hours.  I say "John, it's 13 hours, we aren't going to SURVIVE!"  He explains "its only 8 hours.  The GPS isn't right."  I look at him like he's crazy but investigate anyway.  I flip through the settings and realize the "avoid tolls" setting is on.  My GPS was literally going to send me to CANADA to avoid tolls. #insanity

5.  Cell Phones

If you have a phone you literally don't need a brain.  It will do EVERYTHING for you!  It can take pictures, give directions, send text messages you ask it to type and research things on the web.  It coincidentally, doesn't have any resemblance to the "original" phone.  We rented a cabin this summer and it had an old school rotary phone.  My 5 year old looked at it with horror and said "WHAT.  IS.  THAT?"  I said "It's a phone".  She responds immediately "Where's the camera?"  Lord. Help. Me.  How did I let my kid live five years without ever laying her eyes on a land line??!!

I'm going to challenge myself to go old school with my kids on occasion.  Whether it's reading a map instead of asking Siri where we're going, reading a book instead of watching you Tube videos, or calling someone on our land line phone instead of face time.  We all know the easiest way to do things is almost NEVER the best way so I'm going to make my kids life a little harder…to make it a little better.

xoxo Meg (Tipsy Mommy)