Why is Father's Day "National Spend All Day Golfing With Your Buddies" Day but Mother's Day is "National Let's Do A Huge Outing with The Whole Family" Day? SPOILER ALERT: The "day out with the fam" thing is actually a shit ton of work for mom. Packing lunches, diaper bags, extra clothes, etc. etc….you get my drift. You'd probably get more points just scheduling a surprise root canal for her that day.
If you're in a romantic relationship with a woman who happens to be a mother, then listen up. Here are the top 5 things you need to do on Mother's Day if you ever want to get laid again.
1. Kids? What kids?
You know what totally ruins Mother's Day? Kids. I don't even want to see my kids. Dads should just pretends it's "No Mothering Today" Day.
2. Empty Nest? Yes, yes and yes!
You know what is amazing when you're a stay at home mom? Time alone in your house. When the house is empty (and quiet) moms can do laundry, clean, or organize the pantry. Or they have the option of sitting in bed, watching reality TV for hours and not doing anything that resembles "mom life". You know what's wrong with that? Not a damn thing.
3. Pampering, pampering, and more pampering
Massage, facials (from a professional, you pervert) and pedis, oh my! You know why moms love the spa? It's not because of the relaxing music, the scented candles, or the comfy robes. It's because they don't allow kids. You can actually take a piss in peace and then have someone other than your 3 year old rub your feet.
4. Channel your Inner Mr. Clean
That's right, honey. You need to clean. And then do the laundry. I'm tellin' ya, this is like mom porn. Nothing turns mommy on like watching her spouse share the proverbial load. If you can actually put everything away in the correct place, you're almost guaranteed to get a happy ending.
5. Get Creative
Once you become a mom, you're required to be sentimental. It just comes with the territory. So, if you want to make your old lady swoon, help the kiddos make homemade cards to celebrate Mother's Day. You get points for being creative and you're sort of sticking it to that asshole Mr. Hallmark who made up this damn day in the first place.
So, this Mother's Day, try to do all the things your spouse/partner/girlfriend does for your entire family every single day. It will make her feel loved and it just might make you appreciate her a little bit more too.
And you should probably have a glass of wine waiting for her when she finally gets home too.
Cheers!
XOXO Tipsy Mommy
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Goodnight little house…goodnight mouse….
I can't figure out a good intro for this blog. So here goes. I HAVE A FUCKING MOUSE IN MY MOTHER FUCKING VAN.
I had a million errands to do, including getting my oil changed in the van. The appointment was supposed to take an hour but actually took two hours and they didn't even wash the car!! Is this how that other half lives??!
Anyway, I vacuum my van every Monday morning but by Tuesday afternoon it looks like we've been living in it for 3 weeks. It was a Wednesday and I had family coming into town so I decided to wash and vacuum it again. While I was picking up "debris", I found a piece of chocolate that looked like someone(thing) had gnawed the edges. I immediately knew a critter must have been in my van because a half eaten piece of chococlate just doesn't exist with my kids.
I start vacuuming and find mouse shit on the floor of the van. I immediately did the heebee jeebee high step like Clark Griswold when he figures out that Aunt Edna died in his station wagon. I can hardly bring myself to keep vacuuming, even though sucking that fucker in the shop vac is probably best case scenario. I force myself to keep vacuuming because the thought of animal feces in my van is almost as horrifying as having a rodent in there. I finish and have to drive the mouse mobile to pick the girls up at school. I rolled down all the windows for the ride. I realize this makes no sense but it made me feel a little less claustrophobic. I kept waiting for the little shit to spontaneously appear on my steering wheel and hiss at me with his teeth and claws exposed for battle.
I get home and google "rodents in vans".
I get tons of hits and realize I'm not the only person who has experienced this problem. There are multiple lists of "37 simple steps to get a rodent(s) out of your car". Here are the highlights.
1. "Remove rodent hiding-places next to your car. Cut down shrubbery and vines."
Hold on…is "cutting down the forest next to my garage" really a feasible option for people??!!
2. "Remove food sources from car…"
You're basically asking me to get rid of my children. I could probably be convinced but my husband will veto that shit in a heartbeat.
3. "Park with the hood up so the rodent doesn't have a dark place to hide"
This might be an option…if I actually knew how to open it.
4. "Use traps. Baits risk poisoning."
Are you a fucking moron? I could care less if this fucker gets poisoned! I'm actually willing to risk poisoning my kid to guarantee that this thing isn't going to fly across my dash on I-71.
5. "Use strong-smelling substances such as powdered fox urine, used cat litter, cat hair, Pine-Sol, Irish Spring soap, and red pepper."
First of all, Irish Spring soap users across the world should be outraged. Secondly, how the fuck do you "powder" fox urine? I mean, is that a thing? Used cat litter? I. Have. No. Words.
6. "Use electronic deterrent devices. Some have had success with ultrasound devices, others swear by the strobe-light-emitting 'mouse blocker'.”
Wait, a strobe light in my van? I can't decide if I'm more likely to find one of those at Spencer's or Home Depot. And WTF is an ultra sound machine? If the mouse can tolerate the sound of my kids losing their ever living minds because the hot spot on their iPad isn't working, then I don't think this ultra sound situation is going to work.
I settle for a thorough interior detail at the Toyota dealership and tell them I'll slip them an extra c note if they can bring me the carcus of the mouse when they're finished. If they fail at their apprehension mission, I'm going to try to convince my husband that a new van is going to way less painful than listening to me bitch about driving around a rodent infested swagger wagon.
Wish me luck and pour me a double, please.
I get home and google "rodents in vans".
I get tons of hits and realize I'm not the only person who has experienced this problem. There are multiple lists of "37 simple steps to get a rodent(s) out of your car". Here are the highlights.
1. "Remove rodent hiding-places next to your car. Cut down shrubbery and vines."
Hold on…is "cutting down the forest next to my garage" really a feasible option for people??!!
2. "Remove food sources from car…"
You're basically asking me to get rid of my children. I could probably be convinced but my husband will veto that shit in a heartbeat.
3. "Park with the hood up so the rodent doesn't have a dark place to hide"
This might be an option…if I actually knew how to open it.
4. "Use traps. Baits risk poisoning."
Are you a fucking moron? I could care less if this fucker gets poisoned! I'm actually willing to risk poisoning my kid to guarantee that this thing isn't going to fly across my dash on I-71.
5. "Use strong-smelling substances such as powdered fox urine, used cat litter, cat hair, Pine-Sol, Irish Spring soap, and red pepper."
First of all, Irish Spring soap users across the world should be outraged. Secondly, how the fuck do you "powder" fox urine? I mean, is that a thing? Used cat litter? I. Have. No. Words.
6. "Use electronic deterrent devices. Some have had success with ultrasound devices, others swear by the strobe-light-emitting 'mouse blocker'.”
Wait, a strobe light in my van? I can't decide if I'm more likely to find one of those at Spencer's or Home Depot. And WTF is an ultra sound machine? If the mouse can tolerate the sound of my kids losing their ever living minds because the hot spot on their iPad isn't working, then I don't think this ultra sound situation is going to work.
I settle for a thorough interior detail at the Toyota dealership and tell them I'll slip them an extra c note if they can bring me the carcus of the mouse when they're finished. If they fail at their apprehension mission, I'm going to try to convince my husband that a new van is going to way less painful than listening to me bitch about driving around a rodent infested swagger wagon.
Wish me luck and pour me a double, please.
xoxo,
Tipsy Mommy
Thursday, April 21, 2016
I hate you summer...
Here are the top reasons my family might not survive summer.
1. Mommy has to wear a swimsuit.
I "kept that shit tight" after my 1st and 2nd kids. The girls nursed like champs so I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't have to work too hard in the gym. And then "the baby" came along. The extra pounds from baby #3 are like a stage 5 cling on. I skated through last summer in a bikini because I never took off my cover up. However, since all of these lunatics are going to want some water action this summer, I actually have to get in the water (but I REFUSE to get my hair wet). I tried on my bikini to see what I was up against. I thought I might be able to whip myself into shape by only consuming celery and wine for the next 6 weeks but I don't think it's gonna happen. So….I'm officially in the market for a one piece. There are only a couple options….the Miracle Suit or some sort of skirted situation. We all know you can't go the skirt route until your late 50's, so the Miracle Suit was the winner.
I ordered a few online so I could try them in the privacy of my dimly lit, super slanted full length mirror (you know, exactly like it will be at the pool this summer). I have to admit, its pretty amazing how much better I look with a little ruching and a shit ton compression in the gut area. But I'm totally gonna be pissing in the pool because there is NO WAY I'm gonna be able to get that thing off when it's wet. #whyisthewateralwayswarmbymeg?
2. SPF 900
I can describe my summer self in three words. Pale, freckles, redhead. I got the triple whammy in the alabaster curse. There is no "tan mom" in this house. I alternate between Elmers Paste and Red Lobster Glow. The 10,000 freckles I have are the icing on this uber white cake.
3. White Pants
We all want to wear white pants. You probably think white goes with EVERYTHING but that's not true. It goes with everything EXCEPT cellulite. To make matters worse, there is some unwritten rule about white pants being made out of the thinnest fabric on the planet. I'm accepting my fate. Black is the new white for this girl.
4. No School
This one shouldn't even require discussion. No school means the kids are NOT AT SCHOOL. Which means they are WITH ME. And that sucks. Why don't they call it "summer work"? Because there is no break happening in my house until those fuckers climb back on the bus in August.
5. Hot Cars, Hot Kids, Hot Everything
You might have forgotten the dirty little secret about summer…it's hotter than satan's armpit. I find myself thinking, "Oooh! It's summer! I can't wait to burn my bare legs on boiling leather seats and hear my kids throw a shit fit about getting in the car because it feels like the f'ing equator in there."
But summer is coming, whether or like it not. So, I'm going to enjoy the last few weeks of weather that still requires 90% of my body to be covered by clothing. Once summer hits, I'm going focus on beating the heat with a joint team of miracle suits and frozen drinks with umbrellas in them. Who's in?!?!
Cheers!
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
1. Mommy has to wear a swimsuit.
I "kept that shit tight" after my 1st and 2nd kids. The girls nursed like champs so I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't have to work too hard in the gym. And then "the baby" came along. The extra pounds from baby #3 are like a stage 5 cling on. I skated through last summer in a bikini because I never took off my cover up. However, since all of these lunatics are going to want some water action this summer, I actually have to get in the water (but I REFUSE to get my hair wet). I tried on my bikini to see what I was up against. I thought I might be able to whip myself into shape by only consuming celery and wine for the next 6 weeks but I don't think it's gonna happen. So….I'm officially in the market for a one piece. There are only a couple options….the Miracle Suit or some sort of skirted situation. We all know you can't go the skirt route until your late 50's, so the Miracle Suit was the winner.
I ordered a few online so I could try them in the privacy of my dimly lit, super slanted full length mirror (you know, exactly like it will be at the pool this summer). I have to admit, its pretty amazing how much better I look with a little ruching and a shit ton compression in the gut area. But I'm totally gonna be pissing in the pool because there is NO WAY I'm gonna be able to get that thing off when it's wet. #whyisthewateralwayswarmbymeg?
2. SPF 900
I can describe my summer self in three words. Pale, freckles, redhead. I got the triple whammy in the alabaster curse. There is no "tan mom" in this house. I alternate between Elmers Paste and Red Lobster Glow. The 10,000 freckles I have are the icing on this uber white cake.
3. White Pants
We all want to wear white pants. You probably think white goes with EVERYTHING but that's not true. It goes with everything EXCEPT cellulite. To make matters worse, there is some unwritten rule about white pants being made out of the thinnest fabric on the planet. I'm accepting my fate. Black is the new white for this girl.
4. No School
This one shouldn't even require discussion. No school means the kids are NOT AT SCHOOL. Which means they are WITH ME. And that sucks. Why don't they call it "summer work"? Because there is no break happening in my house until those fuckers climb back on the bus in August.
5. Hot Cars, Hot Kids, Hot Everything
You might have forgotten the dirty little secret about summer…it's hotter than satan's armpit. I find myself thinking, "Oooh! It's summer! I can't wait to burn my bare legs on boiling leather seats and hear my kids throw a shit fit about getting in the car because it feels like the f'ing equator in there."
But summer is coming, whether or like it not. So, I'm going to enjoy the last few weeks of weather that still requires 90% of my body to be covered by clothing. Once summer hits, I'm going focus on beating the heat with a joint team of miracle suits and frozen drinks with umbrellas in them. Who's in?!?!
Cheers!
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
Friday, April 8, 2016
The Buckle Battle...
I had three kids in three and a half years. My oldest is (almost) five and a half. I cherish my kids. I know I'm lucky to have them because so many people try to conceive/adopt/etc but aren't able to…blah blah blah. But sometimes being a parent sucks. But not at the times when you think. When they're sick it's hard, but it feels so good to be able to comfort them, cuddle them, and "mom" them. When they're naughty it's hard, but those will be the things we will laugh about in 20 years. The parenting annoyances at this stage come from one thing. Car seats.
Can the world please be a f'ing drive thru? I want to drive thru for everything. Coffee, lunch, dinner, wine…everything. It literally takes me 15 minutes to get these bastards situated in my car. FIF TEEN MIN UTES. And that's assuming everyone is in a good mood which we know NEVER happens.
Here are top five reasons that car seats are ruining my life.
1. Buh bye coffee runs
You don't realize that each drink takes approximately 58 seconds for a barista to make, UNLESS you're standing in a line of 10 people with your three toddlers. And I would like to thank Mr. Starbucks for strategically placing the incredibly over priced "snacks" at prime "toddler level" in line. It would literally cost me $17.67 per day if I lugged these little shits into Starbucks every morning. And it would take 31 minutes. Thanks, but no thanks.
2. Airplane Travel
Ok, I'm not even THINKING about actually lugging those things on the plane so my kids can sit in them, but they still f'ing ruin airline travel. Car seats basically add 14 steps to airline travel. You have to take them out of your car once you get them into the airport, put them in bags (#germphobe), lug them into baggage drop, and then repeat the ENTIRE process once you arrive at your destination. The alternative is that you could spend $20 per day, per seat to rent the germ infested ones that don't come with a manual but are NOTHING like the ones you have at home, thus taking EVEN LONGER to install. Let me think…NO!
3. Germphobe
The only thing worse than installing car seats is cleaning them. Every time I do it, I find a food item that has been there so long it's literally beyond the point of recognition. I convince myself it's just an old graham cracker but there's a good chance that it's actually a piece of turkey that has been transformed. Remind me to start a car seat detailing business when I'm done with the whole parenting thing.
4. The Arched F'ing Back Move
I agree, this isn't technically the car seats fault, but I don't feel like this shit goes down in the "post car seat" years. These episodes prove that toddlers actually have super sonic strength. I feel like they could literally move my van with their torso. There is only one thing that can defeat the toddler back arch….an adult knee to the f'ing gut. Truthfully, I've never done this but I'm telling ya, it's been a close call on a couple of occasions.
5. Independence
That moment when they decide they want to start buckling on their own. Lord Jesus. Believe me, I can defeat there arched back moves in WAY LESS time than it takes three toddlers to buckle themselves. And the arched back move has a lot less risk of the super time consuming "my finner got pinched by the buckle!" scenarios.
In the grand scheme of things, even though this is sky high on the "shit that annoys mom" list right now, it will be a distant memory before I know it. So, I'm going to cherish the parenting moments that melt my heart and TRY not to wish time away when it feels hard (because "they're only little once"). And I'll continue to use those damn car seats as my excuse to have a glass wine after the little shits are tucked in their beds….
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
Can the world please be a f'ing drive thru? I want to drive thru for everything. Coffee, lunch, dinner, wine…everything. It literally takes me 15 minutes to get these bastards situated in my car. FIF TEEN MIN UTES. And that's assuming everyone is in a good mood which we know NEVER happens.
Here are top five reasons that car seats are ruining my life.
1. Buh bye coffee runs
You don't realize that each drink takes approximately 58 seconds for a barista to make, UNLESS you're standing in a line of 10 people with your three toddlers. And I would like to thank Mr. Starbucks for strategically placing the incredibly over priced "snacks" at prime "toddler level" in line. It would literally cost me $17.67 per day if I lugged these little shits into Starbucks every morning. And it would take 31 minutes. Thanks, but no thanks.
2. Airplane Travel
Ok, I'm not even THINKING about actually lugging those things on the plane so my kids can sit in them, but they still f'ing ruin airline travel. Car seats basically add 14 steps to airline travel. You have to take them out of your car once you get them into the airport, put them in bags (#germphobe), lug them into baggage drop, and then repeat the ENTIRE process once you arrive at your destination. The alternative is that you could spend $20 per day, per seat to rent the germ infested ones that don't come with a manual but are NOTHING like the ones you have at home, thus taking EVEN LONGER to install. Let me think…NO!
3. Germphobe
The only thing worse than installing car seats is cleaning them. Every time I do it, I find a food item that has been there so long it's literally beyond the point of recognition. I convince myself it's just an old graham cracker but there's a good chance that it's actually a piece of turkey that has been transformed. Remind me to start a car seat detailing business when I'm done with the whole parenting thing.
4. The Arched F'ing Back Move
I agree, this isn't technically the car seats fault, but I don't feel like this shit goes down in the "post car seat" years. These episodes prove that toddlers actually have super sonic strength. I feel like they could literally move my van with their torso. There is only one thing that can defeat the toddler back arch….an adult knee to the f'ing gut. Truthfully, I've never done this but I'm telling ya, it's been a close call on a couple of occasions.
5. Independence
That moment when they decide they want to start buckling on their own. Lord Jesus. Believe me, I can defeat there arched back moves in WAY LESS time than it takes three toddlers to buckle themselves. And the arched back move has a lot less risk of the super time consuming "my finner got pinched by the buckle!" scenarios.
In the grand scheme of things, even though this is sky high on the "shit that annoys mom" list right now, it will be a distant memory before I know it. So, I'm going to cherish the parenting moments that melt my heart and TRY not to wish time away when it feels hard (because "they're only little once"). And I'll continue to use those damn car seats as my excuse to have a glass wine after the little shits are tucked in their beds….
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
Thursday, March 17, 2016
I'm a Botox virgin, I'm scared to death, and I have wine in my pocket….
One of my friends is turning 40 this year and she decided she was going to try Botox. I invited myself to tag along and try it out. We settled on Dr. Ginger Hensen at @Cincinnati Eye Institute. Dr. Hensen is an eye surgeon so she literally does botox in between "put eyeball back in socket" appointments so she seemed qualified.
I was nervous, but I wasn't nervous about the pain. My epidurals didn't work for my kids so Botox was going to be a walk in the park. My biggest fear was that I would die. I googled "botox related deaths" "death by botox" and every imaginable version of that search in the weeks leading up to my appointment. #WebMD actually gave me an honorary online degree after about three weeks of this nonsense. I started off the appointment saying "If I'm the first #Botox death on record, I'm gonna be pissed."
Dr Hensen was great. She patiently answered our questions and explained the procedure. I offered her a pull off my TSA size wine bottle and she declined, which I thought was very professional. She politely laughed at my joke about "sharing needles (with my friend) to save money" but you could tell she takes her job very seriously. It almost deterred me from non stop sarcasm….almost. Perhaps the most impressive thing about Dr. Hensen is that both of us mentioned areas where we thought needed Botox and she agreed in some areas and discouraged us from doing it on other areas. Kudos to honesty, doc. She did make us feel like wimps for requesting numbing cream but I couldn't blame her for that one.
If you're thinking about trying Botox, here are some tips:
1. Go with someone older. It's better when you go with an older friend. The "doesn't she need more because she's older?" and "how much more is she getting than me?" jokes never get old.
2. Bring Alcohol. Everything is better with booze.
3. Don't tell your husband. Most of my friends say their husbands didn't want them to get Botox because they were worried it would look "plastic" or "fake". The reality is, men are so clueless about this crap that most of them probably wouldn't even notice if you didn't tell them.
4. Read the waiver form. Not because the information is relevant, but because it's hysterical. It explains that you might experience "asymmetry" and advises you to "stay upright for at least four hours". There goes that five hour nap I had planned this afternoon.
5. Look the part. I threw on yoga gear and my "I love camping" sweatshirt and I'm not gonna lie…I felt under dressed. I'd recommend throwing on some rouge and lipstick too.
6. Skip the numbing cream. Because it makes you look like a pussy.
Overall I thought it was a fun experience and I would recommend trying it if you have some disposable income and you're too lazy to stick with an anti-aging skin care regimen.
I'd give you my "Cheers to Thirsty Thursday" look but I can't move my forehead.
XOXO- Tipsy Mommy
I was nervous, but I wasn't nervous about the pain. My epidurals didn't work for my kids so Botox was going to be a walk in the park. My biggest fear was that I would die. I googled "botox related deaths" "death by botox" and every imaginable version of that search in the weeks leading up to my appointment. #WebMD actually gave me an honorary online degree after about three weeks of this nonsense. I started off the appointment saying "If I'm the first #Botox death on record, I'm gonna be pissed."
Dr Hensen was great. She patiently answered our questions and explained the procedure. I offered her a pull off my TSA size wine bottle and she declined, which I thought was very professional. She politely laughed at my joke about "sharing needles (with my friend) to save money" but you could tell she takes her job very seriously. It almost deterred me from non stop sarcasm….almost. Perhaps the most impressive thing about Dr. Hensen is that both of us mentioned areas where we thought needed Botox and she agreed in some areas and discouraged us from doing it on other areas. Kudos to honesty, doc. She did make us feel like wimps for requesting numbing cream but I couldn't blame her for that one.
If you're thinking about trying Botox, here are some tips:
1. Go with someone older. It's better when you go with an older friend. The "doesn't she need more because she's older?" and "how much more is she getting than me?" jokes never get old.
2. Bring Alcohol. Everything is better with booze.
3. Don't tell your husband. Most of my friends say their husbands didn't want them to get Botox because they were worried it would look "plastic" or "fake". The reality is, men are so clueless about this crap that most of them probably wouldn't even notice if you didn't tell them.
4. Read the waiver form. Not because the information is relevant, but because it's hysterical. It explains that you might experience "asymmetry" and advises you to "stay upright for at least four hours". There goes that five hour nap I had planned this afternoon.
5. Look the part. I threw on yoga gear and my "I love camping" sweatshirt and I'm not gonna lie…I felt under dressed. I'd recommend throwing on some rouge and lipstick too.
6. Skip the numbing cream. Because it makes you look like a pussy.
Overall I thought it was a fun experience and I would recommend trying it if you have some disposable income and you're too lazy to stick with an anti-aging skin care regimen.
I'd give you my "Cheers to Thirsty Thursday" look but I can't move my forehead.
XOXO- Tipsy Mommy
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Nanny Diaries...
If you're a working mom with toddlers, you've contemplated various child care options for your kids. I opted for the nanny route for a few different reasons. We've had our current nanny for 3 and a half years and she is perfect for us. However, the road to family/nanny compatibility was a rough one and I didn't get it right on the first…or second…or even the third try. Here's a re cap...
August
I'm not having my first child for two more months, however, I'm anxious to get everything "organized" so I meet with various nanny agencies. I decide to use Above and Beyond Nannies and pay an outrageous fee for "access" to their "exceptional" candidate pool.
September
After interviewing 13 candidates who were pre-selected by the agency, I decide on a "granny nanny" who meets my 200 rule (age plus weight must be at least 200-- it's a simple, yet effective formula). I picture the baby and "Nana Cathy" cuddling on the couch with infant approved books and a sparkling clean kitchen every day when I get home.
October
The baby is here! Nana Cathy starts and it's sort of like what I pictured but there are a few key differences. For example, she didn't breast feed her kids and I caught her throwing away breast milk on multiple occasions. Nothing makes a new mama want to cut a bitch more than wasting breast milk. She didn't seem to understand my attachment to the liquid gold until I said "I have to remove that shit from my body with a f'ing machine that makes me look and sound like a cow….if you throw it out again, you're fired!"
She did clean the kitchen but also spent hours talking on the phone and watching Barefoot Contessa on the cooking channel while the baby sat in her bouncy seat.
Old people also want lots of workplace accommodations….
"My back hurts from bending over the changing table…can you get a taller one?"
"I don't like to drive at night, can you get home early today?"
We hit the point of no return quickly. After a few months, I started exclusively referring to her as "shit for brains" behind her back but remembered, for the most part, to use her actual name during interactions.
March
Unfortunately, the generation gap didn't end with breast milk. Granny nanny (aka shit for brains) raised her kids in the "no car seat" era. It seems obvious to most people that technology advances are annoying in some areas but absolutely critical in other areas, like car seats. She decided to go for a spin in her car with my kid on her lap in the DRIVER seat and then was dumb enough to tell me about it when I got home. I did what any reasonable person would do. I said "are you f'ing kidding me? you have complete shit for brains. you're fired". It felt good to finally get that off my chest.
And now Nanny 2.0 search begins...
March (later that day...)
I called the nanny agency and explained that I terminated the nanny they referred to me 5 months ago because she is a fucking moron. Now that I had some experience with a nanny, I realized there were some additional requirements I wanted to outline. Some of them should have been obvious, such as car seat usage requirement, no TV for my infant, no union type workplace requests, etc but I specifically outlined them anyway. They assured me they had countless candidates that would be perfect (for real this time!) for our family and promised to send me some resumes.
Two Days Later
Still waiting for said resumes from agency.
A Week Later
A slew of resumes arrive. They have "questionnaires" each of the nanny candidates have completed. Most of them are photocopies of hand written responses which seemed a little behind the times. Once I got past the ridiculousness of hand written information, I started actually reading them and hilarity ensued. Here is a exact quote from one of the resumes that is a real gem.
Question 26: Are you eligible to work in the US? Applicant Response "Yes"
Question 27: Do you have a Visa? If so, what kind? Applicant Response "Yes. Debit Card"
Out. Standing.
I continue through the list and ignore all the spelling errors. After all, my kid was only 4 months old. She'll learn how to spell in Kindergarten. I settle on a girl who was a preschool teacher. She showed up for the interview 3 minutes late. I have an unhealthy obsession with timeliness so this was a huge red flag for me. But she showed up with toys for the kids and they loved her. She had another offer that was expiring in two days so I had the make a quick decision. I decided to hire her. Her stint was even shorter than shit for brains but, shockingly, her on the job offenses were even more impressive.
Incident #1. She put her phone on the counter. I didn't LOOK at it, I just happen to "notice" it. Imagine my surprise when I notice that she has a picture of John (my husband) as her screen saver. Not one to shy away from confrontation, I say "Wow, nice pic of my husband on your screen saver". I have to admit, she shocked me with her response! She smiles and says "I know, right?" I couldn't muster a response but thought quietly, this is why I have the 200 rule.
August
I'm not having my first child for two more months, however, I'm anxious to get everything "organized" so I meet with various nanny agencies. I decide to use Above and Beyond Nannies and pay an outrageous fee for "access" to their "exceptional" candidate pool.
September
After interviewing 13 candidates who were pre-selected by the agency, I decide on a "granny nanny" who meets my 200 rule (age plus weight must be at least 200-- it's a simple, yet effective formula). I picture the baby and "Nana Cathy" cuddling on the couch with infant approved books and a sparkling clean kitchen every day when I get home.
October
The baby is here! Nana Cathy starts and it's sort of like what I pictured but there are a few key differences. For example, she didn't breast feed her kids and I caught her throwing away breast milk on multiple occasions. Nothing makes a new mama want to cut a bitch more than wasting breast milk. She didn't seem to understand my attachment to the liquid gold until I said "I have to remove that shit from my body with a f'ing machine that makes me look and sound like a cow….if you throw it out again, you're fired!"
She did clean the kitchen but also spent hours talking on the phone and watching Barefoot Contessa on the cooking channel while the baby sat in her bouncy seat.
Old people also want lots of workplace accommodations….
"My back hurts from bending over the changing table…can you get a taller one?"
"I don't like to drive at night, can you get home early today?"
We hit the point of no return quickly. After a few months, I started exclusively referring to her as "shit for brains" behind her back but remembered, for the most part, to use her actual name during interactions.
March
Unfortunately, the generation gap didn't end with breast milk. Granny nanny (aka shit for brains) raised her kids in the "no car seat" era. It seems obvious to most people that technology advances are annoying in some areas but absolutely critical in other areas, like car seats. She decided to go for a spin in her car with my kid on her lap in the DRIVER seat and then was dumb enough to tell me about it when I got home. I did what any reasonable person would do. I said "are you f'ing kidding me? you have complete shit for brains. you're fired". It felt good to finally get that off my chest.
And now Nanny 2.0 search begins...
March (later that day...)
I called the nanny agency and explained that I terminated the nanny they referred to me 5 months ago because she is a fucking moron. Now that I had some experience with a nanny, I realized there were some additional requirements I wanted to outline. Some of them should have been obvious, such as car seat usage requirement, no TV for my infant, no union type workplace requests, etc but I specifically outlined them anyway. They assured me they had countless candidates that would be perfect (for real this time!) for our family and promised to send me some resumes.
Two Days Later
Still waiting for said resumes from agency.
A Week Later
A slew of resumes arrive. They have "questionnaires" each of the nanny candidates have completed. Most of them are photocopies of hand written responses which seemed a little behind the times. Once I got past the ridiculousness of hand written information, I started actually reading them and hilarity ensued. Here is a exact quote from one of the resumes that is a real gem.
Question 26: Are you eligible to work in the US? Applicant Response "Yes"
Question 27: Do you have a Visa? If so, what kind? Applicant Response "Yes. Debit Card"
Out. Standing.
I continue through the list and ignore all the spelling errors. After all, my kid was only 4 months old. She'll learn how to spell in Kindergarten. I settle on a girl who was a preschool teacher. She showed up for the interview 3 minutes late. I have an unhealthy obsession with timeliness so this was a huge red flag for me. But she showed up with toys for the kids and they loved her. She had another offer that was expiring in two days so I had the make a quick decision. I decided to hire her. Her stint was even shorter than shit for brains but, shockingly, her on the job offenses were even more impressive.
Incident #1. She put her phone on the counter. I didn't LOOK at it, I just happen to "notice" it. Imagine my surprise when I notice that she has a picture of John (my husband) as her screen saver. Not one to shy away from confrontation, I say "Wow, nice pic of my husband on your screen saver". I have to admit, she shocked me with her response! She smiles and says "I know, right?" I couldn't muster a response but thought quietly, this is why I have the 200 rule.
Incident #2- the drunk dial. To be fair, she wasn't working that day but it was only 4 pm and she was blitzed. I finally just hung up after she slurred "ohmygod....iseeerooiuslyloveyouguyzsss!" for the 5th time. I was just glad she included the whole family instead of just John.
Incident #3. The salary discussion. She tried to negotiate a higher rate when I hired her. I told her no but said we could revisit it after I got a better feel for her performance. She continued to show up late (and usually hung over) so when she asked for a raise I said no. She quickly replied "don't you need to ask John?" I didn't even justify it with a response. That bitch had a lot to learn.
The straw that broke the camels back was when she called in sick on a Monday morning saying she "got food poisoning at the Renaissance festival". This seemed a tad far fetched so I decided to creep on her Facebook page (even though we weren't FB friends). Imagine my surprise when I realized she posted pics with friends and wine at 10 pm.
I didn't even call her to fire her. I did it via text. She said "I'm sick today". I responded "thanks for letting me know. Oh and your Renaissance festival pics on FB were super cute. Oh, and you're fired".
After all, I can't be associated with people who can't handle their wine....
Xoxo tipsy mommy
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Hail to Dr. Seuss….
Happy Dr. Seuss Day! If you have kids, you have read a Dr. Seuss book…or twelve.
The Top 5 Reasons I Try to Avoid Dr. Seuss Books
1. Too Tired for Tongue Twisters
I don't know who technically invented the "tongue twister" but this Seuss dude mastered it. I wonder if I could do a better job with the tongue twisters after a glass or two of wine.
2. I'm Trying To Cut Back on Profanity
Seriously, if you can read this passage without accidentally saying the word dick, you have a gift.
3. End of Day Attention Span
Nah, in my head, I think about my three toddlers who are all still in car seats and I see "Oh the places you WON'T go"…..the list includes anything that doesn't have a drive thru. And church.
4. Career Limiting Lyrics
What in the hell was he trying to accomplish with "Put Me in the Zoo" book? An entire book about a unidentifiable animal who wants to be in the zoo and then sets his sights even higher and lands in the circus?? Have another hit, Doc.
5. Poor Life Choices
If you don't realize that "Go Dog Go" is about pot heads driving to a frat party, you're crazy.
And The Cat in the Hat has definitely landed him on the "Most Wanted List" by Child Protective Services.
If I'm reading this correctly, two toddlers were left home alone all day. It was raining and a strange man, dressed as a cat, showed up and played "make believe" games with them all day? Dateline would have a field day with this one.
6. Hidden Messages
Ok, I said 5, but ended with 6.
I was inspired by one of his pix.
Clearly this pic, was meant for me.
It might be meant for you too, that's fine.
The Yink likes to drink.
And his drink is pink.
He's talking about wine.
That's what I think.
Kids loves his books because they have so many funny words. They work for older kids too because they talk about emotions in a silly, yet effective way. While Dr. Suess is one of the most successful authors of all time, I have to admit, as a parent, they aren't my favorite books to read...
The Top 5 Reasons I Try to Avoid Dr. Seuss Books
1. Too Tired for Tongue Twisters
I don't know who technically invented the "tongue twister" but this Seuss dude mastered it. I wonder if I could do a better job with the tongue twisters after a glass or two of wine.
2. I'm Trying To Cut Back on Profanity
Seriously, if you can read this passage without accidentally saying the word dick, you have a gift.
3. End of Day Attention Span
At the end of a long day, I find myself reading the words on the page but changing them in my head to make it a little more applicable to life as a stay at home mom…
Nah, in my head, I think about my three toddlers who are all still in car seats and I see "Oh the places you WON'T go"…..the list includes anything that doesn't have a drive thru. And church.
4. Career Limiting Lyrics
What in the hell was he trying to accomplish with "Put Me in the Zoo" book? An entire book about a unidentifiable animal who wants to be in the zoo and then sets his sights even higher and lands in the circus?? Have another hit, Doc.
5. Poor Life Choices
If you don't realize that "Go Dog Go" is about pot heads driving to a frat party, you're crazy.
And The Cat in the Hat has definitely landed him on the "Most Wanted List" by Child Protective Services.
If I'm reading this correctly, two toddlers were left home alone all day. It was raining and a strange man, dressed as a cat, showed up and played "make believe" games with them all day? Dateline would have a field day with this one.
6. Hidden Messages
Ok, I said 5, but ended with 6.
I was inspired by one of his pix.
Clearly this pic, was meant for me.
It might be meant for you too, that's fine.
The Yink likes to drink.
And his drink is pink.
He's talking about wine.
That's what I think.
May Dr. Seuss Day be filled with friends like Yink and fun pink stuff to drink.
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
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