I've been amazed at how many people actually read a political post written by someone who calls herself Tipsy Mommy. I'm even more amazed that some people took the time to email/message me with feedback.
I got a few messages explaining that I left out some very important issues in my original blog and they suggested that I needed to research those before I rule out voting for either candidate. Given my self diagnosed ADHD, I can't say I blame them for assuming that I stopped halfway through my research and started watching funny cat videos on You Tube instead. However, I'm happy to report that I actually HAVE contemplated most of the hot button issues, even though I didn't spell them out in my blog. I am thrilled that at least 2 people are happy to read a 15 page dissertation written by Tipsy Mommy about the current shit show that we call the political process.
So, here's my take on which candidate seems to have shit figured out in (some of) the key issues this election.
1. Foreign Affairs
They even cover this sort of shit in US Weekly, so it's obviously on my radar. For the most part, Hillary is the clear winner in this department. I know Trump hates ISIS (at least he's got THAT going for him) but I think the extent of his expertise on the middle east is that he visited there once and it was BEAUTIFUL and that he got along quite well with all the people who lived there.
Trump is definitely a wild card here but I can appreciate his sentiment. We probably need to grow a set of balls that lines up with the size of our bank roll and figure out a way to be in charge of the playground again. And Trump has really been effective at highlighting some horrible trade deals that have been negotiated by career politicians so perhaps we could add that one to our "notes for next year".
VERDICT: HER
2. The Economy
I feel like I sort of addressed this in my last blog? Maybe not? Trump is the winner here. Hands. Down. Please don't do the whole "he filed for bankruptcy" business cuz it's weak. Super weak. Just for background, Trump avoided taxes LEGALLY and, ironically, it was because of legislation put in place by your buddy BARACK OBAMA to stimulate the economy. I'm sure this is somehow Bush's fault, even though the OTHER Clinton, in between cigar sessions, is the one who allowed no income verification loans through Fannie and Freddie which played a HUGE role in the fall of the economy. And don't try to tell me that Clinton was an economic genius because we were so prosperous during his reign. A main driver in the economy was the fact that the INTERNET WAS INVENTED!!! And, no, Al Gore can NOT take credit for it. Oh, and the "trumps clothing line is made in Chiiiinnnnaa". Yeah, and that's less than ONE TENTH OF A PERCENT of his entire empire. The huge portion of his empire is in BUILDINGS in the good ol' US of A.
I know people think we should tax the shit out of corporations but the problem with those damn for profit enterprises is that their only purpose is to make money. So, if we raise taxes on business (whether they're small or huge), they have to make cuts elsewhere. This is a concept that the American people can't always grasp because they treat credit cards with the same disregard that we treat the National Debt. The art of budgeting and living within our means has fallen by the wayside for the American people and without a doubt, it's long gone for the government. However, it's alive and well in the business world so increased taxes means they look for cheaper ways to get things done. This might mean off shoring call centers, factories and distribution centers. These are MIDDLE CLASS jobs that are lost and the wealth gap in this country gets worse.
VERDICT: The Donald
3. Immigration and Guns
I lump these together because, in my opinion, they need to be treated in a similar manner. We can't have full access and we can't have no access.
Guns: You're a complete lunatic if you don't agree that we need common sense gun control. But you're equally delusional if you think that LAWS will keep people from obtaining guns. The crappy thing about criminals is that we just can't seem to get them to follow the laws. Weird.
BUT, the whole "we need guns to protect ourselves" is also moronic (is that a word?). Unless you are trained by the military or in law enforcement, you have almost a ZERO PERCENT chance of effectively using a gun to defend yourself. However, there is an argument for allowing law abiding citizens to bear arms. First and foremost, it's in the Constitution (well, literally in the bill of rights but, whateves). When you talk about something that important, it seems like trying to regulate it is probably a little easier to tackle than taking it out altogether. My family cares about the second amendment because they're hunters. I get that, and I respect that. So let the argument be that people need guns for recreational purposes because deer are a real problem. If you don't think they are, you've obviously never totaled your car by accidentally hitting one.
Immigration: I mean, the "big beautiful door" would likely become the 8th wonder of the world so maybe we should do it?! We need something more than nothing. And we can be compassionate to people around the world who need our help and our protection without being naive.
Verdict: We are totally screwed.
4. Social Issues
I'm socially liberal. For example: Gay Marriage. I personally discourage ANYONE from getting married cuz it totally sucks, but, if someone wants to do it and they're having an open bar, I'm in. I don't care about any of the other details.
I'm pro life because I have babies and heart beat means life to me. But I don't think that means everyone else has to be pro life. And the reality is, the time and money that would be spent trying to enforce anti-abortion laws, even with some of the "exceptions" republicans claims to support, is just not feasible. Not to mention the absolute anguish it would cause the mother.
I think a handful of social issues are driven by poverty, which could be partially resolved by creating more jobs, incentivizing companies to keep jobs/production/distribution in the US instead of sending it overseas.
Sexism. I feel like any inequity I received at a job was because I was generally inappropriate and annoying. Not because I'm a chick. However, sexism exists and that's probably not okay.
My household is most impacted by fiscal policy so that is what drives my vote. And, no, I'm not one of those fiscal conservatives who thinks we can save billions by focusing on waste, fraud, and abuse. It's a small fraction of one of the many versions of that damn graph that everyone alters and then sends around with the official government seal on it. But there is some low hanging fruit that we should really just deal with. Like, for example, GOVERNMENT PENSIONS. I mean, come on people, this is such an archaic concept that companies don't even offer them anymore. And, in general, I don't think throwing more people at a problem (i.e growing the government) ever helps solve it.
VERDICT: So f'ing screwed.
If you have a candidate you feel strongly about, I envy you. I know I'm not the only one who feels like I am faced with two bad choices for our President. I am a (sort of) informed voter just begging for one of these candidates to prove they are worthy of my vote. And neither of them have done that. I'll probably end up voting for the lesser of the two evils (whatever that means) but I'm not going to like it.
In the meantime, I'm going to send the RNC a quick email and let them know that we have another election in four years and if they haven't started contemplating their candidate pool, they're already late.
And stay tuned for Tipsy Mommy's election coverage in Ohio which I'll be doing via FB Live! I hope I don't get shot!!
TIPSY MOMMY FOR POTUS!!
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
The Candidates Suck....VOTE WINE!
*Prepare for political rant from a mildly politically educated person who doesn't really mesh with one party but has historically voted Republican*
This political process is so disheartening. Context regarding comments is important. It makes a difference in determining what people might have meant when they made a certain comment. The way both candidates are using sound bytes to inaccurately portray the other one is so wrong. And it's so sad that this is considered fair game in our political process and is, without question, perpetuated by the media. And I'm amazed at how many people feel so passionately towards either candidate but can't even articulate the top 3 things that set them apart from their opponent.
This political process is so disheartening. Context regarding comments is important. It makes a difference in determining what people might have meant when they made a certain comment. The way both candidates are using sound bytes to inaccurately portray the other one is so wrong. And it's so sad that this is considered fair game in our political process and is, without question, perpetuated by the media. And I'm amazed at how many people feel so passionately towards either candidate but can't even articulate the top 3 things that set them apart from their opponent.
I have really tried to get behind Hillary but she feels so dishonest to me. I can't wrap my head around the email scandal. I keep likening it to insider trading in my public accounting days. That might not have sent me to jail, but I most likely would have lost my job. I certainly would NOT have been promoted to head of the firm. I know there are reports that say she didn't do anything wrong, but there are just as many of them saying she did. And this isn't an isolated issue of dishonesty (and no, I'm NOT getting all of my data from FOX news). And that's also part of the issue, even those voters who try to be educated are often reading garbage sound bytes from so-called news/political sites/publications. The average America voter believes 90% of what they read, without any regard for the credibility of the source. Maybe we should focus more on the 1st amendment this election and a little less on the 2nd one. And the fact that Hillary admitted that she prepared for THREE DAYS for a debate against DONALD TRUMP is embarrassing! Anyone who can list three countries in the Middle East would win a debate against him. Her laughing was likely meant to "connect" with voters, however, as an undecided voter it came across as condescending and showed me that she doesn't considerable Trump to be a legitimate opponent, despite multiple polls that indicate the opposite.
And Trump doesn't seem to have any interest in convincing the voters that he's not racist and that's a deal breaker for me. I know the whole "woman" thing is annoying to some, but, I sort of tend to agree that women are, generally speaking, super annoying. I view him as a successful business man and I think arguments trying to disclaim that are pretty weak (he clearly offers a lot of other material in terms of why he would suck as president so if you're using the "bad business man" card, you're sort of grasping at straws). When you really think about what he's done...turning a million dollar (or even multi million dollar loan per some reports) into a multi billion dollar enterprise is impressive. If you gave most people in this world $1 million, they would turn it into something LESS than $1 million (case in point: the documentary called 'Lottery Winners: Where are they now?'). Starting with something instead of nothing is easier, but it certainly doesn't make success a slam dunk. And, I'm sure he's treated employees and partners and contractors poorly in some cases. Maybe a lot of cases. But I don't think that's any different than some political indiscretions from other candidates.
I agree that if you continue to increase taxes on corporations, they will continue to shift jobs overseas and this will perpetuate the wealth gap in this country. Sure, I think CEO comp, in some cases, is probably obnoxious, but it's based on supply and demand, like everything else in this economy (except common sense). If everyone could be CEO of a Fortune 20 company, they wouldn't need to pay someone a billion dollars to do it. But the reality is, there aren't many people who can do it successfully and if they return investments to shareholders, they get rewarded. They don't get handed out $1 billion in cash for showing up every day. They get equity/stock comp and that value is dictated by the success of the company, which, in theory, is directly impacted by their performance. I feel like Trump "gets that" more than Hillary. We all benefit from successful companies and we need to cultivate that success for ALL sizes of business.
And maybe we can teach our kids how to excel at something. We can teach them that if you really want to be successful in life, you have to work harder and be smarter than everyone else instead of teaching them that everything should be equal and fair. And when are we going to stop telling every person that they should go to college? Not everyone is meant to have a college education and the trades are VITAL to our economy. One of the few things we can't offshore are the trade skills. I really don't want to have to wait for a plumber to show up from China when my sink is broken.
I'm sure lots of people will have a heyday with my post and point out all the reasons that they're right and I'm wrong. They will talk about how the news sites they read are more credible than the ones I'm reading (ps- ANYONE can post on Wikipedia, just so you know). Instead of reading articles I've shared that support my views, they'll site articles that support their points without any acknowledgement of the validity of mine. The sad thing about this political process is that each and every one of us is perpetuating it. Social media gives us this armchair power to criticize and judge and disagree without ever worrying about being respectful and kind. And, quite frankly, without having to actually back any of it up with facts.
I know really smart and kind people who are voting for Trump. And I know really smart and kind people who are voting for Hillary. And, while I can't support either of them, I will respect the freedom and choice of others to do so. And as someone who has always been so passionate about politics, I am honestly sad today. Sounds like a glass of wine is in order!
@tipsymommy for POTUS!!!
Friday, September 23, 2016
Top 6 Reasons Having Cancer Rocks
I have this friend named Katy Davenport but she's saved in my phone as "accounting katy". She was in the accounting group at work and I couldn't remember her last name when we awkwardly exchanged phone numbers. She was my roommate the night before my wedding, my running buddy, my happy hour side kick, and someone who always appreciated my totally inappropriate comments.
Katy is kind of a rockstar because she kicked the shit out of ass cancer a couple years ago. But now that shit is back. Katy faced the first round of cancer and all the shit that comes with it like a bad ass. It's a tough pill to swallow when someone tells you that you have to do it all over again. She could cry and whine and be mad and ask "why me" but instead, she's bringing her A-game to cancer's door again.
She's currently in Hawaii enjoying time with her hubby because in two short weeks she'll be going through a super shitty and uber complicated surgery at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. She'll spend ONE MONTH in MN prepping for surgery, having surgery, and recovering from surgery.
Katy is such a beautiful light, and laughter is one of her strongest weapons in this shitty battle against colon cancer. So, I asked if I could do a super inappropriate, probably controverisal, blog about cancer that might make her laugh in the face of this shitty disease. She insisted that I do it (even though I've been too chicken to post it for two months) so here it is. If you think it's insensitive or inappropriate, blame the chick with cancer.
Here are the Top 6 Reasons Having Cancer Rocks
1. People can't get mad at it you.
Why do you think I said she's the one who made me post this (possibly controversial) blog?
2. You always get the last piece of cake
I mean, you can literally take the last piece of cake, pizza, nachos, you name it. You just look at the person who is going for it and say "Is it okay if I have that instead? I have Cancer". Game. Over.
3. Three Words: Go. Fund. Me
That's right bitches, here's my website. Make it f'ing rain!
4. Cannabis
That's the medical term for weed, people! Pass me the damn brownies because I just polished off a dime bag in one sitting.
5. No Hair=No Lice
Seriously, it's not even called Lice anymore. The shit roaming the streets now is called Super Lice and nothing short of a nuclear hair bomb is gonna kill that shit.
6. Bye Bye Workouts
Chemo will either make you gain weight (even if you don't eat anything) or it will make you lose a shit ton of it without even trying. Either way, you can say adios to Planet Fitness because working out has just become a thing of the past.
As we all know, nothing on this list actually "rocks". They all completely and totally suck. And for everyone who is reading this as a healthy adult, with a healthy family, take note of how lucky you really are. Remember that things can change in an instant. Remember how our battles, though they might seem unbearable in their own way, really do pale in comparison to people who are battling this horrible disease.
So take care of yourself. Be grateful for your health. Stop complaining about superficial crap like the crappy service at your country club and how bad your wifi connection is at the pool. Start looking at how amazing these people are who are fighting this battle. My mind is blown away when I think about how Katy can be facing so much adversity but still tries to make OTHER people laugh. She still spends time making an effort with other people. She still enjoys the hell out of life. If all of us healthy people took at a page out of a cancer fighters book, we'd all be better off.
Go kick some ass cancer ass, Acctg Katy!!
XOXO
Katy is kind of a rockstar because she kicked the shit out of ass cancer a couple years ago. But now that shit is back. Katy faced the first round of cancer and all the shit that comes with it like a bad ass. It's a tough pill to swallow when someone tells you that you have to do it all over again. She could cry and whine and be mad and ask "why me" but instead, she's bringing her A-game to cancer's door again.
She's currently in Hawaii enjoying time with her hubby because in two short weeks she'll be going through a super shitty and uber complicated surgery at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. She'll spend ONE MONTH in MN prepping for surgery, having surgery, and recovering from surgery.
Katy is such a beautiful light, and laughter is one of her strongest weapons in this shitty battle against colon cancer. So, I asked if I could do a super inappropriate, probably controverisal, blog about cancer that might make her laugh in the face of this shitty disease. She insisted that I do it (even though I've been too chicken to post it for two months) so here it is. If you think it's insensitive or inappropriate, blame the chick with cancer.
Here are the Top 6 Reasons Having Cancer Rocks
1. People can't get mad at it you.
Why do you think I said she's the one who made me post this (possibly controversial) blog?
2. You always get the last piece of cake
I mean, you can literally take the last piece of cake, pizza, nachos, you name it. You just look at the person who is going for it and say "Is it okay if I have that instead? I have Cancer". Game. Over.
3. Three Words: Go. Fund. Me
That's right bitches, here's my website. Make it f'ing rain!
4. Cannabis
That's the medical term for weed, people! Pass me the damn brownies because I just polished off a dime bag in one sitting.
5. No Hair=No Lice
Seriously, it's not even called Lice anymore. The shit roaming the streets now is called Super Lice and nothing short of a nuclear hair bomb is gonna kill that shit.
6. Bye Bye Workouts
Chemo will either make you gain weight (even if you don't eat anything) or it will make you lose a shit ton of it without even trying. Either way, you can say adios to Planet Fitness because working out has just become a thing of the past.
As we all know, nothing on this list actually "rocks". They all completely and totally suck. And for everyone who is reading this as a healthy adult, with a healthy family, take note of how lucky you really are. Remember that things can change in an instant. Remember how our battles, though they might seem unbearable in their own way, really do pale in comparison to people who are battling this horrible disease.
So take care of yourself. Be grateful for your health. Stop complaining about superficial crap like the crappy service at your country club and how bad your wifi connection is at the pool. Start looking at how amazing these people are who are fighting this battle. My mind is blown away when I think about how Katy can be facing so much adversity but still tries to make OTHER people laugh. She still spends time making an effort with other people. She still enjoys the hell out of life. If all of us healthy people took at a page out of a cancer fighters book, we'd all be better off.
Go kick some ass cancer ass, Acctg Katy!!
XOXO
Friday, June 17, 2016
The 7 Kinds of Stay At Home Moms
I've done extensive research and I've decided there are 7 types of stay at home moms. Here's a summary.
1) The Baby Talk Mom (BTM)
*Literally three inches from infants face* "Hi boo boo! Ooooh! What does mommy smell? Did you make a stinky? YES YOU DID! You made a stinky!! Silly boy! Mommy still loves you boo boo! Yes, I do! I love you boo boo!" *grabs monogrammed changing pad from Pottery Barn diaper bag*
Dear BTM- You sound like a fucking lunatic and I give you 13 more days until you start talking baby talk in the sack with your husband. Love, Tipsy Mommy
2) The Zen Mom
I literally heard a mom trying to discipline her 4 year old with deep breathing.
4) The shellac mani mom
5) The Babysitter Poacher
Punishable by death in the stay at home mom world. I would literally rather have you steal my husband than my babysitter, for reals.
6) The Anti-Hellicopter Mom (aka AHM or Oblivious Mom)
I agree, "helicopter" parenting is probably a bad choice, however, anti-hellicopter moms are flirting with oblivious parenting. I once saw an AHM's kid push their stroller into the deep end of the pool while she was practicing detachment parenting at the pool bar with a martini. Good luck making it to 18, kid.
7) Drinking Mom
Now this is the kind of mom I can get behind. They have the unwritten "I won't judge if you don't judge" rule and that rule is AWESOME.
Not every mom you meet will be your type, but variety is the spice of life. I just look for the drinking moms and everything else seems to fall into place. Just sayin'….
Cheers!
Tipsy Mommy
1) The Baby Talk Mom (BTM)
*Literally three inches from infants face* "Hi boo boo! Ooooh! What does mommy smell? Did you make a stinky? YES YOU DID! You made a stinky!! Silly boy! Mommy still loves you boo boo! Yes, I do! I love you boo boo!" *grabs monogrammed changing pad from Pottery Barn diaper bag*
Dear BTM- You sound like a fucking lunatic and I give you 13 more days until you start talking baby talk in the sack with your husband. Love, Tipsy Mommy
2) The Zen Mom
I literally heard a mom trying to discipline her 4 year old with deep breathing.
"Honey, please listen to your body. Take a deep breath. Now blow out all those bad choices! That's right…blow them out! Bye bye bad choices!! Good job sweetie!!"
Guaranteed that kid will be in timeout on an organic bean bag within 7 minutes. Blow me, Zen mom.
3) The make up face, size 2, "real" clothes wearing mom
Obviously you didn't get the memo that yoga attire is our WORK UNIFORM. You wanna wear real clothes? Then get a real job, in a an office, and flaunt your tight ass there.
Guaranteed that kid will be in timeout on an organic bean bag within 7 minutes. Blow me, Zen mom.
3) The make up face, size 2, "real" clothes wearing mom
Obviously you didn't get the memo that yoga attire is our WORK UNIFORM. You wanna wear real clothes? Then get a real job, in a an office, and flaunt your tight ass there.
4) The shellac mani mom
Go fuck yourself. How do you have time to do that shit every week?
5) The Babysitter Poacher
Punishable by death in the stay at home mom world. I would literally rather have you steal my husband than my babysitter, for reals.
6) The Anti-Hellicopter Mom (aka AHM or Oblivious Mom)
I agree, "helicopter" parenting is probably a bad choice, however, anti-hellicopter moms are flirting with oblivious parenting. I once saw an AHM's kid push their stroller into the deep end of the pool while she was practicing detachment parenting at the pool bar with a martini. Good luck making it to 18, kid.
7) Drinking Mom
Now this is the kind of mom I can get behind. They have the unwritten "I won't judge if you don't judge" rule and that rule is AWESOME.
Not every mom you meet will be your type, but variety is the spice of life. I just look for the drinking moms and everything else seems to fall into place. Just sayin'….
Cheers!
Tipsy Mommy
7 Things That Made My Kids Cry This Week
The thing about kids is that they're unpredictable. Out of the blue they will say something that makes your heart swell with complete and unconditional love for them and you realize how lucky and blessed you are to be in this life. And then there are those times that you have to repeat yourself 30 f'ing times before they even acknowledge that you're talking. And then it takes another 10 times to get them to actually DO what you're asking. At least twice I day I beg my kids to stop making me sound like a nag. But, I have to admit, being ignored is a MILLION times better than the WHINING and CRYING. Here's a recap of shit that made my kids cry this week.
1. Spilled milk.
Tipsy Mommy
1. Spilled milk.
Literally, milk spilled and hysteria ensued.
2. It wasn't swimsuit day at school
Ok, I admit, there's more to this story. I got an email at 10 pm at night from my kids teacher saying it was swimsuit day at school. After mentally thinking the teachers really needed to get organized and give parents a little more notice on these things, I laid out swimsuits so I wouldn't forget to put them on in the morning.
School starts at 8:30 am. When I woke up at 8:20 I was pretty certain we were going to be late. We rolled in at 9 am with swimsuits and towels. Everyone else was wearing normal clothes. I said "Isn't it swimsuit day today?" The entire class responded in unison "It's TOMORROW". Attention to detail really isn't my strong (swim)suit.
3. I washed my kids favorite blanket.
I tried to explain the process to her like an adult. "Look kid, that thing could literally stand up on it's own because it's so disgusting. This bitch is getting cleaned, even if it means that you are going to sit in the laundry room and cry for the entire 'speed wash' cycle." Be careful what you wish for. Longest. 32. Minutes. Of. My. Life.
4. I said we could't go to Disneyworld after lunch.
What planet do these punks live on?!?!?!
What planet do these punks live on?!?!?!
5. I put junk mail in the recycling.
Apparently I didn't hear her when she said she wanted to put it in the recycling bin. And for some reason, me pulling it out, putting it in her hand and telling her she could do it actually made her cry more. Worst. Mom. Ever.
Apparently I didn't hear her when she said she wanted to put it in the recycling bin. And for some reason, me pulling it out, putting it in her hand and telling her she could do it actually made her cry more. Worst. Mom. Ever.
6. Sammi's back was hot in her car seat.
Seriously, it's gonna be a long summer. Sammi is like a freeking polar bear. It could NEVER be cold enough for her so summer is literally her worst nightmare. However, in her defense, how has the air conditioned car seat not been invented yet? Get your shit together, Graco!!
7. I didn't take a picture of her poop before I flushed it.
Wait, what?? I don't even know how that would ever be a "thing" but believe me, I will DEFINITELY take a picture next time and that shit will be on the slide show at your wedding reception. You're. Welcome.
Seriously, it's gonna be a long summer. Sammi is like a freeking polar bear. It could NEVER be cold enough for her so summer is literally her worst nightmare. However, in her defense, how has the air conditioned car seat not been invented yet? Get your shit together, Graco!!
7. I didn't take a picture of her poop before I flushed it.
Wait, what?? I don't even know how that would ever be a "thing" but believe me, I will DEFINITELY take a picture next time and that shit will be on the slide show at your wedding reception. You're. Welcome.
I might not always be able to predict what is going to set my kids off but I know that someday I'll laugh at every single thing they did that made so mad in that moment.
In the meantime, I'm going to keep my wine glass full and try to remember that one day I'm gonna look back on all of this and miss it.
Cheers!!
In the meantime, I'm going to keep my wine glass full and try to remember that one day I'm gonna look back on all of this and miss it.
Cheers!!
Tipsy Mommy
Monday, May 30, 2016
My foot locker...
My dad is a Vietnam veteran. Growing up, I didn't know much about Vietnam, other than the fact that we were not allowed to ask my dad about it. I recall him having nightmares and screaming Vietnamese in his sleep. He would abruptly wake up but I'm not sure if he realized what we saw or heard.
I love you Dad.
Meg
About a year ago, my dad was part of a committee that organized a Welcome Home event for Vietnam veterans. That weekend was more meaningful for my family than I ever imagined. It made me realize that there were a lot of things I wanted to share with my dad, but didn't really know how to do it. Whenever I have emotions that I can't quite resolve…I write. So, this one is for you, dad.
Dear Dad,
Thank you for your service to our country. Welcome home.
I learned more about you during the Vietnam reunion weekend than I knew my entire life. I heard you say that people asked you if you were scared to go over there. You told them you weren't scared because you knew you were coming home. I heard you talk about the horrific things you saw. I heard you say that you didn't even remember anything about your time there until 10 years later. I heard you talk about how your platoon leader told you to take off your uniform when you got to the airport and burn it when you got home. They said you shouldn't talk about the things you did or saw. They told you to "put it all in your foot locker and close the door". And you said that's what you did.
I learned more about you during the Vietnam reunion weekend than I knew my entire life. I heard you say that people asked you if you were scared to go over there. You told them you weren't scared because you knew you were coming home. I heard you talk about the horrific things you saw. I heard you say that you didn't even remember anything about your time there until 10 years later. I heard you talk about how your platoon leader told you to take off your uniform when you got to the airport and burn it when you got home. They said you shouldn't talk about the things you did or saw. They told you to "put it all in your foot locker and close the door". And you said that's what you did.
During the Vietman reunion weekend, I realized how much you had in your foot locker.
Your footlocker holds the horrific images you saw of people dying.
It holds the image of the young kid beside you in a rice paddy who told you he was scared and then was shot by a sniper seconds later.
It holds the grief you felt for the friends you lost.
It holds the fear about your health from because of the chemicals you were exposed to during war.
It holds the anger your felt for the people who called you baby killers and spit on you when you came home.
It holds that exhaustion you feel from replaying those events every night in your sleep.
To paraphrase part of Corey's speech at your anniversary party "….we will never know what you went through in Vietman, but we're grateful for it and we're proud of you." Thanks to Operation LZ, we know a little bit more about what you went through. We know some of the things that are in that footlocker. But, more importantly, we also know the things you never put in your foot locker.
It holds that exhaustion you feel from replaying those events every night in your sleep.
To paraphrase part of Corey's speech at your anniversary party "….we will never know what you went through in Vietman, but we're grateful for it and we're proud of you." Thanks to Operation LZ, we know a little bit more about what you went through. We know some of the things that are in that footlocker. But, more importantly, we also know the things you never put in your foot locker.
The faith that you had in yourself to survive Vietnam and, maybe more importantly, to survive the aftermath of Vietnam, never went in that locker.
The pride that you have for your country never went in that locker.
The honor that you felt for a job well done never went in that locker.
The respect for every single person who has had the courage to put on a uniform for this great country never went in that locker.
The hope that you have to heal from all the mental and physical wounds from Vietnam, both your wounds and your fellow soldiers wounds, is not in that locker.
The brotherly bond you have with your soldiers is not in that locker.
That faith that you can help those who suffer from PTSD by talking to them and listening to them never went in that locker.
The unconditional love you have for your family never went in that locker.
And when the time came, when the world realized that we owed all of our Vietnam vets an apology and a welcome home, you forgave us. You could have put your forgiveness to all of us in your foot locker because it was too little too late. You could have put it in your foot locker because we owed you so much more than we could ever give you. But you didn't. The strength you have shown since you came home from Vietnam is incomprehensible.
That faith that you can help those who suffer from PTSD by talking to them and listening to them never went in that locker.
The unconditional love you have for your family never went in that locker.
And when the time came, when the world realized that we owed all of our Vietnam vets an apology and a welcome home, you forgave us. You could have put your forgiveness to all of us in your foot locker because it was too little too late. You could have put it in your foot locker because we owed you so much more than we could ever give you. But you didn't. The strength you have shown since you came home from Vietnam is incomprehensible.
I'm so proud of you and I'm so glad your my dad. You taught me to always do what is right. You taught me to always be honest. You taught me to always work hard. You taught me to believe in myself, even if other people don't. You taught me that I can mentally overcome anything. And you taught me to forgive.
So, if you ever worry about whether having a dad who is a Vietman veteran affected my life, I assure you has. Not because of what you put in your foot locker, but because of what you didn't.
So, if you ever worry about whether having a dad who is a Vietman veteran affected my life, I assure you has. Not because of what you put in your foot locker, but because of what you didn't.
I love you Dad.
Meg
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
It's only "the thought that counts" if you actually think...
Why is Father's Day "National Spend All Day Golfing With Your Buddies" Day but Mother's Day is "National Let's Do A Huge Outing with The Whole Family" Day? SPOILER ALERT: The "day out with the fam" thing is actually a shit ton of work for mom. Packing lunches, diaper bags, extra clothes, etc. etc….you get my drift. You'd probably get more points just scheduling a surprise root canal for her that day.
If you're in a romantic relationship with a woman who happens to be a mother, then listen up. Here are the top 5 things you need to do on Mother's Day if you ever want to get laid again.
1. Kids? What kids?
You know what totally ruins Mother's Day? Kids. I don't even want to see my kids. Dads should just pretends it's "No Mothering Today" Day.
2. Empty Nest? Yes, yes and yes!
You know what is amazing when you're a stay at home mom? Time alone in your house. When the house is empty (and quiet) moms can do laundry, clean, or organize the pantry. Or they have the option of sitting in bed, watching reality TV for hours and not doing anything that resembles "mom life". You know what's wrong with that? Not a damn thing.
3. Pampering, pampering, and more pampering
Massage, facials (from a professional, you pervert) and pedis, oh my! You know why moms love the spa? It's not because of the relaxing music, the scented candles, or the comfy robes. It's because they don't allow kids. You can actually take a piss in peace and then have someone other than your 3 year old rub your feet.
4. Channel your Inner Mr. Clean
That's right, honey. You need to clean. And then do the laundry. I'm tellin' ya, this is like mom porn. Nothing turns mommy on like watching her spouse share the proverbial load. If you can actually put everything away in the correct place, you're almost guaranteed to get a happy ending.
5. Get Creative
Once you become a mom, you're required to be sentimental. It just comes with the territory. So, if you want to make your old lady swoon, help the kiddos make homemade cards to celebrate Mother's Day. You get points for being creative and you're sort of sticking it to that asshole Mr. Hallmark who made up this damn day in the first place.
So, this Mother's Day, try to do all the things your spouse/partner/girlfriend does for your entire family every single day. It will make her feel loved and it just might make you appreciate her a little bit more too.
And you should probably have a glass of wine waiting for her when she finally gets home too.
Cheers!
XOXO Tipsy Mommy
If you're in a romantic relationship with a woman who happens to be a mother, then listen up. Here are the top 5 things you need to do on Mother's Day if you ever want to get laid again.
1. Kids? What kids?
You know what totally ruins Mother's Day? Kids. I don't even want to see my kids. Dads should just pretends it's "No Mothering Today" Day.
2. Empty Nest? Yes, yes and yes!
You know what is amazing when you're a stay at home mom? Time alone in your house. When the house is empty (and quiet) moms can do laundry, clean, or organize the pantry. Or they have the option of sitting in bed, watching reality TV for hours and not doing anything that resembles "mom life". You know what's wrong with that? Not a damn thing.
3. Pampering, pampering, and more pampering
Massage, facials (from a professional, you pervert) and pedis, oh my! You know why moms love the spa? It's not because of the relaxing music, the scented candles, or the comfy robes. It's because they don't allow kids. You can actually take a piss in peace and then have someone other than your 3 year old rub your feet.
4. Channel your Inner Mr. Clean
That's right, honey. You need to clean. And then do the laundry. I'm tellin' ya, this is like mom porn. Nothing turns mommy on like watching her spouse share the proverbial load. If you can actually put everything away in the correct place, you're almost guaranteed to get a happy ending.
5. Get Creative
Once you become a mom, you're required to be sentimental. It just comes with the territory. So, if you want to make your old lady swoon, help the kiddos make homemade cards to celebrate Mother's Day. You get points for being creative and you're sort of sticking it to that asshole Mr. Hallmark who made up this damn day in the first place.
So, this Mother's Day, try to do all the things your spouse/partner/girlfriend does for your entire family every single day. It will make her feel loved and it just might make you appreciate her a little bit more too.
And you should probably have a glass of wine waiting for her when she finally gets home too.
Cheers!
XOXO Tipsy Mommy
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Goodnight little house…goodnight mouse….
I can't figure out a good intro for this blog. So here goes. I HAVE A FUCKING MOUSE IN MY MOTHER FUCKING VAN.
I had a million errands to do, including getting my oil changed in the van. The appointment was supposed to take an hour but actually took two hours and they didn't even wash the car!! Is this how that other half lives??!
Anyway, I vacuum my van every Monday morning but by Tuesday afternoon it looks like we've been living in it for 3 weeks. It was a Wednesday and I had family coming into town so I decided to wash and vacuum it again. While I was picking up "debris", I found a piece of chocolate that looked like someone(thing) had gnawed the edges. I immediately knew a critter must have been in my van because a half eaten piece of chococlate just doesn't exist with my kids.
I start vacuuming and find mouse shit on the floor of the van. I immediately did the heebee jeebee high step like Clark Griswold when he figures out that Aunt Edna died in his station wagon. I can hardly bring myself to keep vacuuming, even though sucking that fucker in the shop vac is probably best case scenario. I force myself to keep vacuuming because the thought of animal feces in my van is almost as horrifying as having a rodent in there. I finish and have to drive the mouse mobile to pick the girls up at school. I rolled down all the windows for the ride. I realize this makes no sense but it made me feel a little less claustrophobic. I kept waiting for the little shit to spontaneously appear on my steering wheel and hiss at me with his teeth and claws exposed for battle.
I get home and google "rodents in vans".
I get tons of hits and realize I'm not the only person who has experienced this problem. There are multiple lists of "37 simple steps to get a rodent(s) out of your car". Here are the highlights.
1. "Remove rodent hiding-places next to your car. Cut down shrubbery and vines."
Hold on…is "cutting down the forest next to my garage" really a feasible option for people??!!
2. "Remove food sources from car…"
You're basically asking me to get rid of my children. I could probably be convinced but my husband will veto that shit in a heartbeat.
3. "Park with the hood up so the rodent doesn't have a dark place to hide"
This might be an option…if I actually knew how to open it.
4. "Use traps. Baits risk poisoning."
Are you a fucking moron? I could care less if this fucker gets poisoned! I'm actually willing to risk poisoning my kid to guarantee that this thing isn't going to fly across my dash on I-71.
5. "Use strong-smelling substances such as powdered fox urine, used cat litter, cat hair, Pine-Sol, Irish Spring soap, and red pepper."
First of all, Irish Spring soap users across the world should be outraged. Secondly, how the fuck do you "powder" fox urine? I mean, is that a thing? Used cat litter? I. Have. No. Words.
6. "Use electronic deterrent devices. Some have had success with ultrasound devices, others swear by the strobe-light-emitting 'mouse blocker'.”
Wait, a strobe light in my van? I can't decide if I'm more likely to find one of those at Spencer's or Home Depot. And WTF is an ultra sound machine? If the mouse can tolerate the sound of my kids losing their ever living minds because the hot spot on their iPad isn't working, then I don't think this ultra sound situation is going to work.
I settle for a thorough interior detail at the Toyota dealership and tell them I'll slip them an extra c note if they can bring me the carcus of the mouse when they're finished. If they fail at their apprehension mission, I'm going to try to convince my husband that a new van is going to way less painful than listening to me bitch about driving around a rodent infested swagger wagon.
Wish me luck and pour me a double, please.
I get home and google "rodents in vans".
I get tons of hits and realize I'm not the only person who has experienced this problem. There are multiple lists of "37 simple steps to get a rodent(s) out of your car". Here are the highlights.
1. "Remove rodent hiding-places next to your car. Cut down shrubbery and vines."
Hold on…is "cutting down the forest next to my garage" really a feasible option for people??!!
2. "Remove food sources from car…"
You're basically asking me to get rid of my children. I could probably be convinced but my husband will veto that shit in a heartbeat.
3. "Park with the hood up so the rodent doesn't have a dark place to hide"
This might be an option…if I actually knew how to open it.
4. "Use traps. Baits risk poisoning."
Are you a fucking moron? I could care less if this fucker gets poisoned! I'm actually willing to risk poisoning my kid to guarantee that this thing isn't going to fly across my dash on I-71.
5. "Use strong-smelling substances such as powdered fox urine, used cat litter, cat hair, Pine-Sol, Irish Spring soap, and red pepper."
First of all, Irish Spring soap users across the world should be outraged. Secondly, how the fuck do you "powder" fox urine? I mean, is that a thing? Used cat litter? I. Have. No. Words.
6. "Use electronic deterrent devices. Some have had success with ultrasound devices, others swear by the strobe-light-emitting 'mouse blocker'.”
Wait, a strobe light in my van? I can't decide if I'm more likely to find one of those at Spencer's or Home Depot. And WTF is an ultra sound machine? If the mouse can tolerate the sound of my kids losing their ever living minds because the hot spot on their iPad isn't working, then I don't think this ultra sound situation is going to work.
I settle for a thorough interior detail at the Toyota dealership and tell them I'll slip them an extra c note if they can bring me the carcus of the mouse when they're finished. If they fail at their apprehension mission, I'm going to try to convince my husband that a new van is going to way less painful than listening to me bitch about driving around a rodent infested swagger wagon.
Wish me luck and pour me a double, please.
xoxo,
Tipsy Mommy
Thursday, April 21, 2016
I hate you summer...
Here are the top reasons my family might not survive summer.
1. Mommy has to wear a swimsuit.
I "kept that shit tight" after my 1st and 2nd kids. The girls nursed like champs so I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't have to work too hard in the gym. And then "the baby" came along. The extra pounds from baby #3 are like a stage 5 cling on. I skated through last summer in a bikini because I never took off my cover up. However, since all of these lunatics are going to want some water action this summer, I actually have to get in the water (but I REFUSE to get my hair wet). I tried on my bikini to see what I was up against. I thought I might be able to whip myself into shape by only consuming celery and wine for the next 6 weeks but I don't think it's gonna happen. So….I'm officially in the market for a one piece. There are only a couple options….the Miracle Suit or some sort of skirted situation. We all know you can't go the skirt route until your late 50's, so the Miracle Suit was the winner.
I ordered a few online so I could try them in the privacy of my dimly lit, super slanted full length mirror (you know, exactly like it will be at the pool this summer). I have to admit, its pretty amazing how much better I look with a little ruching and a shit ton compression in the gut area. But I'm totally gonna be pissing in the pool because there is NO WAY I'm gonna be able to get that thing off when it's wet. #whyisthewateralwayswarmbymeg?
2. SPF 900
I can describe my summer self in three words. Pale, freckles, redhead. I got the triple whammy in the alabaster curse. There is no "tan mom" in this house. I alternate between Elmers Paste and Red Lobster Glow. The 10,000 freckles I have are the icing on this uber white cake.
3. White Pants
We all want to wear white pants. You probably think white goes with EVERYTHING but that's not true. It goes with everything EXCEPT cellulite. To make matters worse, there is some unwritten rule about white pants being made out of the thinnest fabric on the planet. I'm accepting my fate. Black is the new white for this girl.
4. No School
This one shouldn't even require discussion. No school means the kids are NOT AT SCHOOL. Which means they are WITH ME. And that sucks. Why don't they call it "summer work"? Because there is no break happening in my house until those fuckers climb back on the bus in August.
5. Hot Cars, Hot Kids, Hot Everything
You might have forgotten the dirty little secret about summer…it's hotter than satan's armpit. I find myself thinking, "Oooh! It's summer! I can't wait to burn my bare legs on boiling leather seats and hear my kids throw a shit fit about getting in the car because it feels like the f'ing equator in there."
But summer is coming, whether or like it not. So, I'm going to enjoy the last few weeks of weather that still requires 90% of my body to be covered by clothing. Once summer hits, I'm going focus on beating the heat with a joint team of miracle suits and frozen drinks with umbrellas in them. Who's in?!?!
Cheers!
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
1. Mommy has to wear a swimsuit.
I "kept that shit tight" after my 1st and 2nd kids. The girls nursed like champs so I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't have to work too hard in the gym. And then "the baby" came along. The extra pounds from baby #3 are like a stage 5 cling on. I skated through last summer in a bikini because I never took off my cover up. However, since all of these lunatics are going to want some water action this summer, I actually have to get in the water (but I REFUSE to get my hair wet). I tried on my bikini to see what I was up against. I thought I might be able to whip myself into shape by only consuming celery and wine for the next 6 weeks but I don't think it's gonna happen. So….I'm officially in the market for a one piece. There are only a couple options….the Miracle Suit or some sort of skirted situation. We all know you can't go the skirt route until your late 50's, so the Miracle Suit was the winner.
I ordered a few online so I could try them in the privacy of my dimly lit, super slanted full length mirror (you know, exactly like it will be at the pool this summer). I have to admit, its pretty amazing how much better I look with a little ruching and a shit ton compression in the gut area. But I'm totally gonna be pissing in the pool because there is NO WAY I'm gonna be able to get that thing off when it's wet. #whyisthewateralwayswarmbymeg?
2. SPF 900
I can describe my summer self in three words. Pale, freckles, redhead. I got the triple whammy in the alabaster curse. There is no "tan mom" in this house. I alternate between Elmers Paste and Red Lobster Glow. The 10,000 freckles I have are the icing on this uber white cake.
3. White Pants
We all want to wear white pants. You probably think white goes with EVERYTHING but that's not true. It goes with everything EXCEPT cellulite. To make matters worse, there is some unwritten rule about white pants being made out of the thinnest fabric on the planet. I'm accepting my fate. Black is the new white for this girl.
4. No School
This one shouldn't even require discussion. No school means the kids are NOT AT SCHOOL. Which means they are WITH ME. And that sucks. Why don't they call it "summer work"? Because there is no break happening in my house until those fuckers climb back on the bus in August.
5. Hot Cars, Hot Kids, Hot Everything
You might have forgotten the dirty little secret about summer…it's hotter than satan's armpit. I find myself thinking, "Oooh! It's summer! I can't wait to burn my bare legs on boiling leather seats and hear my kids throw a shit fit about getting in the car because it feels like the f'ing equator in there."
But summer is coming, whether or like it not. So, I'm going to enjoy the last few weeks of weather that still requires 90% of my body to be covered by clothing. Once summer hits, I'm going focus on beating the heat with a joint team of miracle suits and frozen drinks with umbrellas in them. Who's in?!?!
Cheers!
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
Friday, April 8, 2016
The Buckle Battle...
I had three kids in three and a half years. My oldest is (almost) five and a half. I cherish my kids. I know I'm lucky to have them because so many people try to conceive/adopt/etc but aren't able to…blah blah blah. But sometimes being a parent sucks. But not at the times when you think. When they're sick it's hard, but it feels so good to be able to comfort them, cuddle them, and "mom" them. When they're naughty it's hard, but those will be the things we will laugh about in 20 years. The parenting annoyances at this stage come from one thing. Car seats.
Can the world please be a f'ing drive thru? I want to drive thru for everything. Coffee, lunch, dinner, wine…everything. It literally takes me 15 minutes to get these bastards situated in my car. FIF TEEN MIN UTES. And that's assuming everyone is in a good mood which we know NEVER happens.
Here are top five reasons that car seats are ruining my life.
1. Buh bye coffee runs
You don't realize that each drink takes approximately 58 seconds for a barista to make, UNLESS you're standing in a line of 10 people with your three toddlers. And I would like to thank Mr. Starbucks for strategically placing the incredibly over priced "snacks" at prime "toddler level" in line. It would literally cost me $17.67 per day if I lugged these little shits into Starbucks every morning. And it would take 31 minutes. Thanks, but no thanks.
2. Airplane Travel
Ok, I'm not even THINKING about actually lugging those things on the plane so my kids can sit in them, but they still f'ing ruin airline travel. Car seats basically add 14 steps to airline travel. You have to take them out of your car once you get them into the airport, put them in bags (#germphobe), lug them into baggage drop, and then repeat the ENTIRE process once you arrive at your destination. The alternative is that you could spend $20 per day, per seat to rent the germ infested ones that don't come with a manual but are NOTHING like the ones you have at home, thus taking EVEN LONGER to install. Let me think…NO!
3. Germphobe
The only thing worse than installing car seats is cleaning them. Every time I do it, I find a food item that has been there so long it's literally beyond the point of recognition. I convince myself it's just an old graham cracker but there's a good chance that it's actually a piece of turkey that has been transformed. Remind me to start a car seat detailing business when I'm done with the whole parenting thing.
4. The Arched F'ing Back Move
I agree, this isn't technically the car seats fault, but I don't feel like this shit goes down in the "post car seat" years. These episodes prove that toddlers actually have super sonic strength. I feel like they could literally move my van with their torso. There is only one thing that can defeat the toddler back arch….an adult knee to the f'ing gut. Truthfully, I've never done this but I'm telling ya, it's been a close call on a couple of occasions.
5. Independence
That moment when they decide they want to start buckling on their own. Lord Jesus. Believe me, I can defeat there arched back moves in WAY LESS time than it takes three toddlers to buckle themselves. And the arched back move has a lot less risk of the super time consuming "my finner got pinched by the buckle!" scenarios.
In the grand scheme of things, even though this is sky high on the "shit that annoys mom" list right now, it will be a distant memory before I know it. So, I'm going to cherish the parenting moments that melt my heart and TRY not to wish time away when it feels hard (because "they're only little once"). And I'll continue to use those damn car seats as my excuse to have a glass wine after the little shits are tucked in their beds….
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
Can the world please be a f'ing drive thru? I want to drive thru for everything. Coffee, lunch, dinner, wine…everything. It literally takes me 15 minutes to get these bastards situated in my car. FIF TEEN MIN UTES. And that's assuming everyone is in a good mood which we know NEVER happens.
Here are top five reasons that car seats are ruining my life.
1. Buh bye coffee runs
You don't realize that each drink takes approximately 58 seconds for a barista to make, UNLESS you're standing in a line of 10 people with your three toddlers. And I would like to thank Mr. Starbucks for strategically placing the incredibly over priced "snacks" at prime "toddler level" in line. It would literally cost me $17.67 per day if I lugged these little shits into Starbucks every morning. And it would take 31 minutes. Thanks, but no thanks.
2. Airplane Travel
Ok, I'm not even THINKING about actually lugging those things on the plane so my kids can sit in them, but they still f'ing ruin airline travel. Car seats basically add 14 steps to airline travel. You have to take them out of your car once you get them into the airport, put them in bags (#germphobe), lug them into baggage drop, and then repeat the ENTIRE process once you arrive at your destination. The alternative is that you could spend $20 per day, per seat to rent the germ infested ones that don't come with a manual but are NOTHING like the ones you have at home, thus taking EVEN LONGER to install. Let me think…NO!
3. Germphobe
The only thing worse than installing car seats is cleaning them. Every time I do it, I find a food item that has been there so long it's literally beyond the point of recognition. I convince myself it's just an old graham cracker but there's a good chance that it's actually a piece of turkey that has been transformed. Remind me to start a car seat detailing business when I'm done with the whole parenting thing.
4. The Arched F'ing Back Move
I agree, this isn't technically the car seats fault, but I don't feel like this shit goes down in the "post car seat" years. These episodes prove that toddlers actually have super sonic strength. I feel like they could literally move my van with their torso. There is only one thing that can defeat the toddler back arch….an adult knee to the f'ing gut. Truthfully, I've never done this but I'm telling ya, it's been a close call on a couple of occasions.
5. Independence
That moment when they decide they want to start buckling on their own. Lord Jesus. Believe me, I can defeat there arched back moves in WAY LESS time than it takes three toddlers to buckle themselves. And the arched back move has a lot less risk of the super time consuming "my finner got pinched by the buckle!" scenarios.
In the grand scheme of things, even though this is sky high on the "shit that annoys mom" list right now, it will be a distant memory before I know it. So, I'm going to cherish the parenting moments that melt my heart and TRY not to wish time away when it feels hard (because "they're only little once"). And I'll continue to use those damn car seats as my excuse to have a glass wine after the little shits are tucked in their beds….
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
Thursday, March 17, 2016
I'm a Botox virgin, I'm scared to death, and I have wine in my pocket….
One of my friends is turning 40 this year and she decided she was going to try Botox. I invited myself to tag along and try it out. We settled on Dr. Ginger Hensen at @Cincinnati Eye Institute. Dr. Hensen is an eye surgeon so she literally does botox in between "put eyeball back in socket" appointments so she seemed qualified.
I was nervous, but I wasn't nervous about the pain. My epidurals didn't work for my kids so Botox was going to be a walk in the park. My biggest fear was that I would die. I googled "botox related deaths" "death by botox" and every imaginable version of that search in the weeks leading up to my appointment. #WebMD actually gave me an honorary online degree after about three weeks of this nonsense. I started off the appointment saying "If I'm the first #Botox death on record, I'm gonna be pissed."
Dr Hensen was great. She patiently answered our questions and explained the procedure. I offered her a pull off my TSA size wine bottle and she declined, which I thought was very professional. She politely laughed at my joke about "sharing needles (with my friend) to save money" but you could tell she takes her job very seriously. It almost deterred me from non stop sarcasm….almost. Perhaps the most impressive thing about Dr. Hensen is that both of us mentioned areas where we thought needed Botox and she agreed in some areas and discouraged us from doing it on other areas. Kudos to honesty, doc. She did make us feel like wimps for requesting numbing cream but I couldn't blame her for that one.
If you're thinking about trying Botox, here are some tips:
1. Go with someone older. It's better when you go with an older friend. The "doesn't she need more because she's older?" and "how much more is she getting than me?" jokes never get old.
2. Bring Alcohol. Everything is better with booze.
3. Don't tell your husband. Most of my friends say their husbands didn't want them to get Botox because they were worried it would look "plastic" or "fake". The reality is, men are so clueless about this crap that most of them probably wouldn't even notice if you didn't tell them.
4. Read the waiver form. Not because the information is relevant, but because it's hysterical. It explains that you might experience "asymmetry" and advises you to "stay upright for at least four hours". There goes that five hour nap I had planned this afternoon.
5. Look the part. I threw on yoga gear and my "I love camping" sweatshirt and I'm not gonna lie…I felt under dressed. I'd recommend throwing on some rouge and lipstick too.
6. Skip the numbing cream. Because it makes you look like a pussy.
Overall I thought it was a fun experience and I would recommend trying it if you have some disposable income and you're too lazy to stick with an anti-aging skin care regimen.
I'd give you my "Cheers to Thirsty Thursday" look but I can't move my forehead.
XOXO- Tipsy Mommy
I was nervous, but I wasn't nervous about the pain. My epidurals didn't work for my kids so Botox was going to be a walk in the park. My biggest fear was that I would die. I googled "botox related deaths" "death by botox" and every imaginable version of that search in the weeks leading up to my appointment. #WebMD actually gave me an honorary online degree after about three weeks of this nonsense. I started off the appointment saying "If I'm the first #Botox death on record, I'm gonna be pissed."
Dr Hensen was great. She patiently answered our questions and explained the procedure. I offered her a pull off my TSA size wine bottle and she declined, which I thought was very professional. She politely laughed at my joke about "sharing needles (with my friend) to save money" but you could tell she takes her job very seriously. It almost deterred me from non stop sarcasm….almost. Perhaps the most impressive thing about Dr. Hensen is that both of us mentioned areas where we thought needed Botox and she agreed in some areas and discouraged us from doing it on other areas. Kudos to honesty, doc. She did make us feel like wimps for requesting numbing cream but I couldn't blame her for that one.
If you're thinking about trying Botox, here are some tips:
1. Go with someone older. It's better when you go with an older friend. The "doesn't she need more because she's older?" and "how much more is she getting than me?" jokes never get old.
2. Bring Alcohol. Everything is better with booze.
3. Don't tell your husband. Most of my friends say their husbands didn't want them to get Botox because they were worried it would look "plastic" or "fake". The reality is, men are so clueless about this crap that most of them probably wouldn't even notice if you didn't tell them.
4. Read the waiver form. Not because the information is relevant, but because it's hysterical. It explains that you might experience "asymmetry" and advises you to "stay upright for at least four hours". There goes that five hour nap I had planned this afternoon.
5. Look the part. I threw on yoga gear and my "I love camping" sweatshirt and I'm not gonna lie…I felt under dressed. I'd recommend throwing on some rouge and lipstick too.
6. Skip the numbing cream. Because it makes you look like a pussy.
Overall I thought it was a fun experience and I would recommend trying it if you have some disposable income and you're too lazy to stick with an anti-aging skin care regimen.
I'd give you my "Cheers to Thirsty Thursday" look but I can't move my forehead.
XOXO- Tipsy Mommy
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Nanny Diaries...
If you're a working mom with toddlers, you've contemplated various child care options for your kids. I opted for the nanny route for a few different reasons. We've had our current nanny for 3 and a half years and she is perfect for us. However, the road to family/nanny compatibility was a rough one and I didn't get it right on the first…or second…or even the third try. Here's a re cap...
August
I'm not having my first child for two more months, however, I'm anxious to get everything "organized" so I meet with various nanny agencies. I decide to use Above and Beyond Nannies and pay an outrageous fee for "access" to their "exceptional" candidate pool.
September
After interviewing 13 candidates who were pre-selected by the agency, I decide on a "granny nanny" who meets my 200 rule (age plus weight must be at least 200-- it's a simple, yet effective formula). I picture the baby and "Nana Cathy" cuddling on the couch with infant approved books and a sparkling clean kitchen every day when I get home.
October
The baby is here! Nana Cathy starts and it's sort of like what I pictured but there are a few key differences. For example, she didn't breast feed her kids and I caught her throwing away breast milk on multiple occasions. Nothing makes a new mama want to cut a bitch more than wasting breast milk. She didn't seem to understand my attachment to the liquid gold until I said "I have to remove that shit from my body with a f'ing machine that makes me look and sound like a cow….if you throw it out again, you're fired!"
She did clean the kitchen but also spent hours talking on the phone and watching Barefoot Contessa on the cooking channel while the baby sat in her bouncy seat.
Old people also want lots of workplace accommodations….
"My back hurts from bending over the changing table…can you get a taller one?"
"I don't like to drive at night, can you get home early today?"
We hit the point of no return quickly. After a few months, I started exclusively referring to her as "shit for brains" behind her back but remembered, for the most part, to use her actual name during interactions.
March
Unfortunately, the generation gap didn't end with breast milk. Granny nanny (aka shit for brains) raised her kids in the "no car seat" era. It seems obvious to most people that technology advances are annoying in some areas but absolutely critical in other areas, like car seats. She decided to go for a spin in her car with my kid on her lap in the DRIVER seat and then was dumb enough to tell me about it when I got home. I did what any reasonable person would do. I said "are you f'ing kidding me? you have complete shit for brains. you're fired". It felt good to finally get that off my chest.
And now Nanny 2.0 search begins...
March (later that day...)
I called the nanny agency and explained that I terminated the nanny they referred to me 5 months ago because she is a fucking moron. Now that I had some experience with a nanny, I realized there were some additional requirements I wanted to outline. Some of them should have been obvious, such as car seat usage requirement, no TV for my infant, no union type workplace requests, etc but I specifically outlined them anyway. They assured me they had countless candidates that would be perfect (for real this time!) for our family and promised to send me some resumes.
Two Days Later
Still waiting for said resumes from agency.
A Week Later
A slew of resumes arrive. They have "questionnaires" each of the nanny candidates have completed. Most of them are photocopies of hand written responses which seemed a little behind the times. Once I got past the ridiculousness of hand written information, I started actually reading them and hilarity ensued. Here is a exact quote from one of the resumes that is a real gem.
Question 26: Are you eligible to work in the US? Applicant Response "Yes"
Question 27: Do you have a Visa? If so, what kind? Applicant Response "Yes. Debit Card"
Out. Standing.
I continue through the list and ignore all the spelling errors. After all, my kid was only 4 months old. She'll learn how to spell in Kindergarten. I settle on a girl who was a preschool teacher. She showed up for the interview 3 minutes late. I have an unhealthy obsession with timeliness so this was a huge red flag for me. But she showed up with toys for the kids and they loved her. She had another offer that was expiring in two days so I had the make a quick decision. I decided to hire her. Her stint was even shorter than shit for brains but, shockingly, her on the job offenses were even more impressive.
Incident #1. She put her phone on the counter. I didn't LOOK at it, I just happen to "notice" it. Imagine my surprise when I notice that she has a picture of John (my husband) as her screen saver. Not one to shy away from confrontation, I say "Wow, nice pic of my husband on your screen saver". I have to admit, she shocked me with her response! She smiles and says "I know, right?" I couldn't muster a response but thought quietly, this is why I have the 200 rule.
August
I'm not having my first child for two more months, however, I'm anxious to get everything "organized" so I meet with various nanny agencies. I decide to use Above and Beyond Nannies and pay an outrageous fee for "access" to their "exceptional" candidate pool.
September
After interviewing 13 candidates who were pre-selected by the agency, I decide on a "granny nanny" who meets my 200 rule (age plus weight must be at least 200-- it's a simple, yet effective formula). I picture the baby and "Nana Cathy" cuddling on the couch with infant approved books and a sparkling clean kitchen every day when I get home.
October
The baby is here! Nana Cathy starts and it's sort of like what I pictured but there are a few key differences. For example, she didn't breast feed her kids and I caught her throwing away breast milk on multiple occasions. Nothing makes a new mama want to cut a bitch more than wasting breast milk. She didn't seem to understand my attachment to the liquid gold until I said "I have to remove that shit from my body with a f'ing machine that makes me look and sound like a cow….if you throw it out again, you're fired!"
She did clean the kitchen but also spent hours talking on the phone and watching Barefoot Contessa on the cooking channel while the baby sat in her bouncy seat.
Old people also want lots of workplace accommodations….
"My back hurts from bending over the changing table…can you get a taller one?"
"I don't like to drive at night, can you get home early today?"
We hit the point of no return quickly. After a few months, I started exclusively referring to her as "shit for brains" behind her back but remembered, for the most part, to use her actual name during interactions.
March
Unfortunately, the generation gap didn't end with breast milk. Granny nanny (aka shit for brains) raised her kids in the "no car seat" era. It seems obvious to most people that technology advances are annoying in some areas but absolutely critical in other areas, like car seats. She decided to go for a spin in her car with my kid on her lap in the DRIVER seat and then was dumb enough to tell me about it when I got home. I did what any reasonable person would do. I said "are you f'ing kidding me? you have complete shit for brains. you're fired". It felt good to finally get that off my chest.
And now Nanny 2.0 search begins...
March (later that day...)
I called the nanny agency and explained that I terminated the nanny they referred to me 5 months ago because she is a fucking moron. Now that I had some experience with a nanny, I realized there were some additional requirements I wanted to outline. Some of them should have been obvious, such as car seat usage requirement, no TV for my infant, no union type workplace requests, etc but I specifically outlined them anyway. They assured me they had countless candidates that would be perfect (for real this time!) for our family and promised to send me some resumes.
Two Days Later
Still waiting for said resumes from agency.
A Week Later
A slew of resumes arrive. They have "questionnaires" each of the nanny candidates have completed. Most of them are photocopies of hand written responses which seemed a little behind the times. Once I got past the ridiculousness of hand written information, I started actually reading them and hilarity ensued. Here is a exact quote from one of the resumes that is a real gem.
Question 26: Are you eligible to work in the US? Applicant Response "Yes"
Question 27: Do you have a Visa? If so, what kind? Applicant Response "Yes. Debit Card"
Out. Standing.
I continue through the list and ignore all the spelling errors. After all, my kid was only 4 months old. She'll learn how to spell in Kindergarten. I settle on a girl who was a preschool teacher. She showed up for the interview 3 minutes late. I have an unhealthy obsession with timeliness so this was a huge red flag for me. But she showed up with toys for the kids and they loved her. She had another offer that was expiring in two days so I had the make a quick decision. I decided to hire her. Her stint was even shorter than shit for brains but, shockingly, her on the job offenses were even more impressive.
Incident #1. She put her phone on the counter. I didn't LOOK at it, I just happen to "notice" it. Imagine my surprise when I notice that she has a picture of John (my husband) as her screen saver. Not one to shy away from confrontation, I say "Wow, nice pic of my husband on your screen saver". I have to admit, she shocked me with her response! She smiles and says "I know, right?" I couldn't muster a response but thought quietly, this is why I have the 200 rule.
Incident #2- the drunk dial. To be fair, she wasn't working that day but it was only 4 pm and she was blitzed. I finally just hung up after she slurred "ohmygod....iseeerooiuslyloveyouguyzsss!" for the 5th time. I was just glad she included the whole family instead of just John.
Incident #3. The salary discussion. She tried to negotiate a higher rate when I hired her. I told her no but said we could revisit it after I got a better feel for her performance. She continued to show up late (and usually hung over) so when she asked for a raise I said no. She quickly replied "don't you need to ask John?" I didn't even justify it with a response. That bitch had a lot to learn.
The straw that broke the camels back was when she called in sick on a Monday morning saying she "got food poisoning at the Renaissance festival". This seemed a tad far fetched so I decided to creep on her Facebook page (even though we weren't FB friends). Imagine my surprise when I realized she posted pics with friends and wine at 10 pm.
I didn't even call her to fire her. I did it via text. She said "I'm sick today". I responded "thanks for letting me know. Oh and your Renaissance festival pics on FB were super cute. Oh, and you're fired".
After all, I can't be associated with people who can't handle their wine....
Xoxo tipsy mommy
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Hail to Dr. Seuss….
Happy Dr. Seuss Day! If you have kids, you have read a Dr. Seuss book…or twelve.
The Top 5 Reasons I Try to Avoid Dr. Seuss Books
1. Too Tired for Tongue Twisters
I don't know who technically invented the "tongue twister" but this Seuss dude mastered it. I wonder if I could do a better job with the tongue twisters after a glass or two of wine.
2. I'm Trying To Cut Back on Profanity
Seriously, if you can read this passage without accidentally saying the word dick, you have a gift.
3. End of Day Attention Span
Nah, in my head, I think about my three toddlers who are all still in car seats and I see "Oh the places you WON'T go"…..the list includes anything that doesn't have a drive thru. And church.
4. Career Limiting Lyrics
What in the hell was he trying to accomplish with "Put Me in the Zoo" book? An entire book about a unidentifiable animal who wants to be in the zoo and then sets his sights even higher and lands in the circus?? Have another hit, Doc.
5. Poor Life Choices
If you don't realize that "Go Dog Go" is about pot heads driving to a frat party, you're crazy.
And The Cat in the Hat has definitely landed him on the "Most Wanted List" by Child Protective Services.
If I'm reading this correctly, two toddlers were left home alone all day. It was raining and a strange man, dressed as a cat, showed up and played "make believe" games with them all day? Dateline would have a field day with this one.
6. Hidden Messages
Ok, I said 5, but ended with 6.
I was inspired by one of his pix.
Clearly this pic, was meant for me.
It might be meant for you too, that's fine.
The Yink likes to drink.
And his drink is pink.
He's talking about wine.
That's what I think.
Kids loves his books because they have so many funny words. They work for older kids too because they talk about emotions in a silly, yet effective way. While Dr. Suess is one of the most successful authors of all time, I have to admit, as a parent, they aren't my favorite books to read...
The Top 5 Reasons I Try to Avoid Dr. Seuss Books
1. Too Tired for Tongue Twisters
I don't know who technically invented the "tongue twister" but this Seuss dude mastered it. I wonder if I could do a better job with the tongue twisters after a glass or two of wine.
2. I'm Trying To Cut Back on Profanity
Seriously, if you can read this passage without accidentally saying the word dick, you have a gift.
3. End of Day Attention Span
At the end of a long day, I find myself reading the words on the page but changing them in my head to make it a little more applicable to life as a stay at home mom…
Nah, in my head, I think about my three toddlers who are all still in car seats and I see "Oh the places you WON'T go"…..the list includes anything that doesn't have a drive thru. And church.
4. Career Limiting Lyrics
What in the hell was he trying to accomplish with "Put Me in the Zoo" book? An entire book about a unidentifiable animal who wants to be in the zoo and then sets his sights even higher and lands in the circus?? Have another hit, Doc.
5. Poor Life Choices
If you don't realize that "Go Dog Go" is about pot heads driving to a frat party, you're crazy.
And The Cat in the Hat has definitely landed him on the "Most Wanted List" by Child Protective Services.
If I'm reading this correctly, two toddlers were left home alone all day. It was raining and a strange man, dressed as a cat, showed up and played "make believe" games with them all day? Dateline would have a field day with this one.
6. Hidden Messages
Ok, I said 5, but ended with 6.
I was inspired by one of his pix.
Clearly this pic, was meant for me.
It might be meant for you too, that's fine.
The Yink likes to drink.
And his drink is pink.
He's talking about wine.
That's what I think.
May Dr. Seuss Day be filled with friends like Yink and fun pink stuff to drink.
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
XOXO
Tipsy Mommy
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Hoarding….it's a real thing...
That's it. I'm getting off the "highway to hoarding" today. I want a clutter free, sparkly clean house. I wanted to blame my husband and kids for our massive quantities of clutter but I realized that I am the clean house #dreamblocker.
I took an inventory of the shit in my house and found a theme. It all revolves around things I can't seem to throw away. Here are the top 10 things I need to stop "saving" if I ever want a clean house.
1. "Non-Toy" Toys
For reasons I can't quite figure out, "non-toy" toys are most commonly repurposed as bath toys in my house. These are things like empty shampoo bottles, sippy cups with missing parts, plastic water bottles with missing straws (seriously, those straws are harder to keep track of than sock 2 of 2), old measuring cups, and every single happy meal toy we've ever gotten. (Yes, I let my kids eat McD's on occasion. Stop judging). Oh, and we have a shit load of "real" bath toys too. It's official. I'm going to be buried alive in repurposed BPA free plastic.
2. "Art"
I use this term loosely because I have toddlers. I find myself saying "oh, look, his first scribble! I have to save it!" or "Oh! Look, she 'wrote' her name!" I can't identify a single letter on the page, yet I feel compelled to save it. There is some weird mom guilt attached to stuff that our kids have created but this crap needs to stop!
3. Magazines
Look. I know US Weekly only comes weekly and you think you're going to read it some night after the kids go to bed. But it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN. And you're not going to remember to grab all 16 back issues and read them the next time you go on an adult only tropical vacation (which, to be honest, probably isn't happening either).
4. Books
See #3 for reference. And these things are even bigger. No. F'ing. Way.
5. Instruction booklets
When is the last time you said "Oooh….I'm trying to figure out how to turn on my microwave. Let me go fetch my tub 'o manuals and figure out how to do that". Pitch them immediately. In the unlikely event that you actually need them, they can most certainly be located on the world wide web.
6. Luggage
I know, this seems strange but I can't be alone on this one. I have six suitcases and countless duffel bags. When is the last time you went on a trip that required six suitcases? Never? Yeah, me neither. Bye bye bags!
7. Shoes and Handbags
What?! Are you fucking crazy? You can NEVER have too many of these things and there's no way in hell I will EVER throw any of them away. Period.
8. Flatware/Cutlery
I actually wrote "organize flatware" as a goal for 2016. This is the kind of shit you write down when you are a stay at home mom. It's awful. At any rate, we got beautiful new flatware for our wedding but I "saved" the flatware that John and I had before we were married. You know, on the off chance that I'm hosting 106 people for dinner sometime. Don't walk, RUN to goodwill with this crap you f'ing hoarder!!
9. Orphan socks
Everyone has that basket of socks with no mates. When we moved to cincy I should have been smart enough to just throw the orphan socks away but I actually put them in a box and freeking moved them. I'm a failure as a wife and mother.
10. Broken crayons and dried out markers
I don't even want to take responsibility for this one. We have smart phones and cars that self park but no one has bothered to make a cap free marker or an unbreakable crayon? I'm calling BS on that one.
Go forth and declutter! And try to remember that LESS is MORE….except when it comes to shoes, handbags and wine, of course.
XOXO Tipsy Mommy
I took an inventory of the shit in my house and found a theme. It all revolves around things I can't seem to throw away. Here are the top 10 things I need to stop "saving" if I ever want a clean house.
1. "Non-Toy" Toys
For reasons I can't quite figure out, "non-toy" toys are most commonly repurposed as bath toys in my house. These are things like empty shampoo bottles, sippy cups with missing parts, plastic water bottles with missing straws (seriously, those straws are harder to keep track of than sock 2 of 2), old measuring cups, and every single happy meal toy we've ever gotten. (Yes, I let my kids eat McD's on occasion. Stop judging). Oh, and we have a shit load of "real" bath toys too. It's official. I'm going to be buried alive in repurposed BPA free plastic.
2. "Art"
I use this term loosely because I have toddlers. I find myself saying "oh, look, his first scribble! I have to save it!" or "Oh! Look, she 'wrote' her name!" I can't identify a single letter on the page, yet I feel compelled to save it. There is some weird mom guilt attached to stuff that our kids have created but this crap needs to stop!
3. Magazines
Look. I know US Weekly only comes weekly and you think you're going to read it some night after the kids go to bed. But it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN. And you're not going to remember to grab all 16 back issues and read them the next time you go on an adult only tropical vacation (which, to be honest, probably isn't happening either).
4. Books
See #3 for reference. And these things are even bigger. No. F'ing. Way.
5. Instruction booklets
When is the last time you said "Oooh….I'm trying to figure out how to turn on my microwave. Let me go fetch my tub 'o manuals and figure out how to do that". Pitch them immediately. In the unlikely event that you actually need them, they can most certainly be located on the world wide web.
6. Luggage
I know, this seems strange but I can't be alone on this one. I have six suitcases and countless duffel bags. When is the last time you went on a trip that required six suitcases? Never? Yeah, me neither. Bye bye bags!
7. Shoes and Handbags
What?! Are you fucking crazy? You can NEVER have too many of these things and there's no way in hell I will EVER throw any of them away. Period.
8. Flatware/Cutlery
I actually wrote "organize flatware" as a goal for 2016. This is the kind of shit you write down when you are a stay at home mom. It's awful. At any rate, we got beautiful new flatware for our wedding but I "saved" the flatware that John and I had before we were married. You know, on the off chance that I'm hosting 106 people for dinner sometime. Don't walk, RUN to goodwill with this crap you f'ing hoarder!!
9. Orphan socks
Everyone has that basket of socks with no mates. When we moved to cincy I should have been smart enough to just throw the orphan socks away but I actually put them in a box and freeking moved them. I'm a failure as a wife and mother.
10. Broken crayons and dried out markers
I don't even want to take responsibility for this one. We have smart phones and cars that self park but no one has bothered to make a cap free marker or an unbreakable crayon? I'm calling BS on that one.
Go forth and declutter! And try to remember that LESS is MORE….except when it comes to shoes, handbags and wine, of course.
XOXO Tipsy Mommy
Thursday, February 11, 2016
F*&k You Zuckerberg….
I admit it. I have a total love/hate relationship with Facebook. Damn you Mark Zuckerburg and your brilliant illusion about keeping us "connected" even though we haven't had a conversation in 10 years (or ever, in some cases). I can't stand Facebook (but can't quit it either…). Here are the top reasons Facebook turns me into that psycho bitch….
1. "Seen" notification on FB Messenger- Let me get this straight, you decided it would be a good idea to tell people when a message they sent has been seen? I guess this could be an innocent feature but it becomes a PROBLEM is when people don't respond. Now you KNOW they saw it and you spend the rest of your night trying to figure out why they read it but didn't respond.
2. "People you may know". Ok Zuckerburg. When you get back from your over-publicized paternity leave, I have a bone to pick with you about this one. I've been accused of being "obnoxious" in the past and let's just say my friend number "fluctuates". About 95% of the time, I figure out that I was unfriended because you suggest a former friend as "someone I might know". Of course I know them, you asshole, I was "friends" with them. Stop making me feel like a loser! This is also how my nephew got busted having a FB page after his mom specifically told him he couldn't. Oh how you love to stir the pot…
3. "Friends". I think we can all agree that a FB friend is no where near a real "friend". Let's all agree that "FB acquaintance" is a lot more transparent.
4. "Like". Ok, the like part itself isn't passive aggressive but the radio silence (i.e NOT "liking") is SUPER passive aggressive. I waste hours wondering why my "friend" didn't "like" my post but liked 14 other ones. Fuck you FB and the way you make me a #stalker.
5. "Block". Ok, this is quite possibly the winner in our test. You don't send me any kind of notification that I've been blocked but it's super obvious when the asshole gets suggested as someone I might know.
6. "Hide" I can't even complain about this one. I have two FB friends who I maintain my digital relationship for the sole purpose of making fun of their posts to my sister and my friend Jessica. I'm going to hell. Sorry, I'm not sorry.
7. FB Lingo/Hashtags/Emojicons- These millenials are starting to think this whole FB thing is real life. They never type a full word, let alone a complete sentence, they audibly say "hashtag" and they're all going to have carpel tunnel by the time they're 27.
8. Friend Count- Ok, I don't need to be reminded that I only have 212 friends and 56 of them have never ever liked anything I've posted.
9. Suggested Ads- That's it. You guys are assholes. No I don't need Spanx, viagra, or botox. Get out of my house!
10. Candy Crush Saga- NO I don't want to play candy crush saga and why are 50 year old people doing this in the middle of the day? Don't firewalls block that sort of shit from happening at work?
It's official. I'm going to consciously uncouple from FaceBook…tomorrow….maybe.
xoxo Tipsy Mommy
Friday, February 5, 2016
The Allergy "Don't" List...
Allergies have become all too common with children these days. My child has severe food allergies and if you want to help her, there aren't things I want you to do. There are things I want you to stop.
1. Please don't tell my daughter her life is hard. She has food allergies, not cancer. She's one of the luckiest girls in the world and I will never let her use allergies as a crutch. The biggest challenge with food allergies are the people who don't "believe" them. They roll their eyes and act like you're hypochondriac allergy mom. These people are the single biggest risk to my allergy child. I beg you. Do NOT be that person. So, instead of telling her that you feel sorry for her, tell her you'll help protect her. Tell her you understand allergies are serious and you will be a grown up she can trust to help keep her safe. And then do that.
2. Please don't ask me what she's allergic to. Ask her. One of the best things you can do for a child is empower them. She's our first line of defense in allergy warfare and teaching her to communicate about her allergies is critical. She's allergic to 15 things and she can tell you every single one of them. If she hasn't been to your house, she'll ask you to read the soap label for her to confirm it doesn't have milk or tree nuts (a lot of them do!). She knows that casein is actually considered dairy and that only some of the Annies products are safe because some are manufactured on the same line as eggs. You think a 5 year old can't advocate for their own safety? I disagree.
3. Please don't tell me "she'll probably outgrow" them. It's true. Most kids outgrow allergies. In Charli's case, her numbers continue to rise which decreases the likelihood of her outgrowing them. I'm not going to let her think they're going to go away, because there's a chance they won't.
4. Please don't bitch about having nut free schools or having to refrain from eating peanuts when you're on a flight with her. You know why? Cuz it makes you an ass, that's why.
5. Please don't give her anything to eat (EVEN IF I TOLD YOU IT WAS SAFE) without asking her if she has her EPI pen. There are stories all the time about kids dying from allergic reactions. A large portion of these deaths could be prevented if the allergy child had been given epinephrine. So, if she doesn't have it, you CANNOT feed her.
6. Please don't treat her like she's special….for this. She IS special, for a million reasons other than her allergies. She doesn't need you to make special treats for your kids birthday party. The world isn't going to accommodate her allergies so you don't need to either. She needs to realize that she's not like other kids. She can't eat the cake at birthday parties, she can't have cookies at the grocery store, and she needs to wash her hands every single time she puts them in her mouth. She needs to realize that in life you need to be prepared. When she goes to a party, she needs to bring food that is safe for her to eat and that's OK.
I know some allergy parents will disagree with me on these things. Some allergy parents want allergy free schools, nut free bakeries, and a load of other special accommodations. But that's not teaching our kids about the way life works. I think all schools should have epi pens on hand because they can save a kids life. I think schools should have nut free zones because it's an easy enough thing to do and it could save a child's life. I think we should educate people about allergies and how they can keep kids safe. I think we should focus on finding a cure for allergies because life would be easier without them. But we can't insist on everyone considering our allergy kids as much as we, their parents, do.
Allergies are a challenge. Allergies are scary. But allergies are just one of the many challenges my child will face in life. The best thing we can do for our allergy kids is to empower them. To believe them. And to help keep them safe. Not by putting them in a bubble, or adapting the entire world to their needs. We keep them safe by teaching them to navigate in an unsafe world. By teaching them to be prepared. Teaching them to communicate. And teaching them to TRUST THEMSELVES above anyone else. And teaching them to stab someone with their EPI who says allergies are fake. Ok, you're right, let's not teach them that.
1. Please don't tell my daughter her life is hard. She has food allergies, not cancer. She's one of the luckiest girls in the world and I will never let her use allergies as a crutch. The biggest challenge with food allergies are the people who don't "believe" them. They roll their eyes and act like you're hypochondriac allergy mom. These people are the single biggest risk to my allergy child. I beg you. Do NOT be that person. So, instead of telling her that you feel sorry for her, tell her you'll help protect her. Tell her you understand allergies are serious and you will be a grown up she can trust to help keep her safe. And then do that.
2. Please don't ask me what she's allergic to. Ask her. One of the best things you can do for a child is empower them. She's our first line of defense in allergy warfare and teaching her to communicate about her allergies is critical. She's allergic to 15 things and she can tell you every single one of them. If she hasn't been to your house, she'll ask you to read the soap label for her to confirm it doesn't have milk or tree nuts (a lot of them do!). She knows that casein is actually considered dairy and that only some of the Annies products are safe because some are manufactured on the same line as eggs. You think a 5 year old can't advocate for their own safety? I disagree.
3. Please don't tell me "she'll probably outgrow" them. It's true. Most kids outgrow allergies. In Charli's case, her numbers continue to rise which decreases the likelihood of her outgrowing them. I'm not going to let her think they're going to go away, because there's a chance they won't.
4. Please don't bitch about having nut free schools or having to refrain from eating peanuts when you're on a flight with her. You know why? Cuz it makes you an ass, that's why.
5. Please don't give her anything to eat (EVEN IF I TOLD YOU IT WAS SAFE) without asking her if she has her EPI pen. There are stories all the time about kids dying from allergic reactions. A large portion of these deaths could be prevented if the allergy child had been given epinephrine. So, if she doesn't have it, you CANNOT feed her.
6. Please don't treat her like she's special….for this. She IS special, for a million reasons other than her allergies. She doesn't need you to make special treats for your kids birthday party. The world isn't going to accommodate her allergies so you don't need to either. She needs to realize that she's not like other kids. She can't eat the cake at birthday parties, she can't have cookies at the grocery store, and she needs to wash her hands every single time she puts them in her mouth. She needs to realize that in life you need to be prepared. When she goes to a party, she needs to bring food that is safe for her to eat and that's OK.
I know some allergy parents will disagree with me on these things. Some allergy parents want allergy free schools, nut free bakeries, and a load of other special accommodations. But that's not teaching our kids about the way life works. I think all schools should have epi pens on hand because they can save a kids life. I think schools should have nut free zones because it's an easy enough thing to do and it could save a child's life. I think we should educate people about allergies and how they can keep kids safe. I think we should focus on finding a cure for allergies because life would be easier without them. But we can't insist on everyone considering our allergy kids as much as we, their parents, do.
Allergies are a challenge. Allergies are scary. But allergies are just one of the many challenges my child will face in life. The best thing we can do for our allergy kids is to empower them. To believe them. And to help keep them safe. Not by putting them in a bubble, or adapting the entire world to their needs. We keep them safe by teaching them to navigate in an unsafe world. By teaching them to be prepared. Teaching them to communicate. And teaching them to TRUST THEMSELVES above anyone else. And teaching them to stab someone with their EPI who says allergies are fake. Ok, you're right, let's not teach them that.
Xoxo. Tipsy mommy
Thursday, February 4, 2016
The Top 6 Reasons I'm Never Getting a Job....
Being a stay at home mom is hard but it does come with a few perks. Here are a few things you can only do at "work" when you're a stay at home mom.
4. Sleeping with your subordinates.
Think about it. You know I'm right on this one. Btw, I'm NOT talking about your kids here. I'm talking about your spouse/partner/co-parent because we all know that stay at home moms are the real deal boss of every household. #Momboss
So, maybe there's a few "perks" to the SAHM mom gig that don't fly in the corporate world but no one views this thing as a cake walk. There are also all nighters with sick kids, daily discussions about bodily fluids, cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework, and activity shuttling that make this a 24/7 commitment. SAHM's rarely get to think about themselves because their brains are full with what they're doing for everyone else in the house. But that cheesy statement about it being the most rewarding unpaid job you'll ever do is so true. So somewhere in between the diaper changes, impromptu dance parties, kissed boo boo's, unexpected belly laughs, and predictable temper tantrums, remember how important your "job" is and that no one else in this world can do it as well as you. Oh, and celebrate yourself with some vino after bedtime.
1. Swearing/yelling at subordinates
Swearing is encouraged in the stay at home mom ranks. Every day I tell myself I'm not going to lose my patience but I'm cussing like a sailor through gritted teeth by 9 am. And it's ALWAYS related to getting kids in the van so we can get to school on time. It starts with me patiently asking them to get in the van. After 6 minutes, I'm white knuckled and yelling through gritted teeth "GET IN THE F$#*ING VAN!"
2. Inappropriate Contact with Subordinates
Truthfully, I'm not a spanker. Most of them time I'm disciplining my kids because they hit/bite/push their sibling(s) and it just doesn't seem right to respond to that with spanking. I envision that process playing out like this…. "Get over here you little f*$%er! *spanking* We do NOT hit in this house!". It just doesn't seem effective to me.
However, I do resort to the use of force when the baby pulls that "arched back to avoid the car seat" move. That sh*t sends me into orbit! You're TWO! I'm NOT two! I'm gonna kick your a#% in the arched back battle!!
3. Promptness
I'm proud to say that I'm habitually on time. I will pull out of the driveway with my kids still rolling around the back seat in order to get somewhere on time. It's a huge #petpeeve of mine when my "peers" are late. I know that kids take extra time. But, guess what, I'm pretty sure you knew you had kids when you woke up this morning. Maybe you should go ahead and allow extra time to get them "situated" so you can show up somewhere on time. #beinglateisplanned
Truthfully, I'm not a spanker. Most of them time I'm disciplining my kids because they hit/bite/push their sibling(s) and it just doesn't seem right to respond to that with spanking. I envision that process playing out like this…. "Get over here you little f*$%er! *spanking* We do NOT hit in this house!". It just doesn't seem effective to me.
However, I do resort to the use of force when the baby pulls that "arched back to avoid the car seat" move. That sh*t sends me into orbit! You're TWO! I'm NOT two! I'm gonna kick your a#% in the arched back battle!!
3. Promptness
I'm proud to say that I'm habitually on time. I will pull out of the driveway with my kids still rolling around the back seat in order to get somewhere on time. It's a huge #petpeeve of mine when my "peers" are late. I know that kids take extra time. But, guess what, I'm pretty sure you knew you had kids when you woke up this morning. Maybe you should go ahead and allow extra time to get them "situated" so you can show up somewhere on time. #beinglateisplanned
4. Sleeping with your subordinates.
Think about it. You know I'm right on this one. Btw, I'm NOT talking about your kids here. I'm talking about your spouse/partner/co-parent because we all know that stay at home moms are the real deal boss of every household. #Momboss
5. Dress Code
There are two employers that allows yoga gear every day of the year. A yoga studio and your house.
6. Drinking
The late afternoon playdate is the equivalent of a "think tank" at work. Where you share ides (i.e bitch about your husbands) and talk about activities for the week. You vent about the trials of potty training, mean girls in preschool (YES, it starts that early), and (sort of) punch out for an hour while your toddlers self police. The only difference here is the alcohol….but, you know I'm not going to hold THAT against anyone.
There are two employers that allows yoga gear every day of the year. A yoga studio and your house.
6. Drinking
The late afternoon playdate is the equivalent of a "think tank" at work. Where you share ides (i.e bitch about your husbands) and talk about activities for the week. You vent about the trials of potty training, mean girls in preschool (YES, it starts that early), and (sort of) punch out for an hour while your toddlers self police. The only difference here is the alcohol….but, you know I'm not going to hold THAT against anyone.
So, maybe there's a few "perks" to the SAHM mom gig that don't fly in the corporate world but no one views this thing as a cake walk. There are also all nighters with sick kids, daily discussions about bodily fluids, cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework, and activity shuttling that make this a 24/7 commitment. SAHM's rarely get to think about themselves because their brains are full with what they're doing for everyone else in the house. But that cheesy statement about it being the most rewarding unpaid job you'll ever do is so true. So somewhere in between the diaper changes, impromptu dance parties, kissed boo boo's, unexpected belly laughs, and predictable temper tantrums, remember how important your "job" is and that no one else in this world can do it as well as you. Oh, and celebrate yourself with some vino after bedtime.
xoxo Tipsy Mommy
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
7 Words That Make No Freeking Sense.
People are always trying to think of the next "big thing". This generation isn't content with status quo…they are always on the hunt for something better. At the risk of being called closed minded, I'm gonna say that we've taken "forward thinking" a little too far. I've compiled a list of words that prove this point. These words literally make no sense.
1. Meme
A meme (/ˈmiːm/ meem) is "an idea, behavior, or style that spreads from person to person within a culture".
First of all, I have no f'ing idea how this is pronounced. Second, if you try to go pre-Y2K and actually use your brain to figure out what the hell it means based on it's letters/structure/etc, there's no way you're gonna figure it out either. Me me? Wasn't she that old lady on Golden Girls?
2. Emoticon
People are SO LAZY! Here's an idea, if you're trying to explain your feelings, then explain your feelings! It would be one thing if there were a handful of emoticons…you know, happy, sad, mad, etc. But there are over 50,000 freeking emoticons! I accidentally hit the one beside the "laughing so hard he's crying" emoticon and I had no idea what the one I inadvertently sent actually meant.
3. Emoji
Emoji: Originally meaning pictograph, the word emoji comes from Japanese e (絵, "picture") + moji (文字, "character"). The apparent resemblance to English "emotion" and "emoticon" is just a coincidence.[7]
Jesus H. I really hate research within research.
A pictogram, also called a pictogramme, pictograph, or simply picto,[1] and also an 'icon'[citation needed], is an ideogram that conveys its meaning through its pictorial resemblance to a physical object
Not to be confused with an emoticon because these things are COMPLETELY different. Honestly, I'm too confused to even type right now.
4. Wikipedia
Calling the site "a place where complete idiots can post totally unsubstantiated shit and make it look legit" won't drum up much business and it's probably a little wordy. So, creating a completely new word was probably a better route. Here's my issue. It pretends to be a "research" site but they have a freeking disclaimer that pops up with some content.
Ok, Wiki, Shit or get off the pot. Either be a reference site or be the Onion. You don't get to play both sides.
5. Millennial
Truthfully I understand how they came up with this word, I just don't think the definition is correct. Apparently they can't swear on Google because we all know this means "entitled little fuckers".
6. Twerk
Twerking (/ˈtwɜrkɪŋ/) is a type of dancing in which an individual, usually a female,[1] dances to music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low squatting stance.[2]
1. Meme
A meme (/ˈmiːm/ meem) is "an idea, behavior, or style that spreads from person to person within a culture".
First of all, I have no f'ing idea how this is pronounced. Second, if you try to go pre-Y2K and actually use your brain to figure out what the hell it means based on it's letters/structure/etc, there's no way you're gonna figure it out either. Me me? Wasn't she that old lady on Golden Girls?
2. Emoticon
e·mo·ti·con
əˈmōdəˌkän/
noun
plural noun: emoticons
- a representation of a facial expression such as:-) (representing a smile), formed by various combinations of keyboard characters and used in electronic communications to convey the writer's feelings or intended tone.
3. Emoji
Emoji: Originally meaning pictograph, the word emoji comes from Japanese e (絵, "picture") + moji (文字, "character"). The apparent resemblance to English "emotion" and "emoticon" is just a coincidence.[7]
Jesus H. I really hate research within research.
A pictogram, also called a pictogramme, pictograph, or simply picto,[1] and also an 'icon'[citation needed], is an ideogram that conveys its meaning through its pictorial resemblance to a physical object
Not to be confused with an emoticon because these things are COMPLETELY different. Honestly, I'm too confused to even type right now.
4. Wikipedia
Calling the site "a place where complete idiots can post totally unsubstantiated shit and make it look legit" won't drum up much business and it's probably a little wordy. So, creating a completely new word was probably a better route. Here's my issue. It pretends to be a "research" site but they have a freeking disclaimer that pops up with some content.
 | This article needs additional citations for verification. (November 2006) |
Ok, Wiki, Shit or get off the pot. Either be a reference site or be the Onion. You don't get to play both sides.
5. Millennial
mil·len·nial
miˈlenēəl/
noun
plural noun: millennials; plural noun: Millennials
- a person reaching young adulthood around the year 2000; a Generation Yer."the industry brims with theories on what makes millennials tick"
6. Twerk
Twerking (/ˈtwɜrkɪŋ/) is a type of dancing in which an individual, usually a female,[1] dances to music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low squatting stance.[2]
Let's all agree that formally documenting a word created by Miley Cyrus is a bad idea, ok?
7. Fleek
7. Fleek
the quality of being perfect, or on point i.e. Zayn Malik
What the fleek?? An "on fleek meme"?!?! *mind blown*. I agree. Let's boycott on fleek. You know a good word for something perfect? "PERFECT!"
I envision a similar list from a teenager that could be called "Words my mom says that make no sense". It would include things like "land lines", "rotary dial phones", "dial up internet", "jorts" and "flip phones". I pretend that I'm going to defy these trends and stick to my old school language because I don't care if I'm "hip". But the reality is that I'll be trying to use these damn words in the correct context for the next year. Except for #6, I refuse to part of anything related to twerking. You're welcome.
XOXO Tipsy Mommy
I envision a similar list from a teenager that could be called "Words my mom says that make no sense". It would include things like "land lines", "rotary dial phones", "dial up internet", "jorts" and "flip phones". I pretend that I'm going to defy these trends and stick to my old school language because I don't care if I'm "hip". But the reality is that I'll be trying to use these damn words in the correct context for the next year. Except for #6, I refuse to part of anything related to twerking. You're welcome.
XOXO Tipsy Mommy
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